One year ago on this November 21 at 6:38 AM my cell phone pinged. I was awake and had been for a while. It was when I saw the message and that it was from Anthony that I was faintly surprised. "The keys to the house are in the mailbox." That disturbed me. So I dressed and headed for town.
My phone rang before I got to his house and it was friends of his from Pueblo West who had been talking to him the night before and were concerned. They were on their way to his house and just wanted me to know they were concerned. He had been home in isolation for over a week with Covid.
I arrived before they did so I got the house keys and opened the door and went inside. His car keys and phone were on the kitchen table. I had never been downstairs except once to check out his new furnace. Since he was not upstairs, I knew he must be downstairs and he was. His bedroom was at the far end of the basement and he was in bed covered up. I told him I was going to call for help and he said "OK."
The rest is history. Now I have always been a strong woman, but this has been a rollercoaster ride for me. PTSD is what they call it. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It happens to military in times of battle. It happens to anyone who has been through trauma of about any kind. It would not happen to me because I would not let it. As referenced above, I am a strong woman. Don't let that statement fool you!
Strength has nothing to do with it. I must equate it with the rides at the carnival. There are a couple that will have you going very fast forward and then suddenly you are going the other direction. How you keep your head on your shoulders is beyond me, but it happens. My life the past year has been just that. I am normal. I am driving down the street enjoying the beauty of an Autumn Day and singing my old country music with the CD player and before the next breath I am parked and sobbing on a side street.
This is my new normal.
We were friends. I thought we were good friends. I guess what I am dealing with now, a year later is the loss of that friend. There are steps that should be taken in dealing with death and I have done that, but there are gaps in my mind of that morning and they may never be resolved. PTSD.
It was never about love or the lack of it. It was never personal. It was not something he did to me or because of me. I was never a factor in the planning that led to the final act. I just was. But by the simple act of "being", I became a means to an end.
So, as I take stock of the situation as it now stands, I know what needs to be done. Get over it. Move on. Give it to God. The mind is a simple thing, or is it? Are there maybe things that we encounter on our way to the cross that our minds cannot fathom? We all have our own concept of reality. What seems right and normal to me may be ludicrous to you. What is the answer to how I can finally resolve this in my mind?
I don't know, but I do know this: I have friends who care. I have family who care. I have a good life. I still know how to live, love, and laugh. I just need to do it more. The answer is not inside these four walls. I have already said goodbye to Anthony. I now need to open myself up to a future. I need to accept love that is all around me and fly high and free!
Peace and Love!
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