There is a heel in every loaf.

Well, actually there are 2 heels in every loaf, but I am not sure how to spell heel.  I think this is right.  I like home baked bread. Like may not be a strong enough word for my love affair with baking.  I know I can get into the car and drive into town and find several bakeries most willing to take my money and give me a loaf of their bread, but some how that just seems so wrong. It will have all kinds of stuff in it to make it better than mine, but I gotta tell you, it always falls short of the mark.  Sure it is crusty and tasty and already baked, sometimes with an egg wash to make the crust even crustier.  Sad, because I like mine better. 

Mine is made with water, yeast, salt, sugar, oil, and flour.  That is it.  Nothing fancy and I don't have to scald, puree, or infuse anything.  I throw it all in a mixing bowl with a dough hook and 4 minutes later, the dough has climbed the hook and it is ready to be covered and let raise.  I usually make a couple double batches and set them to raise on the stove top.  When the pans are almost ready, I turn the oven to 355.  The bread bakes about 20 minutes or so.  Nothing is set in stone at my house except my naptime at 3:00 while Jeopardy is showing.

Now this little fellow decided he might like to try a piece of the heel on the first loaf out of the oven.  It was his own idea, not mine.  Something about the aroma of fresh baked bread is just more than a human can resist.  He just wasn't sure at first that eating a piece of bread was what he really wanted to do.  I did not push it because I like the heel best myself and there are only so many in a loaf.  So he took it.

And the rest is history.  He used to look for cheese puffs, or orange juice, but the aroma of fresh bread is his new mantra.  Bless his little tiny heart.

This little fellow is not real fond of meat and sweets are not his thing either.  Mostly he dines on fruit and cheese.  Kinda fun to have around.  Looks like I will be making bread for him for several more years before he figures out about junk food, but maybe not.

He does keep me on my toes and he is now trying to teach me to jump.  For the record, I am not learning that one very well.  I think it is this damned old age thing.  Not only am I not good at jumping, I don't even want to try.  It all seems pointless at this juncture.  So we shall engage in our little war of the wills until I either jump or he gives up.  

How ya' betting?

The heart of hearth and home and the back yard.

The center of the home was usually a fireplace.  This was replaced later by wood burning stoves, but let's just stick with the fireplace for now.  The focal point of the fireplace was a trivet.  Our forefathers were famous for using 3 points to hold and lift.  My husband always said "Give me a pivot high enough and a lever long enough and I can lift the world."  And I am sure many of our modern day inventions went back to that statement.

The trivet was a 3 point apparatus made of iron and usually was decorative, unless the man of the house was lazy.  It set on the hearth, which is the floor of the fireplace.  It usually had a hook that could pivot.  The "tea kettle" was filled with water and hung near the fire.  When hot water was needed the pot was swung over the fire and very quickly came to a boil.  The water was then ready for bathing, face washing, dish washing, cleaning the floor or any of the myriad of chores pioneer women did every day.

Out side in the back yard, but not that far from the house, set the 3 legged cast iron kettle, pot, cauldron, or whatever they were calling that on any given day.  This is where the real work went on.  The other was for women's work, but do not be confused here and think women had chores and men had chores.  Men had their chores, but when there was no one to help them, they became an extension of the women's chores.  I do not know how they arrived at a 3 legged kettle as opposed to 4 legged, which it seems would be more sturdy, but there never was to my knowledge a 4 legged kettle.  3 legged is what it was.  The job of the 3 legged kettle was endless.  It could be used on Monday to scald a hog that was being butchered.  Tuesday it would have a slow fire to render the fat of the hog into lard.  Oh, and the pork rinds from that lard would be snacked on and used as flavoring all winter.  Wednesday might find mother killing and cleaning chickens, ducks, turkeys or geese.  Thursday she might decide to do the laundry so water was heated for that.  Friday was usually cleaning day and we needed hot water for that.  Those are the things that were every day use of the 3 legged cast iron but usually some one would come by and want to do something and sometimes all kinds of vegetables and stuff were thrown in and we had a feast.

And when the work of the kettle was done, mother was not.  She sifted the ashes from the cleanest part of the wood that was burnt and stored them for her lye.  Soap making was an art form back in those days.  We had a metal bucket that set by the back door and any grease or oil went into it.  When it was full, mother would heat it slowly and strain it into the "soap making bucket."  When the time was right she would melt that nasty stuff.  She then slowly dripped water through the clean, light gray ashes which made lye.  This was quickly stirred into the melted, cleaned fat  using a hammer handle.  If all went well, the grease would begin to solidify and mother would pour it quickly into the soap box.  If anything was off it would "set up" on the way to the box and the hammer handle would be embeded until we shaved off enough soap to free it.  Worse yet was when mother was a little off and it did not set up.  It just set there until she threw it out.

Ever smell lye soap?  Back in the day it had a pungent odor and an off yellow color that mellowed with the ripening.  After I married for what appears to be my last time, I had time on my hands, so I tried quilting, weaving and lots of other things.  Finally I decided that I wanted to try soap making  I was pretty sure I was not going to do the ashes part so I went off in search of lye.  It was very easy to find.  It was in Safeway, right down on the bottom shelf under the drano and that sort of stuff.

(I must deviate for just a paragraph here to tell you that buying lye in any store did not last long, because the yoyo's that were cooking meth and stuff like that began using it for their process.  Safeway had already began to lock up all the cold and allergy stuff used in the process, so of course lye went by the wayside.  I can still get it through a wholesale house, but I had to put up my first born child and 3 acres of ground for every pound I wanted.)

To make a long story short, I lined a box with a tea towel, just like momma used to do.  I followed the directions to the letter and soon poured the conglomeration out into the box.  When it was the right consistency, I cut it into squares with an old iron butcher knife.  It said to wait and let it cure for 6 weeks.  So I did.  At that time I removed one of the square bars.  I thought it looked a little rough, but what the hell.  I started the shower and stepped in with my little bar.  I would give it the supreme test for sensitivity on my face.  Lord, my eye immediately began to burn like it was on fire.  I was crushed!  Not only was my labor in vain, but now I was going to be blind on top of it all.  Luckily my husband was home that day and when I went crying to him he just laughed.  Damn him!  "Yeah, soap will do that."  But he was right!  Now I make soap that looks like this:

This is soap like momma used to make only instead of used up cooking grease, I use olive oil, lard, tallow, and stuff like that.  It is smooth and creamy  with tiny bubbles.  I have found since I started making my own soap that my skin is not dry and that is because what you buy at the store is not soap, but beauty bar, bath bar and words like that.  Soap does not appear on the lable.  I used to sell this, but  now I just make it and usually give it away.  

Well, once more I got off target, but you will get used to that.  But just look around you at things in your life that have a 3 point apparatus and you will know what I mean.  If you are old, like me, you can visualize the bales of hay being lifted into the hay mow.  Or if you ever blew the motor in your old Chevy you probably used a 3 pint lift to pull the old motor out and swing the new one in to place.

