My very own Big Chief !

The kindness of my readers will never cease to amaze me!  Yesterday I heard the Fedex knock on the door which sounds much akin to a black limousine speeding past and throwing a body out the back door and into the street!  That has never really happened out here, but you know my imagination.  Those drivers and delivery people do not linger long.

Upon closer investigation I found a package on the milk crate.  Inside it was this:

Inside it was this: 

And for a closer look: There are 4 of those suckers!

Now some of you may remember that I wrote a blog on the Big Chief  tablets that I got for Christmas  back when I was 9 years old and how much I enjoyed the blank pages just waiting for me to fill them with my imagination.  Apparently Linda Kulp way up in Wyoming was listening!

Well, most of you know I have been through a rather rough spot and I want you all to know that the kindness shown by so many of my readers has touched me in a way this old tattered and leathered soul can not even begin to express and in ways I did not know was possible.  Beth Perry sent me a daily devotional that I read every day.  

I have had phone calls and notes from so many people.  Kind words over the phone with a simple "We are here for you" mean so much.  I will survive, but you all need to know this:  knowing that you are all out there and you all read or hear what I say means so much to me.  From California to Florida and Texas to Wyoming, I have the most empathetic and caring people in the world.  

Sometimes you may not agree with the words I write, but through this I do know one thing:  My readers are human and kind hearted people.  You may not be legion in number, but you are callosal in spirit!  Every day I get a little better and while I doubt that I will ever forget this experience, I will come through on the other side a better and stronger person not because of it, but in spite of it.

So thank you to all of you.  Know that I love everyone of you and some day soon, you will tap into this blog and I will make you laugh again, or at least smile.  Or better yet, remember the good old days when I made a trip to the outhouse in the middle of the night and had to wait with the door locked and huddled inside for daylight because I thought something in the dark was waiting to eat me!

I love everyone of you!  I thank God for giving you to me for just a few moments a day!  

I think my daughter said this but I always say, Momma said it best:  "What doesn't kill you will make you strong!"

  

Kansas Naval Air Station

 KNAS.  So, I am a little fussy on the years here, but I think it was back in the late 1950's that Hutchinson had the Kansas Naval Air Station located South of Hutch.  I was in High School and my graduation year was 1959, or at least that is what my class ring said.  Sadly, I knew all I needed to know by the middle of my Senior year and I dropped out.  I attended my Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior  year at Nickerson High School, go Wildcats!  Might not have been wildcats, but my memory says it was.

Now you may ask how this has anything to do with the Navy, but if you are patient, I will get there.  Now what was housed at the Naval Air Station?  Sailors!!  Now you must remember that at that juncture of my life I was a nubile teenage girl who had not sampled the forbidden pleasures of life and love.  Ah, but I had dreams!  And I had dreams because I had finally developed what appeared to be a bosom and I had heard the other girls talking.  I was not quite sure exactly what "Married Love" was, but I was pretty sure I wanted to be a beloved wife some day and that some man would sweep me off my feet and take me to paradise where I would live happily ever after.  

In the meantime, the sailors who were stationed at KNAS liked to come to our little town and cruise Main Street during our school lunch hour and try to pick up girls.  I was scared to death of men, but I gotta tell you those boys/men in those tight, white navy pants with two rows of dark navy blue buttons touched me and warmed the cockels of my heart!  The neighbor girls, Delores and Irene, were allowed to date, so they did.  Delores ended up marrying one named Smitty and moving back east some where.  Irene dated some guy and fell madly in love until he was "shipped out"  and she was left crying in the dust.

But the stage for my life was set by those boys in their white uniforms.  Army khaki and Air Force Blue meant nothing compared to Navy white.  Winter was Navy blue wool and the wool looked pretty itchy to me, so Spring and Fall we were good to go and my heart came to life, but Winter was verboten, which is kin to mauch's nix.

