I still believe in waltzes!

 It has been a couple of rough months, but there is a new sun on my horizon!  I woke up with this song on my mind and realized that where there is life there is hope.  Loretta and Conway 

The last two months have not been kind to me to say the very least, but I am still here.  A saying comes to my mind that I always credited to my mother, but I actually think it was my oldest daughter that spits it out fairly regularly, and that is this "What doesn't kill you will make you strong."  And that saying is spot on!  ( I love that phrase!  Spot on!  But more about that later.)

Those of you who know me well, know that my track record for husbands was not anything that would be something that you would want to emulate nor the footsteps I wanted my children to walk in behind me, but it is what it is.  I spent 20 years with my last husband and another 16 mourning his passing before I took my first tremulous steps into the world of dating and learning to care for a man.  In all fairness, I learned to care for him long before the dating dance began.

He was kind.  He was fun.  He was thoughtful.  All of those are important, but he was also one of the smartest men I have met.  Intelligence is very important to me.  Kindness is very important to me.  Although we never discussed it, I knew he was a man I could trust and depend on to be there for me.  If I was having a bad day, I could call him and I knew he would be there.  That is the kind of man he was.  He was empathetic and while he may not have been as wise in the ways of the world as some men, he was perfect for me.

Momma always said, "All good things must come to an end."  And you all know, Momma was always right.  So the good thing came to an end and it broke my heart.  Death is a very hard pill to swallow and when it happens suddenly it leaves shock waves behind that are not always easy to deal with.  My last husband spent over 2 months on machines that kept him alive because I could not find his DNR at the precise moment I needed it.  (If you have one, keep it on the front of your refrigerator and make sure it is there every day!  When the EMT comes they will need to see it or you are going to end up some where you do NOT want to be.  Enough about that)

So the man who opened doors for me, who made sure I had my seat belt fastened, and told me to call when I got home so he would know I made it is no more.  

No more coffee on Sunday afternoon. 

No more Boggle.

No more flying the kite.

No more walks at the Reservoir.

Not going to see the Aspens change next fall.

Not going to the Sand Dunes.

No bantering over which is best, Jazz or Country Classics.

No more happy to see him and sad to leave.

No more anything but a long empty road that leads to no where.

It is called life.  Naked come we into this world and naked we will leave.  Happiness is only what we catch every now and then and it only lasts for a fleeting time, so enjoy it while you can, because it can all change in the blink of an eye.

I will survive, because that is what I do.  I am a better person for having known him and his family is my rock.  Of course I have friends who want to help and they do, but at the close of day, when I lay in my bed and reflect back, I can not help but shed a tear and remember what a Bard of long ago wrote:

"Of all the things of mice and men, the saddest of all is what might have been."

So laugh while you can, love while you can and remember the movie "Gone with the wind" and Scarlett Ohara standing in the rubble saying "Tomorrow is another day!"  

And to that I might add, "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."  I am a better person for having known Anthony and a sadder person for losing him, but I will survive, "the good lord willing and the creek don't rise!"

Peace!

We meet everyone for a reason.

1. They are sent to awaken us.

2.  They are sent to hold space for us.

3.  They are sent to help us grow.

4.  They are sent to remind us.

5.  They are sent to stay, holding a long term role in our lives.

I found this on an old yellow index card when I was cleaning the mess on top of my desk this past week.  It is in my handwriting, so I know I copied it from some place and at a time when I probably needed to know this stuff.  And I also know, that at this time and place I needed to find it and be reminded of just where my friends came from and why they are still here.

I look at this list and I look back at my life and I realize that everyone of these sentences are true.  Now, granted, some of my dearest friends are not in my life in an active way, but that may be because they served their purpose and moved on.  Some of them are in my darkest past and I no longer have contact with them, but they do pop into my memory from time to time. 

And as I look back on my most troubling times in my long ago past, there were no friends.  It was during those times that I escaped into my childhood.  In my childhood I was safe from the present I was living.   It was my childhood that gave me the strength to move forward and gave me the courage to "accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I think that all this shows up in the Serenity Prayer in some form.  That prayer, while used by the AA groups, is a good one for all of us to follow. 

I look back down the twisted, littered road of my past and I have to acknowledge that during most of that time, there were no flesh and blood friends, but there was always God and the certainty that he was holding me up.  And it was just as if I was held by the blacksmith as he held me over the roaring forge.  He melded me and formed me into the woman I am today.  

