I see people dashing about in the stores with thier carts loaded with gifts. Christmas music is blaring over the intercom and seems to spur them into a fever of shopping. I continue to the fabric section because I need 2 yards of blue gingham for an order. Nothing else. The lady at the measuring table folds the 2 yards and lays the ticket on top of it. As she pushes it towards me she smiles brightly and says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays " or some such nonsense. "Thanks", I mutter, ;not bothering to return the greeting. I am glad she is in the holiday spirit. I almost wished I could be. But I am not and there is very little chance I will get into it.
Don't get me wrong on the Christmas thing. I love Christmas. I love the baby Jesus and the wise men and all that. What I don't love is the commercialism that has taken it from a religious holiday to a shopping frenzy and Santa Claus trying to out do each other. I like to feed the hungry and clothe the naked and put a roof over everyone's head. But I am not going shopping. I am not buying presents. Just not buying into the whole thing.
Several years back I gave away all my Christmas decorations. All the outside lights went also. And along with the trinkets and baubles went any appearance of adhereing to the Christmas season frivolities. Now don't get me wrong. I celebrate Christmas, but I do it at church and it is for the birth of Jesus and all the symbolism asscoiated with that. I do not buy presents and I do not want presents bought for me. For most of my adult life I bought for a Christmas list that was 45 people long and I enjoyed doing it. Then one year I looked around and I did not know who had given me what, nor did I remember what I gave anyone else. Consquently it was the same year my husband died. I made the turkey and the ham just like years before, but it was not the same.
I may have just lived long enough and seen enough to become jaded, but it is what it is. I can not judge those who continue to fight the crowds nor do I want to. By the same token, I do not want you to judge me. I like to be alone, not that I am anti social, I just like solitude. Christmas seems to bring all my sad thoughts to the front and every year it gets harder and harder to cope with the holiday season. Do I remember a time when I really enjoyed Christmas? Not really. I suppose when the kids were little and I could surprise them with Santa Claus things, I was happy. But even then I remember how hard I had to work to do that. I guess life has just never came easy for me in that aspect.
So Christmas will come in 4 days. But before Christmas comes, I have an anniversary. Kenny and I would have celebrated 34 years together on December 23. So there you go. Another thing I can do alone.
Don't get me wrong on the Christmas thing. I love Christmas. I love the baby Jesus and the wise men and all that. What I don't love is the commercialism that has taken it from a religious holiday to a shopping frenzy and Santa Claus trying to out do each other. I like to feed the hungry and clothe the naked and put a roof over everyone's head. But I am not going shopping. I am not buying presents. Just not buying into the whole thing.
Several years back I gave away all my Christmas decorations. All the outside lights went also. And along with the trinkets and baubles went any appearance of adhereing to the Christmas season frivolities. Now don't get me wrong. I celebrate Christmas, but I do it at church and it is for the birth of Jesus and all the symbolism asscoiated with that. I do not buy presents and I do not want presents bought for me. For most of my adult life I bought for a Christmas list that was 45 people long and I enjoyed doing it. Then one year I looked around and I did not know who had given me what, nor did I remember what I gave anyone else. Consquently it was the same year my husband died. I made the turkey and the ham just like years before, but it was not the same.
I may have just lived long enough and seen enough to become jaded, but it is what it is. I can not judge those who continue to fight the crowds nor do I want to. By the same token, I do not want you to judge me. I like to be alone, not that I am anti social, I just like solitude. Christmas seems to bring all my sad thoughts to the front and every year it gets harder and harder to cope with the holiday season. Do I remember a time when I really enjoyed Christmas? Not really. I suppose when the kids were little and I could surprise them with Santa Claus things, I was happy. But even then I remember how hard I had to work to do that. I guess life has just never came easy for me in that aspect.
So Christmas will come in 4 days. But before Christmas comes, I have an anniversary. Kenny and I would have celebrated 34 years together on December 23. So there you go. Another thing I can do alone.
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