So, for now, from one old lady to those of you who still remember the old days, have a good one and remember, 

You can not sprinkle showers of happiness on others without getting a few drops on yourself! 

OMG! The great Ski King is here!

I recently came across a site on facebook called Kansas Old and Interesting Places.  Being from Kansas I find the history fascinating.  So I joined the group.  While perusing last night on the site, I came across a picture of a big white house located in Toronto.  I started thinking about when Duane and I were first married, before we had any kids and I remembered that we had lived in Toronto for a few weeks.  History lesson coming up here.

I was 19 and Duane was 21 when we married.  He and 2 of his brothers were in the business of trimming trees.  Now in this day and age they would be respectable and probably have an office some where, but back in those days, the car and the pickup were the office, warehouse, job site, and bookkeeping.  The first year we were married we lived in 14 different cities around the state.  We would locate to a town, sell our service, and when all the trees were trimmed we would move on to greener pastures.  It was honest work and Duane was a very good tree trimmer.  It kind of sucked not to have any real roots, but we were in love.  What more can I say?

Back to Toronto.  We pulled into Toronto and immediately went fishing.  First we rented a room at the local hotel.  It had a big room with a couch and bed and a stove to cook on in the other room.  Arrangements were made with the owners that I would clean the halls and the bathroom in lieu of the $5 a week rent.  I would go to the local grocery and purchase food for the day, cook it and have supper ready when Duane and the brothers came home.  Now, suffice it to say, that one of the prerequisites of being a tree trimmer was you must be a good beer drinker.  The day always ended up in the bar.  I did not drink at the time, nor do I now, but he and his brothers drank enough for me.

I remember this song, (click on the blue letters to open the link. Ski King ) Seems this happened either at Toronto Lake or the Fall River Reservoir.

Toronto Lake was some good fishing, for sure.  On one day I was instructed to cook up a pot of beans and the boys would bring home some corn.  Sounded good to me, so I cooked the beans and later that evening they came in with a peck or so of corn.  Well, unbeknownst to this ignorant little girl from the big city, it was field corn.  So I shucked a few ears and threw them in the bean pot.  After due time Duane pronounced it ready.  Hmmm.  That stuff was very hard.  So we cooked it longer.  It got harder.  We cut it off the cob and boiled it some more.  Now let this be a lesson to all of you, field corn is a whole different ball game then the sweet corn I was used to.  For our supper we ate beans and corn, but the corn was picked out and tossed in the trash.

To end this tale of woe, Yates Center was nearby and I had not been feeling well.  Duane took me to the doctor, dropped me off and went to the pool hall.  The doctor examined me and pronounced that I was pregnant.  OMG!  Where is the hospital where I will have the baby?  He looked at me like I may have just fell off the turnip truck and said "Around these parts folks has their babies to home."

And that ended our life in Toronto.  I am a city girl at heart and there was no way in hell I was going to have my baby "to home."  Hutchinson would become my home for the duration of my pregnancy.  I had a mother there and she had running water and all that stuff!

But I do have my memories of Ski King and I have yet to figure out how all this connects.  If you do, please share with me!

The house where the fancy people live, whoops!

Many years ago, my oldest daughter moved to Longton, Kansas.  Her and her husband bought a 40 acre plot with a mobile home and a lake for less then I bought a car.  Longton is about as far east and south as you can go in Kansas without leaving the state.  Seems as though the population is about 102 on a good day when everyone is home.  To make a long story short, my daughter, Patty went to visit.  

There really is not much to do in a town that size except go to the auctions that pop up from time to time.  So they did.  That particular auction was for a double wide modular that set on 5 lots on the edge of Longton.  Back home places like that were selling for $50,000.  When the auctioneer asked for a bid, none were forthcoming.  So, Patty and Debbie put their little heads together, compared bank accounts and walked away owning the whole kit and kaboodle for $12,000.  

Now this place also sported a 3 or 4 car garage.  Hell, even I was tempted to throw things in a suitcase and head East!

When I finally got around to visiting Patty was using her place as a vacation home.  It was definitely a nice place to visit and the town of Longton was very quaint.  It had a restaurant and prices were very reasonable.  A lot of history on these walls.

This one gave me hope.

A stroll around town (which took about 20 minutes to cover the length and breadth of the city including the liquor store and the falling down building with a tree growing out of the roof) produced this picture of a very beautiful home just a couple blocks from Patty's house.  When I asked her who lived there, she told me, "That is where the fancy people live!  They are hardly ever home and do not come out when they are."  Sadly the house burned a couple years back.

This a house down on the other end of town. Since both houses appear to be of the same design and maybe by the same architect and builder, I asked her if that was where more "fancy people" lived and she told me "No, that is the one the druggies have moved into."  How sad because this one actually had a gazebo.

This is another house on one of the roads going into Longton.  Looks pretty deserted to me!

This is the barn setting on the end of Main Street just catty corner from the liquor store.  Not sure they still use it as a barn for horses or cattle, but who knows.  I could be wrong.  This might be a Debbie's house.

So, any way.  Elk County Reservoir is nearby and the fishing is great!

I must be about due for another vacation!  Who knows?

A chamber pot, by any other name is still gross.

Now this morning you are going to learn something you probably could have gone the rest of your life without knowing, and yet here I am.  Since I lived through the chamber pot days, you ought to at least be able to read about them!  So here we go!

Once upon a time, long, long ago,  there was a little girl who lived in a ramshackle house on Strong Street in Nickerson, Kansas.  She lived there with her mother, father, older sister, older brother and 3 younger sisters.  The house had electricity, but they never used it except to run the pump and the washing machine.  They did not want to "wear it out" nor did they want to appear "uppity."  They owned a car, but it was only used on Sundays when the went to Plevna to see great grandma Hatfield and Grandma Haas.  They were simple folks, you see.

The house had 2 bedrooms, a front room, a dining room and a kitchen/laundry/Saturday night bath room and a book case with Nancy Drew mystery's on the shelves.  Oh, and Brenda Starr.  So I guess that was also a library.  The "front" bedroom was Dad's, but he had to share with us big kids, Josephine, Jake, Donna, Mary and me. Dorothy slept with Mother in the middle (other) bedroom.  Mother needed her privacy and the only time we were allowed to sleep with her was when we were sick.

Ah, but back to the chamber pot business.  For those of you who are antique collectors you will recognize a "chamber pot" as a porcelain bucket with a handle for carrying.  Usually it was white with a lid and a line of blue around the top for decoration.  I never quite understood that whole decoration thing, but I guess it is what it is.  The main purpose (Well actually, the ONLY purpose.) of the chamber pot was to hold human excrement during the night and was immediately emptied upon the household arising.  It was called a chamber pot, because most people had a private area when one could go in and close the door and do "their business in private.  Not us!  Nope.  We did not have a chamber anywhere in that house and if we did there would no doubt be a kid in there.  It was probably about 120 feet from the back door of the house to the outhouse.  Now I do not know if you have ever been out in the wilds of Nickerson, Kansas, at night without a flashlight, but let me tell you, that is one damn scary place.

