Happy Birthday to me, yesterday. Just about everybody else my age is dead. Gives me a lot to look forward to, doesn't it? Those of you who follow my blog have probably figured out that I have a small problem with depression. Not many people in my everyday world have figured that out. This week marks my birthday, my only surviving brother in law's birthday, my son's birthday and ends on the 5th with my brother's birthday. My brother has been gone 54 years. I still remember it like it was yesterday. It never gets better.
I remember the day I married my first husband (October 30) and my last husband (December 23). I remember the date the last husband passed but not the first one. I have a mental block about a lot of things and that is probably the only thing that actually saves my sanity. I just know I hate the whole month of October. Unlike a lot of people, I tend to grieve inwardly so nobody knows. I may be talking to you about the most mundane thing in the world and I am smiling, but I am seeing Jake standing in front of me with his lopsided grin and the scar on his right cheek. I am hearing Hank Williams wailing in the background. WSM from Nashville every Saturday night. It never goes away.
I realize blogs like this make my kids sad, because I am sad, but what they need to remember is this is my past. I was not always their mother. I have to deal with this on a daily basis. I do not want sympathy, I just want understanding. I will be alright. Where there is life there is hope. I do not need to go out and eat. I do not need flowers, I just need my time. This will pass. It always does.
This month, I am undertaking a new kind of volunteer work. It is not like Hospice where every client ends up dying. It is one that involves dealing with people who are actually trying to get off the streets and into a home of their own. I am not sure where this path will lead me, but I am going to go slow and find out. Usually I jump in with both feet and tilt at windmills, but not this time. Someone will lead and I will follow.
So, as I deal with my demons this month, be patient with me. I have a theory that God is not through shaping me yet and I am sure of one thing: God knows what he is doing and he is going to bring me out on the other side a lot better person than I was before.
He has a way of doing that, you know!
I remember the day I married my first husband (October 30) and my last husband (December 23). I remember the date the last husband passed but not the first one. I have a mental block about a lot of things and that is probably the only thing that actually saves my sanity. I just know I hate the whole month of October. Unlike a lot of people, I tend to grieve inwardly so nobody knows. I may be talking to you about the most mundane thing in the world and I am smiling, but I am seeing Jake standing in front of me with his lopsided grin and the scar on his right cheek. I am hearing Hank Williams wailing in the background. WSM from Nashville every Saturday night. It never goes away.
I realize blogs like this make my kids sad, because I am sad, but what they need to remember is this is my past. I was not always their mother. I have to deal with this on a daily basis. I do not want sympathy, I just want understanding. I will be alright. Where there is life there is hope. I do not need to go out and eat. I do not need flowers, I just need my time. This will pass. It always does.
This month, I am undertaking a new kind of volunteer work. It is not like Hospice where every client ends up dying. It is one that involves dealing with people who are actually trying to get off the streets and into a home of their own. I am not sure where this path will lead me, but I am going to go slow and find out. Usually I jump in with both feet and tilt at windmills, but not this time. Someone will lead and I will follow.
So, as I deal with my demons this month, be patient with me. I have a theory that God is not through shaping me yet and I am sure of one thing: God knows what he is doing and he is going to bring me out on the other side a lot better person than I was before.
He has a way of doing that, you know!