Mother taught me that "as you sow, so shall you reap."  And "sow the wind and reap the whirlwind."  And another important one was, "To have a friend, you need to be a friend."  When I moved from Western Kansas back to Hutchinson, I had 4 kids walking and one in the oven waiting.  While that time was very hard to live through, I came out the other side stronger and did actually forge some friendships that I continue to this day.  

When I found this tattered, yellow index card on my desk, it suddenly took me back to those times!  And I began to reflect back on my life and friendships I have formed.  I am truly a blessed woman!  I can not count my true friends on one hand, but that is because there are so many.  I have received so much love from people that I rarely even think about that I am humbled.  How this skinny little girl from Strong Street can be so esteemed is more that I can fathom!

Just know this;  I could not have survived here in Pueblo, Colorado, without your help.  And I certainly felt all of the love these last couple of months.  (Has it only been 2 months?  It seems like an eternity!)  So, I am going to take this tattered, yellow index card and put it in a frame and put it up there on that shelf above the monitor where I can see it every day.  

I may not be able to categorize all my friends, but know that I love everyone of you.  You have all touched my world in some way.  I am a firm believer that if you let me cross your mind that you have sent me good vibes.  It is those things that make me want to get out of bed in the morning and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  It is all of you  who make me who I am and what I am today.

Peace, my friends!

Two things no one should ever eat.

 The first is a Gooseberry!  My mother-in-law, Leone Mercer had a Gooseberry patch in her back yard on Heisler Street.  When Bret and Shelly were wee little tykes I took them over there and they wandered out back and found the Gooseberry patch.  When I happened upon them they were actually eating them.  I had never encountered a Gooseberry, so I picked one and popped it in my mouth. OMG!  Those things were beyond sour.  I could feel the bottom of my brain stem rebelling!  Leone assured me that "made into a pie it is the best thing you will ever eat."  Some how, deep in my soul, I rather doubted that.

Regress back to 709 North Strong Street in Nickerson and an eight year old version of myself exploring my new home.  We had moved there from the Ailmore place and since dad was buying this house we were now homeowners.  Facing the house from the street on my right (which I learned later was the North side of the house) was a Walking Stick Cactus which would be a source of much pain.  Going on to the back fence was a row of elm trees, followed by a Mulberry Tree, more elm trees, and then a long row of Currant bushes.  Mother assured us that they were good to eat when they were ripe.

I spent many hours climbing the Mulberry tree and searching for a ripe one to eat because Mulberry is a very good treat as long as they are ripe.  The ones on the top ripen first and it is just a few days until the ones on top began to fall to the ground.  Now Mulberries are a deep purple when ripe and since we went barefooted all summer, my feet were also purple on the bottom.  If that was not enough to deter me, the news that Mother told Dad did give me pause.

"Ruben, those Mulberry have worms in them.  You have got to keep the kids out of them."  Well, I could not see the worms, so I just figured she was seeing things and continued my feast.  The mere fact that I am still here seventy years later makes me think she was either wrong, or they were damn little worms and did not hurt anything!

Ah, but the currants!  The currant bushes were in a row and the row was probably forty feet long.  Early in the spring little yellow flowers covered the bushes and we soon learned that little green berries about  a quarter inch in diameter would appear.  Of course I never was the patient type, so I picked one and ate it.  I guess I should say, I attempted to eat it!  My God those things were bitter!  I think I have a permanent pucker from those things.  The sad part is that as they ripened a little they got less bitter and as soon as they got fat and ripe, the birds swept in and harvested them!  As I recall, they were rather opaque when they were almost ready and then turned black when fully ripe, right before the Sparrows came in and ate them all!

There was a Peach tree that hung over the chicken house and I never was fast enough to get one of those either!  I did get one that was almost thinking about maybe getting ripe.  It was hard and not sweet at all and mother was right, it did give me a belly ache.  

And the Catalpa tree had beautiful white flowers and when the flowers dried up, a long bean came on and hung down.  Jake and I figured out that if we let the bean dry, we could light it up and smoke it.  Sadly I did not blow out the fire on the end of it when I took my big drag and sucked the burning fire into my mouth!  

I often wonder how I survived to adulthood!  But I did.  And the saddest part of all of this is that I look back on my childhood days as happy ones!  My idea of heaven is to go back to that little 2 bedroom shack on Strong Street, shinny up the Catalpa tree, watch a chicken lay an egg, and fly my kite over the cemetery with my brother.

Life was sure simple back then.

My very own Big Chief !