Number one, our house was probably about a block from the cemetery, and there was that business of ghosts for our little minds to deal with on dark, moonless nights.  Nights with a full moon were even worse!  And the river was not far so it was not unusually to hear a wolf, coyote or cougar howling or screaming and scaring the living shit right out of us.  That, coupled with the fact that dad had seen Gypsies camped on the outskirts of town and you know what that meant.  You see Gypsies came into towns and stole the children.  Luckily we never actually missed anyone, but that was because people like my father seen them and made the kids stay inside.

But back to the chamber pot saga!  Ours set right under the window between the kids bed and dad's bed.  After dark we were free to use the chamber pot and by morning it was full.  Now I trust I do not need to tell you what it was full of, do I?  It was usually Jake's chore to take it out to the outhouse and dispose of it, rinse the container and turn it upside down to drip dry and air out.  When Josephine eloped at the tender age of 15 or so and Jake left home, the duty fell to me.  I was smart enough to know that the sooner I got that thing the lighter my chore would be.  If I waited too long those other kids would not go outside and soon it was full to the brim.  Just try carrying one of those things without slopping it on your feet.

We left that house when I was 16 and I never ceased to be amazed that we had an "inside bathroom" in every house we lived in after that.  Not only did the houses have a commode that flushed, but there was a small sink to wash my face and look in the mirror.  And the bathtub!  My God!  That was pure bliss to sink into and soak. (It was also handy for throwing up in when I came home so drunk I could not hit the stool!  But that is another story and we probably are not going to go there!  Sorry, momma.)

Speaking of bathrooms, I probably ought to get off here and go clean mine.  Thinking back on those years always makes me appreciate what I have now.

Have a good day and thank the Lord for the little things he gives you.  You could be growing up on Strong Street in Nickerson, Kansas.

It is breeding season here on the farm, dammit!

It is inevitable.  When Spring comes and I go into the goose house and see the pile of straw in the corner, I know what will follow.  There is an egg in there.  I bring it in the house.  Next day, the same thing happens.  I have 2 hens.  Only 2, but they both lay.  I can tell by the size of the egg who did it.  Now, if them laying an egg and me stealing it was the end of it, that would be fine.  But it is not.  They have beady little eyes and they have tiny little brains, but they do not miss a damn thing.  They see me go in and even though I hide the egg I get that day, they make the connection.

If I leave the eggs, the old African Gray hen will set, because that dainty little white Emiden is sure as hell not going to spend her time in that hot goose house setting on a bunch of eggs.  If that was all that occurred it might be different, but unfortunately it is not.  Across the fence is a pile of old discarded tires and in those tires lives Mr. and Mrs. Snake and 85 of the baby snakes that never left home and have no intentions of ever doing so.  The goal of these 87 snakes is to devour the eggs under the little gray goose.  Her goal is to not let that happen.  I do not know just what my part in all of this is, but I know it is very hard on my heart!

Last night the little gray hen and her big white Emiden lover were the last to go in.  He was standing between me and his beloved to protect her.  When a goose goes into defense mode, they lower their head and shake their tail feathers.  I have never actually been attacked by one of my geese and I am pretty sure they are more afraid of me then I am afraid of them.  I have actually held and petted the little gray hen, so that big white Emiden does not scare me one bit.  Well, not much anyway.

When I open the door and see the snake on the nest and the little gray goose cowering in the corner, I immediately go into "Kill that bastard" mode.  In my heart, all I really want to do is get the hell out of there and pretend I do not know what is going on.  But primal feelings deep inside me make it imperative that I "protect the nest".  And since I am living in my lala land world most of the time, I do not carry a weapon.  So I throw a rock at it.  Snakes apparently have straight vision that goes out each side of their head, and the rock goes unseen.  Screaming does not help because I am pretty sure snakes are deaf.  So I grab what ever is handy.  In most cases it is something like a garden rake.  Ever try to get a 6 foot bull snake to curl up on a garden rake?  It is not happening.

This is an old picture that shows how the flock protects the babies.

This picture is Bret having killed one of the smaller snakes and disposing of the remains.  Now back in Kansas when I was growing up, if a farmer shot a coyote, he hung it on the fence.  I always heard that was so the coyotes would not come around lest they end up on the fence.  This particular year there were 3 big bull snakes (at least I hope like hell they were bullsnakes) in my back yard not 15 feet from my back door.  I have given up gardening because they hide under the squash leaves and scare the living bejeezus out of me.

So while you are comfy in your little town house or wherever you call home, think about this old lady out here fighting off horny geese, rabid skunks, 5 inch grasshoppers. egg eating snakes.  And there is no hope just because winter comes.  That drives the spiders and centipedes inside.  Every summer, I plan on moving into town, but then I have a second thought that beats hell out of that first thought.  So here I set, again.  My words for today are just this:

Brighten the corner where you are!

My little helper.

It is Lenten Lunch time at our church.  These occur every Wednesday at our church, First Congregational UCC.  They start at noon and they are free so come and join us at 228 West Evans.  We are an open and affirming church and all are welcome: 6- 60, blind, crippled or crazy!  Happy to meet you!

Nancy Donnelly used to until she passed away and left the chore to me.  She called it her "labour of love."  I sure miss her, but since I am the one with the big kitchen and the equipment, baking bread has fallen to me.  Last Tuesday I had whipped out my 4 batches.

I do have a little helper!

Let me see which side is my good side.

this one?

Or this one?

Some of you may not think that having a 3 year old kid helping in the kitchen is a messy thing, but just look at the benefits to that.  

1.  He is not parked in front of the television or some game system.

2.  His fingernails will get cleaned and he doesn't even know it.

3.  Soon the floor will be wet enough to mop.

4.  And the most important part of all is he is helping grandma.  This little boy loves to come to grandma's house!  And he loves to help.  And it only takes grandma 2 days or so to put things back to the chaos that was her life before this little helper arrived.  

In all fairness, most of my grandkids liked me when they were little.  Of course they grew out of it, but they still tolerate me most of the time.  It is just that the little bitty ones are so easy to amuse.  So I will enjoy this one until he reaches the age where life takes him in a different direction and then we will see what happens.  

Who knows, I may get a puppy.

Lou Mercer Words of Wisdom: Holy shit! An attack mouse at grandma's house!

Lou Mercer Words of Wisdom: Holy shit! An attack mouse at grandma's house!: The grandma's both worried about me and mostly it was needless.  Life was pretty mundane there in Plevna.  Get up and eat breakfast.  N...

Holy shit! An attack mouse at grandma's house!

The grandma's both worried about me and mostly it was needless.  Life was pretty mundane there in Plevna.  Get up and eat breakfast.  Now you need to know it was pretty well ready the night before.  The egg poacher held 3 eggs.  The water was put in the poacher and the poacher was placed over the pilot light.  The eggs were in a bowl on the table.  The coffee pot was a drip o later and it was filled with water and the coffee grounds put in the basket.  Our plates were on the table with 1/2 of an orange on each one. The jelly was in the middle of the table.  The table was covered with a cloth.  While we slept the waters were staying warm over the pilot lights.  The next morning the poacher and the coffee pot were both pulled forward and the burners turned on.  The eggs were broken and placed in the 3 places for them to poach.