But my minds eye can still see the coupes, which were their chosen vehicle, and the sailors with their white hats cocked just so, cruising Main and hear the cat calls emitting from the vehicles.  Of course all the girls tee-heed and me right along with them. Sadly, I knew the sailors were off limits and if I was ready to start dating, I better hope that the one I picked was the geek with the glasses in my History  class.  And sadder yet, he was my cousin!  Since the Beck family had been the precursors to the Haas migration from Germany, most everyone was my cousin.  In order to carry on the family line and for Mother to make a decent wage, we had to move to Hutchinson for my Senior year.

That was also about the time that the Kansas Naval Air Station south of Hutchinson closed and the base was deserted.  A couple years later I married a guy who had just gotten out of the Army and returned from Germany.  Boy was that an exercise in futility.  The floors were wood and they had to be paste wax coated which meant I had to rent a buffer every time I cleaned the floor.  His Kahki pants had to be starched and the crease sharp and exact!  Of course the fact that he was just going to get drunk and spill stuff on them was entirely beside the point.  Oh, and the allegiance I held for the Navy must be replaced by the Army.  Charlie and Kenneth were both Marines. But guess what!  I finally got my sailor!

Anthony was in the Navy on board the USS Proteus, a sub-tender.  The motto was Prepared, Productive, Precise.  And he reflected that later in life as well.  He was stationed in Hawaii.  He was in Pearl Harbor, but it was after the bombing.  Of course that was many years before I met him.  There is a lot to be said for the twilight years, but right now it slips my mind that anything I come up with would be worth repeating.

I saw his white bell bottom pants.  Of course they did not fit him any more, but I did get to touch them and for a while I was back on the streets of Nickerson and the sailor boys were "cruising  Main".  I was still 17 years old with dreams of being a missionary.  I still could not look a man in the eye, but I could envision him with dark hair and soft brown eyes dressed in his Summer Whites.  I can hold my little sailor boy in my minds eye, but more importantly, in my heart.

And at this point in life, memories and dreams is about all we have, isn't it?

If I had known

 If I had known the last time I held you that it would be the last time, I would not have  let you go.  I would have hugged you tighter and I would have thanked God for letting me.

If I had known that the last time I talked to you on the phone was the last time I would hear your voice I would not have put the receiver back in the cradle.

If I had known that the trip to the Reservoir was the only one we would take I would still be standing on the bluff looking out at the water.

The Scrabble Board is dusty.

The kite remains folded.

The Sand Dunes are still waiting.

The Aspens have lost their leaves.

The sun still sets and the moon still rises.

The stars still twinkle and I am sure some where life goes on, but it is not here.  I look into the abyss that is my life and try to make meaning of it.  I put one foot in front of the other and I say the things I am expected to say, but the world is empty and space but a void.

I must search for a new meaning to life because, after all, I am a survivor.

Those are the words you're gonna have to eat!

" I don't love you anymore, I'm glad that we are through.

Those are the words that I said to you.

Take those words and coat with chocolate, make them sugar sweet.

Those are the words you're gonna have to eat."

I tried to find this song on youtube and ended up with a recipe for Buttercream Frosting.  While that was not my original intent, I needed that also.  Many years ago this was one of the songs Corky and I danced to at the Convention Hall Saturday night dances in Hutchinson, Kansas.  Some girl sang it and I can not remember who, but it is playing in my head as I type. 

But it is not the song that is important, nor who sang it 60 years ago when Corky was the love of my life and dancing my only passion, but rather the words.  "I don't love you any more, I'm glad that we are through.  Just what was it that I thought I saw in you?  Take those words and coat with chocolate, make them sugar sweet!  Those are the words that I'm gonna have to eat!"

Now Corky is a distant, although pleasant memory and his face has faded from my memory, but those  words are still in my head.  This past week has brought that song back to the forefront and made me rethink a lot of stuff.  As I watched our capitol was being invaded by men and women carrying the American flag and smashing anything in their way into the bowels of the building where government business was being conducted.  Windows were shattered and men and women elected by us, fled into hiding.  Democrat, Republican, Independent seemed to make no difference to this mob.  And as I watched I could not help but wonder where our leader was?

