Nickerson on the Ailmore place.

Here we go down memory lane.  This first picture is Roy Keating's house just up the road from us.  Roy raised pigs, and I mean really big pigs.  I have rarely seen pigs that big.  They were black and white.  He also had a chicken house.  I gathered eggs while dad took care of the pigs.  Mother had told him what would happen to him if I got eaten by one of those damned pigs.

Going on past and then taking a left turn would bring you to Bull Creek.  Normally it was dry, but this spring it was almost out of it's banks.  This is the same Bull Creek of that bull frog episode that occurred with sister Josephine.  Made me want to get out of the car and wade like I did all those years ago.

 Right past the creek was the Rumble house.  I was surprised that it was still standing, but houses were built to last back then.  Mr. Rumble told me one time that if I learned the words to the song "Buttons and Bows" he would give me a shiny dime.  That was a fortune back then for a snot nosed kid, but so was the song playing on the radio.  I have since learned most of the words, but sadly no one wants to hear me sing!

 I think this is the Barthold house where I used to spy on the sisters drinking tea in their back yard.  Damn!  I know now what an obnoxious kid is, and I sure think I qualified!

This is all for today.  The computer is not wanting me to do this.  

Tomorrow I will journey down Strong Street and go to the cemetery.  I want to thank you for joining me down memory lane as I confront and exorcise my demons.  This is something I have wanted to do for years and knowing you are with me makes me stronger.

I love you all!

A chamber pot, by any other name is still gross.

Now this morning you are going to learn something you probably could have gone the rest of your life without knowing, and yet here I am.  Since I lived through the chamber pot days, you ought to at least be able to read about them!  So here we go!

Once upon a time, long, long ago,  there was a little girl who lived in a ramshackle house on Strong Street in Nickerson, Kansas.  She lived there with her mother, father, older sister, older brother and 3 younger sisters.  The house had electricity, but they never used it except to run the pump and the washing machine.  They did not want to "wear it out" nor did they want to appear "uppity."  They owned a car, but it was only used on Sundays when the went to Plevna to see great grandma Hatfield and Grandma Haas.  They were simple folks, you see.

The house had 2 bedrooms, a front room, a dining room and a kitchen/laundry/Saturday night bath room and a book case with Nancy Drew mystery's on the shelves.  Oh, and Brenda Starr.  So I guess that was also a library.  The "front" bedroom was Dad's, but he had to share with us big kids, Josephine, Jake, Donna, Mary and me. Dorothy slept with Mother in the middle (other) bedroom.  Mother needed her privacy and the only time we were allowed to sleep with her was when we were sick.

Ah, but back to the chamber pot business.  For those of you who are antique collectors you will recognize a "chamber pot" as a porcelain bucket with a handle for carrying.  Usually it was white with a lid and a line of blue around the top for decoration.  I never quite understood that whole decoration thing, but I guess it is what it is.  The main purpose (Well actually, the ONLY purpose.) of the chamber pot was to hold human excrement during the night and was immediately emptied upon the household arising.  It was called a chamber pot, because most people had a private area when one could go in and close the door and do "their business in private.  Not us!  Nope.  We did not have a chamber anywhere in that house and if we did there would no doubt be a kid in there.  It was probably about 120 feet from the back door of the house to the outhouse.  Now I do not know if you have ever been out in the wilds of Nickerson, Kansas, at night without a flashlight, but let me tell you, that is one damn scary place.

Number one, our house was probably about a block from the cemetery, and there was that business of ghosts for our little minds to deal with on dark, moonless nights.  Nights with a full moon were even worse!  And the river was not far so it was not unusually to hear a wolf, coyote or cougar howling or screaming and scaring the living shit right out of us.  That, coupled with the fact that dad had seen Gypsies camped on the outskirts of town and you know what that meant.  You see Gypsies came into towns and stole the children.  Luckily we never actually missed anyone, but that was because people like my father seen them and made the kids stay inside.

But back to the chamber pot saga!  Ours set right under the window between the kids bed and dad's bed.  After dark we were free to use the chamber pot and by morning it was full.  Now I trust I do not need to tell you what it was full of, do I?  It was usually Jake's chore to take it out to the outhouse and dispose of it, rinse the container and turn it upside down to drip dry and air out.  When Josephine eloped at the tender age of 15 or so and Jake left home, the duty fell to me.  I was smart enough to know that the sooner I got that thing the lighter my chore would be.  If I waited too long those other kids would not go outside and soon it was full to the brim.  Just try carrying one of those things without slopping it on your feet.

We left that house when I was 16 and I never ceased to be amazed that we had an "inside bathroom" in every house we lived in after that.  Not only did the houses have a commode that flushed, but there was a small sink to wash my face and look in the mirror.  And the bathtub!  My God!  That was pure bliss to sink into and soak. (It was also handy for throwing up in when I came home so drunk I could not hit the stool!  But that is another story and we probably are not going to go there!  Sorry, momma.)