Now I can not remember just how that damn coffee pot worked, but it seems like the water somehow was vaccumed up into the upper chamber and then the burner was turned off and it slowly dripped through the grounds.  Bear in mind that all happened 60 years ago, so I am not real sure that my memory is completely accurate on this little detail.  I do know the toaster was set on the burner and the burner was real low and toasted the bread just right as long as you did not try to dash out to the outhouse while it was toasting.  The whole breakfast was on the table in short order.  We always prayed over our food.  Always!  Both grandmothers told me in no uncertain words that if I did not pray I would most likely choke to death!  I was not going to test that theory since I had what I hoped was a brilliant future ahead of me.  And here I am!

After breakfast was finished I was allowed to put all the dirty dishes in a pan under the sink to wash later.  They did not want me to be late for school because the principal would administer punishment in the form or a whipping with a rubber hose.  I never tested that theory either.  You may not believe this, but I was pretty much a model child and it was all because I did not want to be beat.  I was secure in the knowledge that when I dashed home for lunch great grandmother would have a sandwich ready for me.  That plate also went under the sink.  Now for the evening meal, I do not recall at all what we had.  I am sure we ate something, but I do not know what it was.  So after supper, I pulled the pan out and started washing the dishes.  Then I dried them and put them away and after I laid out the breakfast for the next morning I was free to do whatever I wanted to do.  Bear in mind there was no such thing as television.  The radio was for the market futures and I was not allowed to read anything but the Bible.  I could crochet, but I was still learning the basic chain stitch.

Now one chore I had which I did on Saturday morning was trash.  We did not generate much trash back in those days.  There was a trash thingy over by the door going into the front room.  That was emptied by grandmother into a wooden crate like barrel right outside the kitchen door on the enclosed back porch.  This particular Saturday, I picked it up and headed for the burning barrel which was located a safe distance from the outhouse.  I spotted the outhouse and decided I needed to use that facility at that moment.  So I set the barrel down, availed myself of the comforts and then started to pick up the container and finish my job.  I recoiled in terror because there was a mouse that had crawled up through the trash and was perched on top!  In my world a spider is the scariest creature on earth, but a mouse is a very close second.

What to do?!  My mind was in a quandary.  If I picked up the barrel the mouse might jump on me.  If I screamed, grandma would no doubt jump on me.  She was very old and I surely did not want to get her too excited.  I knew if I could just get the barrel to the burning barrel and tip it over the mouse would fall into the barrel and I would light the trash and my problems would be solved.  So I got a stick and threatened the mouse.  He was defiant! I whacked the side of the barrel and he fell into the trash out of sight.  I grabbed the barrel and made it a few feet closer to the burning barrel, but the mouse reared his head out of the trash.  I immediately dropped the barrel and it fell over.  Horror of all horrors, the damn mouse was now free to eat me or whatever he had planned.  I screamed in terror and grandma appeared on the porch.  That woman surveyed the scene, saw the mouse, stepped forward and whacked it with her cane.  My savior.  She turned and went back into the house leaving me to gather everything up and put it in the burning barrel.  The incident was never mentioned again.  That is how the pioneer women did it.  I like to think I am just a fraction of the woman my great grandmother Helen Gagnbein Miller Hatfield was.

I am still afraid of mice and I have a cat that brings them in and turns them loose.  I hate that damn cat, but she is the only friend I have now days.  I would like to say that since the dogs are no longer here that she has taken mercy on me and has not brought a mouse in for quite some time, but as sure as I say that she will know and go get me one.

I lay in bed at night and think about my grandma's.  If I could go back in time I would do things differently.  I would listen.  I would listen and I would remember.  And I would teach my kids about the stock we come from.  The chickens, the molasses great great grandpa made and the way my great great grandmother Gagnebein nursed the sick, delivered the babies and then came home and whipped out a lemon chiffon cake without even reading a recipe.

I would if I only could.

Better late than never?

Well, John Tenorio pretty well opened the flood gate to let all my friends escape this life when he passed late last year.  Then went Annie, Chaz, Nancy, Shirley and lastly Jim.  Needless to say I had plans with all of these people, or meant to at least.  Annie was expected; Chaz was not.  Nancy was expected; Shirley was not.  Jim was inevitable.  I set here now waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Mother always said it was sad to watch the nursing homes especially.  When fall comes the leaves drop and the little old people go to their reward.  Then comes Spring and with new growth the little old and sick people get new life, but it is not in this world.  Mother was wise.  When I would forget to do something in a timely manner, or blow it off completely, she had these words for me.  "Better late then never."  But was it?

When the pale horse with his rider goes by, it is too late.  The final curtain has fallen, the bell has rung, and "woulda", "coulda", "shoulda" are no more.  It is over and time is no more.  There is no way I can tell grandma what an impact she had on my life.  Oh, not while I was living it, but lo these many years later I can see so clearly.  Grandma Haas was an invalid due to a stoke and Great Grandma Hatfield took care of her.  I helped as much as I could, which was not very damn much, but I do not think that was what I was there for.  I think I was there in case one of them died I could call somebody.  I can remember helping her get ready for bed and pulling her dress up over her head.  I had to be very careful because she and Grandma Hatfield both had pierced earring and it was a nightly chore to untangle the dress from the earrings on both women.  Lord only knows what they did before I came.

Grandma Hatfield was prone to shingles and it was my nightly job to check her to see if any shingles were appearing and if they were I must make sure to check very carefully and apply medicine, because if the shingles went clear around her waist and met, she would immediately die.  I lived in mortal terror that they would become active while she was asleep and she would be dead when I went in the next morning.  Apparently someone was alert because she lived to be 104.  Grandma Hatfield was tall, or so it seemed.  She was regal in her bearing.  She rarely spoke but I just figured since she was 99 years old when I lived with them, that she had probably just talked herself out.  I am not sure she really knew I was there!

Grandma Haas was a very sweet little old grandma and looked like grandma's were supposed to look.  She had beautiful blue eyes and her hair was golden rather then gray.  I still have that golden braid tucked away somewhere.  Since I was 15 years old she thought she should have "the talk" with me.  This is it in it's entirety, I swear to God.

"Have you started your menstral cycle yet."  (I had a vague idea of what that might be.)
"No".
"Ok, when you do, tell momma and she will let you stay home from school that day."

Well, there was a little something to look forward too since school was the only place I could go and escape the tedium of my life.  The only book I was allowed to read was the Bible and the only entertainment was learning to crochet.  I had to keep my shoes on at all times.  Aunt Lena sometimes let me play in the horse tank.  Television was just coming out and the Smith family had one, but I was not allowed to go over there and look at it because I would surely rot in hell!

I miss the grandma's.  I wish I could go back in time and this time I would listen.  I would listen about the aunts and uncles and the trip over from Germany.  I would learn about the herbs and tinctures that Great great grandma Gagnebien  used and how to be a midwife and how to make molasses.  But I didn't.  But you know what?  I think that sometimes those old ancestors pop into my head and tell me things because sometimes I know things that are true and there is no way I could know them.  I think my ancestors live inside me.  Course I may be nuts.