I do not need to tell you how that little scenario played out.  America is still standing.  The Captiol building is still standing.  You and I are enjoying the same freedoms we had before and Joe Biden will be sworn in on January 20th.  Nothing changed except now a whole bunch of people will be arrested and tried, hopefully for treason or at the very least treasonous acts of terrorism. A few people are dead and that is sad.  But let's go a step further and question what they thought would happen.

They did this supposedly because they loved America and wanted to own her.  Did they think if they got into the building that you and I would just say, "Oh look!  They are in there, now Donald Trump will still be president.  He will rule the United States and we will be his followers?"  Methinks these people should have listened when they were studying the government in school.  America is a Democracy ran for the people and by the people.  We elect our officials to do that so we do not have to go to Washington ourselves.  If we had wanted to keep trump we would have voted him back in for another 4 years, but we did not.

For many years, I was an Independent and was registered as such.  I voted for Reagan and Bush.  I voted for Kennedy.  I cast my vote for Jimmy Carter and learned that just because a man is a good Christian and loves his wife does not mean he will be a good President.   I am not vocal in my politics and as long as whomever is in charge is fair and honest, I am content.   I will not go into this any further, only know this:

America is strong and designed to stay that way.  It is called checks and balances and we use it every day in our daily lives.  It is sad that this had to happen as the whole world watched, but that is modern day communications.  I imagine Putin was laughing his ass off and cheering the rioters on while doing so, but I was very sad.  So I went to youtube and I found this https://youtu.be/EBjEjoAzdHE .

So rest in peace,  America, the good guys are still in charge and peace will prevail.  To the people that tried to bring her down, sorry.  You should have read the Bill of Rights and peeked at the Constitution.  The game is not "King of the Hill," it is called "Democracy!"

Dreams never really die, do they?

 My first memories of Christmas include waking up and running in to the dining room table where Santa had left our gifts.  There was the usual panties and socks.  And then a ball and an orange.  There was also some sort of candy; not much, but something.  Mostly we got a chocolate thing that was about an inch high and inside it was something made with powdered sugar and it was disgusting.  I can tell you this now since Mother is no longer with us, that this particular candy was gross!  The chocolate did not have a taste since it was mostly wax.  The powdered sugar filling was hard, but that was 70 years ago before all the preservatives came to make sure nothing dries out or loses what ever taste it had.  

Ah, but at the bottom of the pile was what I coveted most!  A brand new Big Chief Tablet.  It was red.  Always red, I think.  I think this is what it looked like back then.  Mother always included a pencil and I think she was killing 2 birds with one stone, so to speak.  The fact that we had to furnish our own books and tablets and pencils and such came into play at Christmas.  She had to buy them anyway, so might as well give Santa the credit.

What momma did not realize that a sheet of paper and a pencil with a sharp point was all I ever wanted out of life.  I wanted to write poetry.  That was my sole goal in life.  It would be followed later by the desire to write a book, which was followed by wanting to change the world.  Reality deemed that I would work and raise children.  Motherhood took precedence over my wants and desires, but it has been fulfilling and I am proud of all of my children today.  Granted none of them every made it into the highest office in the land, but I consider that one of my greatest blessings.  I digress.

Some where in my past lives poems and short stories that will never be found or read by another human, but I know.  I can not always voice my thoughts, but I can write them.  I do have a gift for that, and for that I thank God.  What the world does not know is that if I am sad, I write.  If I am happy I write.  If I am fired up for a cause whether it be gay rights, abortion, civil rights, women's rights, homelessness, or any of the myriad of things that cross my sight daily; I write.

