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Saturday, November 20, 2010

The worst part about old age is getting there.

Did you ever just stop and think, "Where did the time go?  When did this happen? I am old!"  I did that today.  I realized that I am no longer young!  I did not feel old this  morning when I got up, but suddenly came the dawning of the realization that there will be no going back, no second chance at a first anything.  This is it and it is down hill from here to the end.  From the cradle to the grave sort of thing.

It seems like only yesterday, I was a little barefooted kid running the streets in Nickerson, Kansas without a care in the world. I do not remember being cold, but I don't remember being warm.  I do not remember being hungry, but i don't remember being full, either.  I went to school and apparently I learned something.  I remember babysitting to buy my mother a stainless steel mixing bowl because I had broken her glass one.  I remember clod fights, kick the can, watching the calf die, and eating green peaches.  I remember Howard Fein poking his false teeth out at me and scaring me half to death.  I remember many things, but I don't remember getting older.

I remember having babies, catching fish, and getting divorced.  I remember burying my brother, sister, father, mother, friends, husband, and pets.  I remember tears and laughter, good times and bad times, having money and being broke, but for the life of me, I can not remember growing old.  It just seems like one day I was young and the next day I was not.  The body that used to jump the fence, run a mile, dance to the twist, and unload 50 pound bags of feed, just quit cooperating.  The mind that was so quick with a comeback has slowed to a crawl.  Now the body seeks creature comforts of warmth and a soft bed.  The mind likes to drift back to another day and time.  Back to when the kids were babies and all I needed to be happy was a roof over my head, food in my belly and hope for tomorrow. 

Now my life stretches before me like a long black, endless ribbon of a highway with no beginning and no end.  Do all people face this mortality?  What a waste!  We start out as helpless little babies needing someone to care for us and move through a maze called life to end up as helpless old people needing someone to care for us.  Oh, the irony of it all!

I wish I had it all to do over!  If I could have another chance I would seize each day and savor it from dawn to dark.  I would examine every minute of every day and write each night in my journal and plan every tomorrow so that every day would be important to me and to everyone I knew.  I would hold my mother tight.  I would sing to my brother.  I would rock my children.  I would have been a missionary to the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick.  I would not have shed selfish tears for myself, but would have wept for the world and would have made it a better place instead of just drifting through in my own willful way.

But, alas, I can change nothing.  I set here a lonely old woman with my delusions of grandeur, and wish it were different.  But all my wishing changes nothing.  I just hope that when I get up to the pearly gates I can remember the one quote that fits this situation:  "Of all the things, of mice and men, the greatest of all, What might have been."  Or something along that line.

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