There is that!

'Tis an ill wind that blows nobody good.

The wind was blowing all day and this is what happens when that happens.  This is just up the road from my house.  Sadly this is not the first time that this has happened at this same house.  Just the first time in landed on the house.

This is the same place up on South Road.  This was several years back.  That time I had been working with a family on Gale Road and when I came home down 25th to South Road I had to back track  and come up County Farm.  When I came in and turned on my computer, this picture was in an email from my son in Dallas, Texas.  Little a--hole never did tell me how he got that picture.  Kind of creeps me out to think he has spies up here in Colorado.  I must say that this man has some pretty bad luck.  I also must say, I am glad it was not my house.

That having been said I think I am going to call the tree company and have the Apricot tree behind the house taken down.  that tree is actually only about 15 feet from my head when I am in bed sleeping.  Sure there is a wall between it and me, but as you see, walls do not stop falling trees.  It isn't like the damn tree gives me any Apricots any way.  To take it a step further, I do not even like Apricots in case it did decide to give me some fruit.  Once it had lots of fruit and I fed it all to the geese.  So now I suppose you want to know why I planted the damn thing!  Ok, here is that tale.

Many years ago Kenneth was working on a job in Paonia, Colorado.  We had a park model camper that he pulled around to different jobs.  Park model is just a way of saying a small camper that is the equivalent of a tiny trailer house.  It had a small front room, kitchen, full size bath and a bedroom in the back.  When he parked in a trailer park, he hooked into the water and sewer which was better then having to store water and empty sewage.  His little home away from home.  I would travel over to the job a couple days a week and that way he and I kept in touch, so to speak.

Paonia was just a small town that attracted a lot of hippie sorts.  The job he was on was a BLM job so he was privy to all the amenities of the land.  Peaches and other fruit was plentiful on the site and Kenneth was always going to pick me some when he got time.  Sadly, he never got time, but Joe Fisher to the rescue.  He was another trucker.  One evening he was setting in the roadside park and just enjoying the evening when he noticed a tree loaded with Apricots!  He scrounged around under the seat and came up with an empty bread wrapper.  He then proceeded to fill it with plump, juicy Apricots which he presented to me with the stipulation that I would give him a jar of Apricot jam.  Sounded like a deal to me.

As soon as I got home I worked up the Apricots and made my jam.  The seeds I threw on top of the septic tank where I was sure they would rot and make compost.  Joe was pleased with the jam and began to tell me of other fruits on the BLM including Sarvis Berry trees.  Sadly they were dried up by then.  And can you imagine my surprise when I noticed little tiny trees coming up in the compost pile!  I moved them to a protected area and "heeled" them in to winter over.  The next Spring I had 40 Apricot trees.  Some of them I planted at my mother-in-laws house.  Several I planted in the front yard and several out back.  One I planted behind the house and there it stands today!  The Bores have about killed it, but still it tries.  Usually it blooms and then a freeze comes and the flowers fall off, or it may actually go ahead and set fruit, but then comes the "June drop" and there goes my crop.

I keep thinking I would like to have fruit just one more time so I can have some more Apricot trees so I can sell the house and leave them, I guess.  But that is the tale of the Apricot tree.  I know I should have it taken down, but that is just something I can not bring myself to do.  When the Apricot tree goes I am afraid my heart may follow.

Just the musing of a silly old woman.

Why do I listen to Classic Country Music?

Because when one of the old guys starts singing I can understand the lyrics and the lyrics are the song as far as I am concerned. Like this one by Conway Twitty. He tells it like it is. https://youtu.be/XOLsaTRrWCs. No banging on a an electric guitar. No screaming out words that are not in the English language. Just down to earth words about pain, love, cheating, prison, trucks, momma and old dogs and children and watermelon wine. Like the one I linked up above. That one is "She needs someone to hold her when she cries," And I wish I had a dollar for every time that song ran through my head. Oh, not now, but back in the days of worthless men and binge drinking.

I know it is hard to picture me as ever having been young and even harder to picture me in a mini skirt out on a dance floor with men actually waiting to be the next one to spin me around the floor.  Sadly, I had a small problem with alcohol back in those days and my evening usually ended up with me on the floor praying to that porcelain god known as the toilet bowl.  It was at that point of the evening that the boys ideas of romance were out the window. Whoever had brought me understood that they were to take me home.  Whether it was a female friend or my date of the evening, it was their job to deliver me back to where they found me.  That followed another rule my mother had taught me, "You leave with the one who brung you!"  Yep.  Mothers words are embed in my brain clear down to my feet!  She was the wisest woman I knew then and she still reaches down on occasion and pulls me up short of some mess I am about ready to get myself into.

What Mother has to do with country music and beer drinking songs, I do not know.  I just know she has been gone for many years and she still pops in from time to time to give me those knuckles on top of my head!  Did your mother ever do that to you?  That crack from those boney knuckles always stopped me in my tracks no matter what I was doing.  I am sure I did that to my kids also and for that I beg their forgiveness.  Or do I?  Maybe not.  I have raised some damn good kids.  They all have the basics down pat.  They are honest, hard working, dependable, independent, and devoted to their mother!  They check in from time to time and are not clingy.  As far as I know, they have never been in jail and if they were it was not for very long.  

So I do not know how I got from the virtues of country music to raising kids, but I suppose my mind just took one of its turns that it is famous for, but I think there is a lesson in here some where.  Shortly after Kenneth and I got together (We lived in sin one year.  Wanted to see if we could get along before we tied the knot and had to get a divorce.) he came home and said he had just heard "Our song".  The one he came up with was "Close enough to perfect for me." https://youtu.be/UVivkbmu3To .  When I heard that song I knew that this was a marriage made in heaven.  If he could accept me as I was, where I was, then we would make it.  And we did.

Kenneth has been gone 17 years.  It seems like yesterday.  I rather doubt that there is another man alive who can accept me just as I am and where I am in my journey through this thing called "life."

So I am just going to treasure every day and do what I can to make someone happy some where.  Doesn't seem like there is much else to do.

Where did Chiquita Banana disappear to?

If there were just some way to shut this mind of mine down, we might all be better off for that.  It is 4:35 AM and the coffee is made and my hair is combed and Chiquita Banana is still fresh in my mind.  I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew by my oldest sister Josephine.  The oldest is named Mary and must be pushing 70 by now.  When she was but a wee lass and I mean so little she was not even crawling yet, I was allowed to play with her on the bed as long as I was real careful.  I was very careful, but bear in mind that I was only about 7 years old and not yet wise in the ways of wiggly babies.