But here is the deal.  When I write I share happy thoughts, and I hope I make you smile.  When I write I release the demons that tear at my soul, and I hope you understand that also.  Sometimes I just want to share a tiny glimmer of hope that has flitted across my radar.  For some people, a drink after work relieves the pressure.  Some people jog.  I write.

So here is the deal; I will keep writing if you will keep reading.  My blog has a counter so I know there are  several someone's out there reading what I write.  Feel free to leave a comment, good or bad.  That way I know I made a connection.  

In the meantime, I have youtube playing in the background and this song tears my heart right out of my body.  click herehttps://youtu.be/KZ-4LwfCClk

Gonna kiss another year goodbye!

 Thanksgiving is over.  Don't remember what, where, or if I ate, but I am sure I did.  For the most part 2020 sucked.  There was the covid most of the year which pretty well kept us all isolated.  Well, it kept those of us who believed that it was more than the flu off the streets and out of the stores and restaurants.  And then when I lost my dear Anthony to a disease that didn't exist, I pretty much gave up.  

I do want to thank the friends who knew and who cared for standing behind me and keeping me from falling.  And to those of you who did not know, it is best that way.  I never was one to air my laundry as mother used to say.  It is water under the bridge and you know how that goes!  When the water flows under the bridge, it is gone.  Never going to see that water again.  Off to the sea, or into a reservoir some where and flushed down the shitter.  Gone.

OMG!  Today is Saturday.  I thought it was Friday.  Good thing I looked at the calendar.  The worst thing about isolation is that I never know for sure what day it is.  I am going to Fowler to spend the night with a friend on Sunday.  I will spend the night because I do not want to drive home in the dark.  If Shirley was still alive, I could stop and see her, but she isn't.  But, I am supposed to make Tiramisu and I planned on making it on Saturday, but that was when I thought Saturday was tomorrow.

So that last paragraph  has nothing to do with anything.  It is just more of my ramblings that were leading to what is really in my little head this morning.  So, here we go.  I am going to make my list of New Years Eve resolutions sometime this week.  I know I am going to do this because every year I do.

I write them down on paper, because that makes them real and I may forget what they were.  Let me rephrase that: I WILL forget what they are.  I have yet to fulfill one of the lists, so I really do not know why I bother, but hope springs eternal in the human breast.  (I read that some where.) So here it comes:

1.  This one used to be "quit smoking", but one day I just got up and never smoked again.  I am not sure what year that even was.  Seems like it was in the Spring.  Cathy knows because she quit then also.  So I will change this one to  "Drink more water."

2.  Take a walk every day.  Well, maybe every other day.  Let's get real here: Take a walk when the sun is shining and it is between 75 and 85 degrees and Jiraiya is here to keep me company.  There.  That should do.

3.  Keep the house clean.  Change that one to: Make sure the front and back doors are clear of debris in case the house catches on fire from internal combustion from the grease on the stove from the healthy diet I never followed from the last New Years Day resolution list I made.

4.  Call my friends more often even though they depress me when they tell me what they have been doing while I was setting home feeling sorry for myself.

So, hell with this.  I am never going to change.  Life sucks so I might as well get used to it. I still have 5 days to make my list so expect a revision on this list.  For now, I am going to just hit the publish button up on top and probably go eat a cinnamon roll.  

Remember what momma told me; "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  And I do have good intentions.

Momma and the elusive hummingbird.

When I moved to Colorado from Kansas way back in the early 1970's, I left my dear momma behind.  Well, to be honest, I left a lot of things behind, the least of which was a string of broken hearts and many friends.  Momma had the key to the house and the restaurant and I had a husband and a 1967 Chevy.  But I also had hopes and dreams. The husband did not last long and he took the Chevy when we parted ways.  The hopes and dreams would never die.  

To make a long story short, I touched lightly on husband #4 and  then moved on to a single life.  Life was good.  I had friends and I had to work 2 jobs to survive.  My momma back home missed me and I missed home.  So once a year I would travel back and in the spring or she would ride the train to  La Junta.  I would pick her up and bring her the last 50 miles.  Once she traveled with a lady we both knew.  That was not a good idea!  