Speaking of bathrooms, I probably ought to get off here and go clean mine.  Thinking back on those years always makes me appreciate what I have now.

Have a good day and thank the Lord for the little things he gives you.  You could be growing up on Strong Street in Nickerson, Kansas.

709 North Strong, Nickerson, Kansas . Hot bed of the midwest?

Yep!  That is where I started second grade and where I lived until we moved to Hutchinson, Kansas.  Oh, there was that 6 months or so that I was with Grandma Haas and Great Grandma Hatfield, but for the most part, I learned all I needed to know about live there on Strong Street. 
It used to snow back in those days and we would sometimes need to walk home from school in the snow which was up over our knees, or so it seemed.  Of course, my knees were not as far up to as they are today.  Or maybe it just seemed that way to a little kid.  We walked every where we went and it seemed like the walk to and from school was so long, but as I look back now, it was a total of 8 or 9 blocks and it took forever.  I drove it last time I was there and it actually takes about 3 minutes and that is waiting at the highway for the hay wagon to pass.
First block was the school block.
Second block was the people I did not know.
Third block was Eldon Belote and Loren McQueen.
Fourth was Wells(?) and she had delivered her last baby in the bathroom (one of which we did not have inside the house).
Then Darrel Kalb on one side of the street and Jimmy Redford on the other.  (Both of these boys were objects of my 7th and 8th grade crushes.
Then the house where the guy had set it on fire to collect the insurance money, but wound up in jail for his efforts.
Block 7 was Whittlin' Joe and Johnny Carson who let the chickens roost in their house.
Block 8 was Howard Fein who made his lower plate jump out at me once and scared the livin' pee waddin' out of me because I did not know teeth were not attached.  (I did find out later how that worked when momma got her teeth pulled and got false ones which made her look like Tex Ritter, or so I thought.
Then home.  Home was always good.  It was a safe place and there were people there that I liked, or thought I did and then I left home because I did not like them, but then I found out I did, but by then there was no going back.
Behind our house was the cemetery where we liked to play because there was grass there.  And down the road was a sand pit where we were not allowed to go, but we did it anyway, because we were kids and kids do things they are not supposed to do.  We did have to be careful because sometimes a pack of wild dogs would roam the country side and we did not want to be killed and eaten.  Oh, and there was those Gypsy's that camped right outside of town and were known to grab young kids and take them God only knows where and do God only knows what with them.  Luckily I was never kidnapped.  No one in our family or anyone I ever knew was kidnapped.  I never actually seen the Gypsy's and I never knew anyone that did, but still, you could never be too careful!
The high school gymnasium burned down at some point during my high school years.  Now, I must go on record here as saying, I do not remember much about high school.    I do not know whether terrible things tend to be buried deep in our psychic, or the fact that I had a good friend who's dad made home brew might have tended to blur and distort some of my memories.
I do know I was not very interested in boys, not meaning that I was interested in girls.  I mostly liked to just day dream, I think.  I could see a very bright future for me as a writer, an actress, and entertained ideas of every kind, but never the role of wife or mother.  I did date a boy who later proved to be gay.  We had lots of fun and won all the dance contests.  Now I want you to know, that back in the day when we had the "sock hop" at convention hall, there was some dancing going on!  Remember American Bandstand with Dick Clark?  It was mine and Corky's dream to go there.  Course we never made it that far.  We did the over the shoulder, through the legs, toss in the air, stroll, chicken, bebop and anything else you could imagine, but we never made it to Band Stand! 
We did make it to Joyland in Wichita one afternoon.  Unfortuneatly that ended with me throwind up on the Round Up.  Nothing makes a date stand out in time immemorial like the girl hurling her cookies!
I have many memories of those years and I did not know until 55 years later that this was the ground work for Louella Bartholomew to become Lou Mercer.  My biggest regret in life  is probably that life can not be lived in the rear view mirror.  Ah, would I have done things different?  Hell yes!  But would I be the person I am today had I lived it different?  I doubt it.  There is a lot to be said for that song  The roots of my raisin' run deep.  I've come back for the strength that I need.  And help comes no matter how far down I sink.  The roots of my raisin' run deep.
For the record, I am happy with the person I am today.  Not real proud of some of the lessons I learned, but today I am a content woman with my mantra painted on a sign on the deck.  It reads

Love many, trust few.  Always paddle your own canoe! 