As I recall she was dressed in a white something or other which started at her shoulders and ended below her feet.  It had a drawstring that tied so her little feet would stay warm, but it was loose so she appeared to be a tiny little angel!  I way so enthralled with the vision of an angel in my arms that I loosened my grip for just a moment and she shot out of my arms and fell between the bed and the wall!  Ah, sweet Jesus!  I never heard a human emit screams like that in my life and it did not help to know that I was the cause of the pain.  Since I was only 7 years old I could not pull the bed away from the wall to save the baby.  Enter Josephine, Mary Jo's 12 or 13 year old mother. (Yep.  They married young back in those days.  And you might also remember that it was a very long time ago and reality then and reality now, are sometimes 2 different things.)  Let me tell you right now, that old gal had no problem jerking that bed out and screaming at me at the top of her lungs while she was doing it.

Of course, Mary was alright.  She was a little shaken by her early flight from being my little angel to being a missile launched behind the bed.  Of course Josephine would not let me touch the baby again for a very long time.  I, of course, did not actually want to touch her just in case I was some sort of ax
murderer.  I was told every time I looked at the baby how careless I was and not to touch her.  It was kind of sad because Mary used to look at me and smile and laugh and coo, like babies are known to do.  She learned to crawl in due time and would crawl over to me and I would run away.  So much for bonding with my niece.

It was sometime during this period of my life that mother brought home a folded piece of fabric from someone who did not want it.  She unfolded it to reveal the front and back of a Chiquita Banana doll.  All she had to do was cut it out, put it right sides together, stitch it leaving an opening for turning and stuffing, stuff it and it would be mine!  How could I ever be so lucky?  Mother did not have a sewing machine at that time, so it would have to be done by hand.  Of course I was such a patient little girl as I waited every day for that to happen.  When I had finally given up on Chiquita ever being anything but a couple of flat cloth pictures, Mother whipped it together one night and handed it to me at bedtime.  You would have thought she had handed me the world!  It was the most beautiful doll I had ever seen!  The fact that it was not even a real doll, completely escaped me.  She was mine and she was special because my mother had made her for me!  I could picture her dancing in the moonlight with her hat of bananas on her head.  She was so beautiful and I wanted to be just like her when I grew up.

I have not thought of her in years.  My mother ended up helping raise my oldest sisters three kids while their father was in the Navy and their mother was busy doing her thing.  I remember special things about all three of them.  Charlie had bears in his bed most of the time.  I could never see them, but he assured me that he could.  I asked if he was afraid and he told me no, that they were nice bears.  I wonder if he still sees them?

My niece, Cindy was the youngest.  Since Mary lives on the northwest coast about as far north and west as she could go, I do not see her.  Charlie and I had a falling out years ago and I have no idea where he lives.  He has his demons and I have mine and never the twain shall meet.

But, little Cindy is firmly ensconced in my heart.  I have been to see her once and talk to her occasionally on the phone, but she is a homebody and so am I.  And she looks after her Aunt Lou.  Just recently I posted a picture on facebook of an old mixer I had fallen heir to through a death and I had used it to make cinnamon rolls.  My phone rang and Cindy wanted me to know that a new red mixer was on its way to my house to replace the last red mixer she had sent me, which had replaced the pink mixer which had replaced the black one.  Kitchen Aid has her on speed dial!  She looks out for me!  When I told her the story of the old mixer I had inherited, she told me to do something with my old red mixer because it was being replaced anyway.  Bless her little heart.  It warms the cockles of my heart to know someone out there is listening every time I speak!

The "old" red mixer will go to Pastor Faye in Colorado Springs.  The "old" pink one went to Rosie out at Los Pobres.  The old black one went to one of my kids.  The good Cindy does through me makes a lot of people happy and isn't that what it is all about? We are all shaped through out past into a vessel that will serve us in our quest for the golden ring of happiness.

And, like it or not, we spend 9 months in our mothers womb and the rest of our lives either immolating our mothers, or trying to escape the havoc they wreaked on us.  It is all in the cards we are played.  One day we all look into the mirror and see our mothers face looking back at us. We can never escape the perils of our childhood and my only advise I can give at this late date is to "Bloom where you are planted."  Nothing else can happen

As for I Chiquita, I suppose I will always wonder what became of  her.   I expect she ended up tossed into a mud puddle some where, but she should know that I never forgot her completely. I like to think that she ended up in a good home with a little girl who would love her and dream of being just like her when she grows up.

Lou Mercer Words of Wisdom: Meanwhile, back at the ranch!

Lou Mercer Words of Wisdom: Meanwhile, back at the ranch!: To say my life here on my little acre is boring would be an understatement.  It seems like there is always something going on...well, not d...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch!

To say my life here on my little acre is boring would be an understatement.  It seems like there is always something going on...well, not during Jeopardy!  Everyone knows what happens to me when I set back in my recliner with the cat on my lap and pull an afghan up over me so I do not get cold.  I watch Jeopardy! at 3:00 and again at 6:30.  Sadly, I have yet to see a full half hour.  If I manage to stay awake it is imperative that someone call  to ask just one quick question.

Now yesterday, I stopped at Big R to buy goose food since there is a storm coming and I do not want the geese to miss out on a meal and I hate unloading 150 pounds of feed in a blizzard.  So, I pulled into the back acre and started in with the first bag.  You should know, the neighbors have a Billy Goat Gruff with big long, curled horns.  He does not know where he actually lives so he spends a lot of time ripping things out of the ground on my side of the driveway.  As I started into the shed, I had to bump him with the feed bag to get inside.  I emptied that one, chased him off and grabbed another only to repeat the same scenario.  I do not even like goats and that is why I do not have one.  Third bag was tossed on top of the barrel and the goat chased off again.  I drove out and closed the gate behind me with him glaring at me from his yard.

To make a long story short, I got busy doing something and it was almost dark when I went to put the geese up for the night.  I let them in the outside wire enclosure and they were acting funny.  Since they usually do, I did not give it a second thought.  Then I remembered I needed to open that third bag and dump it so I opened the big door and took 2 steps inside and stopped.  Holy mother of God!  Inside the shed was dark and I caught a glimpse so something out of the corner of my eye.  It was big!  It was not a goose!  It was that damned goat curled up in the corner of the shed.  He was settling in for the night.  In order to get inside the shed he had to squeeze himself through the little door I have in the side of the shed designed for a much smaller animal.  Even the geese have to duck their heads to get inside.  Dammit!

Luckily I have a very good flashlight, so I went over to Mr. Goat and nudged him while shining the light on his path to freedom.  He could have cared less.  So I got him by one of his horns.  It became increasingly clear that he did not want to go home.  I finally got him out the door and that was as far as he wanted to go.  So I went next door to the house he actually lived at.  Cory came with me and between the 2 of us with a hand on each horn, we got him into their yard.  It was clear also that in the leap over the fence into my yard, he had hurt his back leg.  So I missed Jeopardy! at 6:30.  Dammit!

So, Michael brought up the subject of gardening a few days ago and I explained that I would not be doing that this year.  Why?  It seems that the last few years I have had a snake infestation.  I do not know how many times  there was a snake in the goose house.  I reached my limit when I was harvesting my zucchini and as I reached to move a leaf, I saw a snake curled up under it.  Centipedes love my basement.  Wasps build their little nests in the corners of my deck.  Spiders watch me from the shadows.  Farm living is just no longer conducive to my lifestyle!  I want to be where the lights are shining in my window and the jukebox is blaring from down below.  Well, not really.