My momma loved the hummingbirds that live in Colorado, but not in Kansas, or at least I never seen them down in Hutchinson which is very hot and muggy.  It soon became her quest to see as many of them as she could.  I loaded her into the car and we drove to Beulah.  It rained and the hummingbirds stayed hidden in the trees.

By this time I had married Kenny and we lived on the mesa.  Momma really liked that. I had a feeder hanging in front of the big window in the front room and I could spot the little fellows all day, but dear momma was not so lucky.  She liked to set in my rocker in front of the window and work crossword puzzles while she waited for the tiny birds to appear.  My office has always been on the upper level and I have a clear view of the window, so I was the look out.

A bird would come to the feeder and I would call out to her, but by the time she finished writing the word in the puzzle, the little feathered creature had flown away.  Then she would set staring at the empty perch waiting for the colorful little bird to come back.  After a few minutes of staring out the window at nothing, she would go back to her puzzle and wait till I spotted another one and we would repeat the whole scenario.

We set in the front yard under the Ash tree and waited.  Of course as we waited we talked and the birds did not like that so they stayed away.  Her trips were always planned around the start of summer before it got to hot for the little hummers.  We did travel to Beulah a time or two and parked to watch for them, but by this time her eye sight was not as clear as it used to be.  I did get a picture of two hummingbirds and mounted it for her, but that was never the same.

As momma got older we worried about her riding the train alone, so someone would bring her to me.  At this point of her life she was now into my cooking more so then the hummingbirds.  When she arrived, she would get out of the car and in her hand she had a list of food she wanted me to prepare.  

"They feed me that crap out of cans and I do not like it."  She would hand me her list and my work was cut out for me.  It read like this:

1.  Tomato soup.  Not canned tomato soup.  The kind you make with tomatoes where you mash and boil them and put soda to take out the acid.  And made with milk!  Not water.  And I like a grilled cheese sandwich with that.

2.  Liver and Onions.  Calf liver that is floured and browned in the skillet.  Saute the onions and then put the lid on with a little water and turn it on low and let it steam.

3.  Cinnamon Rolls.  Made with yeast and flour and let the dough raise then roll it out and lots of brown sugar and cinnamon.  And let them raise.  Not out of a can!

4.  Chicken and Noodles.  Boil the chicken and make good broth.  Homemade noodles made with egg and flour and cut on the counter.  Not those slick things that come in a cellophane bag.

There were other things she liked me to fix, but those were the staples that she had traveled 400 miles and all day to eat and by the gods above I better not screw up those four things!  And light on the salt!  High blood pressure.  "You can always put salt in, but you can not take salt out, so take it easy with that salt shaker."

Yes, momma! My sisters swore the frozen stuff or the canned stuff was as good or better than homemade, but momma wasn't buying that crock!

I miss my momma and that is a fact.  I used to have a big family, but sadly I am down to only one sister.  When momma was alive I always went home, but now it just isn't worth the effort.  Course I am not a spring chicken any more.  I like to go see my kids, but this past year, I have not done so.  The pandemic, you know.  I miss that.  I miss momma.

I often wonder if I will ever get old enough to not miss her.  Probably not.  I think my kids still miss me, but I am wondering if I showed up on their doorstep with my menu in my pocket, what the reception would be!  First thing is that since there are no hummingbirds in Kansas, I would have to watch the crows.  As I recall those damn things were as big as chickens.

So I guess I will just set here and miss momma and wish I was young again and she was planning a visit.  We have to love them while we have them, because that is how life is designed.  And I wonder, if I had it to do all over again if I would do it different.  I kind of doubt it, because momma had a saying for every occasion and another of her favorites was, "Try getting that toothpaste back in the tube."

So there you have it!  RIP my mother, you are sorely missed!