AIDS Quilt #4

I hope I have all the ones on here.  This is one of the first quilts I made. I think it may actually be #2 because there are 2 panels on this one that measure 1' x 3' which tells me we were still in the planning and finalization stages. Shortly thereafter we (I) decided that for this to work they all had to be the same size.  Since the panels on the big quilt are 3' x 6',  which is the size of a grave in the cemetery, we should make these scale to 1/3.  So that works out well.

Steven Stiles

2/9/1956-1/23/1996

This is the white block up in the upper left corner.  It was made by his mother with much love. There is a family portrait and a picture of Steven with his cat. He loved Christmas so there is a beaded tree. His mother did a beautiful job on this.

Steven Kirk

6/9/1956

This is the large black and gold one on the left. He loved the theater and had a star named after him, "Aquila".  I made this at his mother's direction. She has since passed and I miss our little talks.

Gilbert Fields

1985

This was my very, very dear friend Gibby. He used to help me play Santa when I had no one but the kids. Granted, we did have a few drinks in the process, and almost cut our fingers off on a tin doll house once, but we had a great time and if I needed a brother, Gibby was there. He cooked and I waitressed at a place in Hutch called The Red Rooster.

 He moved out to California in 1984.  If you will notice, he passed early in the epidemic. He called us quite regularly until he got sick and nothing could be done. Then his friend kept in touch.  Then there was nothing. Gibby had died and his family chose not to tell anyone so we do not know the exact date of his death nor where he was (or if) he was buried. I do know this little laughing fellow had a very big part of who and where I am today and I send a big hug and kiss up to heaven where my friend Gibby is teaching the angels how to cook and my mother is giving him hell!

Gene Howery

8/18/1945-8/14/1995

This is the lower right with the howling coyote.  Another friend with no family to make a panel. We all went to Denver to the Gay Pride Parade in 1994, I believe.  The kids marched and we watched and waved. Gene and his partner walked with there dogs. Such a common ordinary thing to do in a world that was chaotic at the time.

Robert Tyree

4/25/1961-1/10/1991

This belongs to the son of the lady who started Southern Colorado AIDS Project field office in Pueblo, and I can not right now remember what year.  Shirley made this panel herself. It says Loved, Gone, Never Forgot. It also shows him setting by the Golden Gate Bridge. Another healing work of love by a mother left behind. They are together now.

Robert Martinez

4/26/1964-6/5/1991

Another one earlier in the epidemic. I did not know Robert, but I do know he loved music and sunsets. There is a picture of his that shows a beautiful sunset on this panel.

Ronnie Reagan

8/10/1956-2/18/1995

I made this for a friend of Ronnie's. It says "Sleep in peace, my little friend. Terry Atencio". Terry was a man in this town who took in anyone who needed a place to stay, sobered them up and sent them into the world a much better person.  He is also sadly missed, but has no panel as he does not belong on this quilt.

And that is it for this quilt.  You should know that all these panels are here because I first received permission from a family member to make them and add them. Since this is a public display that is shown several times a year there is no breach of confidentiality. I would never do that. When I started in this particular field I signed an affidavit that I would keep confidentiality and that is what I do.

I know sometimes I get a little long winded on these posts, especially when I am dealing with things that rip my heart out, like this series on the AIDS Memorial, but I just ask that you either bear with me, or click off and leave me here to weep alone.

And my life is full and rich...

This is the Daisy dog. She has not had a bath in over a month!

This is the Elvira, Mistress of the night dog. She just had her bath and she is very pretty.  I look around at my life and I see that it is very good. I have the Cherry Tree right outside the office window, the Redbud blooming in both the front yard and the back yard, the Flowering Pink Almond, Lilac's  and tons of the pretty little yellow flowers all through the grass. Now what more could one woman ask from life? The companionship of the doggies is enough to satisfy any longings I have on the cold winter night. Barely enough room in the bed for me to sleep!

I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, clothes for my back, and food for my tummy.  I have friends and my church for a social life, a mind to think , and a marker at the cemetary that is already engraved. Can you think of anything that is missing? When I bought my marker, the guy at Imperial said the date of my death would be engraved later. I tried to talk him into helping me just set a date and we would work from that, but the guy had no sense of humor. In his line of work I think I understand that.

So, just wanted to share that with you while I had it on my mind.  Dogs come and dogs go. Cats come and the owls eat them. The duck flock is slowly thinning itself and I am sure the geese will follow suit.  A couple years ago I had 36 ducks. Now I am down to 21. It is called the cycle of life.  I have friends who are concerned that the world will end in 2012. First it was 1984, then 1999, then 2000, and I am still here. See, I read the Bible and I like the part about. "No Man shall know the hour of my coming. There shall be 2 people working in the field, the one shall be taken and the other left behind..."

So I shall set here with my doggies, very patiently waiting. In the meantime, I think I will do a lot of living and there is a lot needs doing out there. Think I will go find some to do.