I do love my solitude out here, but there is a lot to be said for the wild life that makes itself at home here on my acre.  I realize goats, spiders, snakes and centipedes are not exactly wildlife, but you do remember how the foxes devastated my duck farm.  But yesterday at the Big R, I saw my first signs of Spring.  They have three tanks full of baby chickens and they are so damn cute.  Maybe if I had chickens they would keep the snakes away.  I know they eat grasshoppers.

Something to think about.

Is it my turn yet?

Yesterday I took an afternoon and played Scrabble with a friend and his sister.  They are both very intelligent and loving people (Would you expect me to spend time on a Saturday afternoon with anyone who is not?)  To make a long story short, I got my little ass trounced royally.  I must say they were very gracious winners which in my world is a rarity.  It was nice.  I have not played a game since I played Dominoes with Bill Brown a couple years ago.  I beat him and never went back because I was afraid he would return the favor!

On my way home from town I stopped at another friends house.  This was not so much fun, but nonetheless a very satisfying visit.  This lady has always been open and loving and in her final hours I should have expected no less.  She smiled and actually beamed as I told her I loved her and wished her a peaceful crossing and a happy reunion.  As I kissed her goodbye she smiled the brightest smile I have seen from her in a long time and it came from the bottom of her heart.  I am going to miss her more than I can say, and I hope she will pop in on me from time to time in the hallowed memories of my mind.

As the angel of death (no capitals ) hovers quietly in the corner of yet another of my friends, I can not help but wonder when I will get my turn.  I have attended many of these and I have to say this lady is the picture of grace and never have I ever seen a person more ready to go.  Oh, Lord that I can be that accepting when it is my turn.

I look back on the shambles of my life and can not believe some of the crap I am going to have to answer for when I knock on those Pearly Gates.  Those of you who know me now only think you know me.  My mother always said "Your never really know anyone, you only know OF them.  You know what they let you see."  But here is the kicker on that:  I have let people see my kind, loving, caring side so long that I have become that person!  Who would have ever thought that the little girl growing up on Strong Street in a run down shack with an outhouse in the back  and no running water would ever be a respected member of any thing?  And yet, here I am!  When my sisters came for Kenneth's service they did not stay and visit.  (The largest chapel at Imperial Gardens was full and people were left outside.) They went home the same day.  The sole comment made was "Louella has a life out here that we know nothing about."  And that sister was right.

I do have a life with friends and acquaintances and respect from my peers.  That is something I never had in Kansas.  I was always just Louella, Chris's daughter.  Louella, Donna's sister.  Bob's cook. Some body's mom.  Some body's Aunt.  I guess that is good, but this is better.  Now that I am old, I can be selfish.  I can play Scrabble on a Saturday afternoon.  I can sleep through Jeopardy!.  I can have a sink full of dirty dishes.  I can smell the roses and kiss the wind.  I can pet my cat and dream of all the things I am going to do someday.  Who was it that said, "Of all the things of mice and men, the saddest of all is what might have been."?

I am not quite ready for the Angel of Death or the grim reaper, but when it comes, and it surely will someday, I will embrace the trip.  It is some place I have never been and I think it is just over the rainbow.  There I will see my loved ones and it will be wonderful!  I will get to meet Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King, Jr., Hank Williams, and all the people I have admired and loved for so long.

So enjoy my blog while it is here!  Hug your children.  Pet your dog.  Sing in the shower.  But most of all, get your house in order.  If you hurt someone, tell them you are sorry.  If you love someone, tell them.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes!

Peace to all!  

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at time!

I live in a 2400 square foot house.  I live all alone.  Every thing in this house is mine.  I have 2 floor looms and enough fiber to cover this acre of ground.  I have never thrown a magazine away.  House plants thrive every where.  2 couches, 2 recliners, 9 sewing machines and 64,000 yards of fabric.

I have a garage that is big enough to hold a full size commercial gravel hauling truck and trailer.  I have a tin shed that holds a full size car and 7,000 jars as well as a heavy duty rototiller, high wheel weed whacker, lawn mower and 7 weight sets without the bars.  Not to mention enough bug spray and weed killer to annihilate  half of the county.

My problem is this:  I want to sell everything and move into a small, one level apartment in town.  So where do I start?  I thought downstairs would be the place.  No.  All that fabric and machines I use.  The next level up is the weaving room and if I could just sell those 2 looms, but then what would I do with all that fiber?  And I make stationary.  I need that stuff.

Next comes the ebay/sales/spare bedroom/storage area and toy room.  Are you getting the picture?  At one point I decided that the only hope was to just drop dead and let the kids sort it out, but I could almost see the burning pile out back and them throwing me on top so I could enjoy my treasures throughout eternity!  But then this morning I seen a shared post that hit the nail on the head.  It was shared by Margaret Velveteen and it hit home with me.    OK, I tried to copy and paste and that is not working for me, so I will give you the gist of it.

"Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly...because doing it poorly is better than not doing it at all."
"Do things halfway.  Now you are doing 100% better than you were before."

Now what I take from this is that all my setting around procrastinating is getting me now where.  I have been in the "sell this damn place and move into town" mode for a couple years now and absolutely nothing has moved one inch!  So, the Patty daughter has been here for a few days and we have talked about this.  Well, I have damn near talked it to death, so today is the day that I am going to start eating that elephant!  And every day, I am going to take a bite out of it and some day (The good lord willing and the creek don't rise!) I will actually be able to look around and see bare floors and empty walls.

I am going to be just like that little ant that moved the rubber tree plant!  I have high hopes!  High apple pie in the sky hopes!  Whoops!  There goes another rubber tree plant!

Course you know I am as full of shit as a Christmas goose, don't you! And I may have had a sip or 2 from the vanilla bottle!  But I guess the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Wish me luck, because I am going to need it.  Come this fall when the leaves start to fall you are going to see that "FOR SALE" sign in front of this house or I will know the reason why.

And does anyone want 8 very old geese?  They are free to a good home!

But can I really know you?

I woke up this morning to the realization that something a friend told me many years ago should be my mantra.  I had once more been disappointed by someone I trusted and I said, "I really thought I knew him better than that."
 
To which he replied, "You never really know anyone.  You just know of them.  You know what they let you see."  And he was right.

I deal with many people, some more closely than others.  We talk and with some of them, we talk for hours.  We share secrets.  We share our inner most thoughts, hopes and dreams.  Do we really?  As I look back over the trail behind me, I am  astounded at how many of my friends have only let me see the outer veneer that covers their tortured soul.

We are placed on this earth by some divine plan to live our lives, hopefully, in peace and harmony.  Some of us have more peace and harmony then others, I have found.  It breaks my heart when I lose a friend to suicide.  Suicide is defined in the dictionary as "the intentional taking of one's own life."  It does not tell us why.  And yet the why is the first question we ask, isn't it?

And we search our memory and we recall the relationship we had with that person.  At least I do.  I remember the last time I saw him.  Right here at my table not very long ago.  He was a computer genius and he worked really cheap for his friends.  He loved cookies and I had his favorite kind.  I will make them again for his memorial service.

We can read all the psychology books and watch for the signs, but we never see them.  Is it because I let my guard down, or because the signs were never there, or did I just not want to see them?  Hind sight is 20/20 looking back, isn't it?

Many years ago when I was a Senior in high school I had a friend in Stenography class whose name I can not recall right now.  He went home one afternoon after school and hung himself in the garage.  Were there signs?  I never saw them and looking back I still don't.

Kenny and I had a friend 30+ years ago.  Kenny was working in Denver and was gone all week, leaving me alone.  He called every night and this friend knew that.  He would show up every night and set at the counter and drink coffee and reading truck books.  When Kenny called, he would talk to him for a few minutes and then he would leave.  It was never a conversation, really, just a "hello how are you?"  One afternoon he went home and put a bullet in his brain.  We never saw it coming.

So as I set here contemplating another memorial service I wonder about the very act of suicide.  No one ever says, "Well, I am just going to put my head in the gas oven and be done with it."  That would make it too simple.  So I shall do what I have always done, put one foot in front of the other and blindly go where I have always gone.  Maybe today I will make a difference to someone looking into that abyss.

Maybe not.

Some times my mind takes a turn.

 I remember when Duane and I lived in Glasco, Kansas.  At the time we only had Debbie and we lived in a large farm house on the outskirts of town.  At the time he was stealing walnut trees on the Solomon River just west of town.  Since he had a wench truck and chain saws it was a rather easy job.  Drop the tree, remove the limbs, wench the trunk and drag it home.  The buyer would come by the house and load it on his trailer.  Then he would hand Duane cold hard cash so it was pretty good money. 

It was winter at the time and the business of trimming trees was pretty slow, so it was pretty much catch as catch can as far as paying rent and buying groceries went.  He had wine fermenting in the root cellar and plenty of tobacco for “roll your own cigarettes.”  We did have a black and white television so we were not without entertainment.  Jeopardy was the game show of the day.  It was not hosted by Alex Trebec and I think the money amounts ranged from $10-50, but it was entertainment nonetheless.

Most of the entertainment consisted of trying to find something edible to eat.  Duane shot a lot of Doves that year.  Course it takes a lot of Doves to make a meal.  Fishing was also good on the Solomon river.  In central Kansas we caught a lot of catfish and Bass, but the Soloman had scary fish.  Pete pulled out a fish that looked like a snake which scared him and he beat it to death with a piece of wood.  We found out later it was a Gar.  Pete also killed a rattlesnake on the back porch late one night.  That scared hell out of me since I had just returned from getting the diapers out of the car.

There was a feed store in town and for 25 cents I could buy an old hen.  I had not cleaned a chicken in my life but I had seen my mother do it so I knew what had to happen.  First I had to put a big bucket of water on to heat.  Duane returned home it the old hen.  Her legs were tied together and I instructed him to chop of her head, which he did.  I dunked her in the scalding water just like I had seen momma and grandma do.  To my amazement the feathers pulled off very easily and very soon there were none left.  I lit a paper like I had seen them do and singed off the hairs that remained.  Then it was time to clean out the inside.

I was not very happy to slice through her abdomen and then reach inside and pull out all her innards, but I did it.  When she was as clean as she needed to be, I put her on to boil and then turned her to simmer.  My 25 cent chicken turned out to be a very good meal.  We bought a package of noodles in town for 15 cents  and ate for 2 days on that one chicken.  Course the coon dogs got the scraps and the bones.  Now the coon dogs and that business was a whole nother story. 

Duane and his brothers would go coon hunting with a man who lived a few miles away.  I never went, but he was quick to tell me how the dogs chased the coon, treed the coon and then ripped it apart when it fell to the ground and they killed it.  Now when he brought home a coon for me to clean and cook, it was a whole new ball game.  No way was I touching that to clean it, or cook it and I sure as hell was not going to eat it.  I would rather eat the barn cat and that was not happening either!

I do not know how long we lived in that farmhouse in Glasco, and I do not know where we went when we left there.  Surely some where better.  Funny how somethings just come into our minds.  Glasco was that way.  I know Duane made wine there.  I know Maudie put gas in the diesel truck.  I know that is where I enrolled in a writing class and Duane bought me my first typewriter.  I know I was pregnant with Patty when we left Glasco.  I know there was a championship boxing match that lasted only a few seconds.  I think it was Cassius Clay and somebody. Or maybe Sonny Liston, or lord only knows.

Sometimes when my memory fails me, it is a good thing.

I used to have a family.

I came across this picture the other day.   I am the first one  on the back row.  I used to be young, believe it or not.  Mother is in the middle of the back row.  I probably miss her more then you can even imagine.   The last one on the back row, is my older sister, Josephine.  

The lady in white on the front row, is sister Mary Shea.  Donna Bartholomew is in the center  and hiding behind her elbow is the youngest sister, Dorothy Anderson.  It is sad to say, but there are only 2 of us left.  Donna and myself.  We were ranging in age of oldest to youngest, Josephine, Me, Donna. Mary and Dorothy was the baby.  

How I managed to survive while my younger sisters did not, will never cease to amaze me.  Growing up, I smoked like a train and drank like a fish.  I went through husband like they were disposable items and for the most part they were not necessary to my survival.  I had 5 kids with the first husband so he stands out in my history as one of the few I could actually tolerate for more than a few months.

Josephine had married very young.  Now when I say very young, we are talking 13 or 14 years old.  She married a man twice her age and if that had happened in this day and age, that man would be in prison for a little thing called statutory rape, but back then, the sooner you married the girls off, the less mouths you had to feed.  Not excusing it, by any means, but at the time the legal age for a girl to marry was 16, with most states being younger than that.   I think Mississippi stayed at 13 and was the last to be raised to 16 and then 18.   So Josephine was not really a participating member of the family dynamic that I grew up in at the time.  She was however, an active member, just lived somewhere else.

Dad died in February of 1965 and Jake died in October.  Many years passed and then Mother was the next to go, followed by Josephine and then Mary and Dorothy.  So all that is left is one sister and maybe some cousins.  No Aunts or Uncles and I guess there are nieces and nephews, but I never see them.

I have been asked a few times why I do not move back home.  Back home?  I have been in Pueblo, Colorado for over half of my life, so I pretty well call this home.  But in all fairness, this world is not my home, I am only passing through.  There are songs written that say that.  My family consists of people I meet on the streets and in back alleys that are seeking something that I can give them.  Usually it is just a kind word, but sometimes it is my coat.  My church is my solace and my refuge, but if I did not have it I would still be here.  The homeless and the down trodden are my family now. When I lay down at night I hear a lonesome train whistle from the railroad that runs through Nickerson, Kansas.  I hear the cougar scream from the river.  I see my brothers eyes and I feel my mothers breathe.

It is only in the far recesses of my mind's eye that I will ever be home.