The kindness of my readers will never cease to amaze me!  Yesterday I heard the Fedex knock on the door which sounds much akin to a black limousine speeding past and throwing a body out the back door and into the street!  That has never really happened out here, but you know my imagination.  Those drivers and delivery people do not linger long.

Upon closer investigation I found a package on the milk crate.  Inside it was this:

Inside it was this: 

And for a closer look: There are 4 of those suckers!

Now some of you may remember that I wrote a blog on the Big Chief  tablets that I got for Christmas  back when I was 9 years old and how much I enjoyed the blank pages just waiting for me to fill them with my imagination.  Apparently Linda Kulp way up in Wyoming was listening!

Well, most of you know I have been through a rather rough spot and I want you all to know that the kindness shown by so many of my readers has touched me in a way this old tattered and leathered soul can not even begin to express and in ways I did not know was possible.  Beth Perry sent me a daily devotional that I read every day.  

I have had phone calls and notes from so many people.  Kind words over the phone with a simple "We are here for you" mean so much.  I will survive, but you all need to know this:  knowing that you are all out there and you all read or hear what I say means so much to me.  From California to Florida and Texas to Wyoming, I have the most empathetic and caring people in the world.  

Sometimes you may not agree with the words I write, but through this I do know one thing:  My readers are human and kind hearted people.  You may not be legion in number, but you are callosal in spirit!  Every day I get a little better and while I doubt that I will ever forget this experience, I will come through on the other side a better and stronger person not because of it, but in spite of it.

So thank you to all of you.  Know that I love everyone of you and some day soon, you will tap into this blog and I will make you laugh again, or at least smile.  Or better yet, remember the good old days when I made a trip to the outhouse in the middle of the night and had to wait with the door locked and huddled inside for daylight because I thought something in the dark was waiting to eat me!

I love everyone of you!  I thank God for giving you to me for just a few moments a day!  

I think my daughter said this but I always say, Momma said it best:  "What doesn't kill you will make you strong!"

  

Kansas Naval Air Station

 KNAS.  So, I am a little fussy on the years here, but I think it was back in the late 1950's that Hutchinson had the Kansas Naval Air Station located South of Hutch.  I was in High School and my graduation year was 1959, or at least that is what my class ring said.  Sadly, I knew all I needed to know by the middle of my Senior year and I dropped out.  I attended my Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior  year at Nickerson High School, go Wildcats!  Might not have been wildcats, but my memory says it was.

Now you may ask how this has anything to do with the Navy, but if you are patient, I will get there.  Now what was housed at the Naval Air Station?  Sailors!!  Now you must remember that at that juncture of my life I was a nubile teenage girl who had not sampled the forbidden pleasures of life and love.  Ah, but I had dreams!  And I had dreams because I had finally developed what appeared to be a bosom and I had heard the other girls talking.  I was not quite sure exactly what "Married Love" was, but I was pretty sure I wanted to be a beloved wife some day and that some man would sweep me off my feet and take me to paradise where I would live happily ever after.  

In the meantime, the sailors who were stationed at KNAS liked to come to our little town and cruise Main Street during our school lunch hour and try to pick up girls.  I was scared to death of men, but I gotta tell you those boys/men in those tight, white navy pants with two rows of dark navy blue buttons touched me and warmed the cockels of my heart!  The neighbor girls, Delores and Irene, were allowed to date, so they did.  Delores ended up marrying one named Smitty and moving back east some where.  Irene dated some guy and fell madly in love until he was "shipped out"  and she was left crying in the dust.

But the stage for my life was set by those boys in their white uniforms.  Army khaki and Air Force Blue meant nothing compared to Navy white.  Winter was Navy blue wool and the wool looked pretty itchy to me, so Spring and Fall we were good to go and my heart came to life, but Winter was verboten, which is kin to mauch's nix.

But my minds eye can still see the coupes, which were their chosen vehicle, and the sailors with their white hats cocked just so, cruising Main and hear the cat calls emitting from the vehicles.  Of course all the girls tee-heed and me right along with them. Sadly, I knew the sailors were off limits and if I was ready to start dating, I better hope that the one I picked was the geek with the glasses in my History  class.  And sadder yet, he was my cousin!  Since the Beck family had been the precursors to the Haas migration from Germany, most everyone was my cousin.  In order to carry on the family line and for Mother to make a decent wage, we had to move to Hutchinson for my Senior year.

That was also about the time that the Kansas Naval Air Station south of Hutchinson closed and the base was deserted.  A couple years later I married a guy who had just gotten out of the Army and returned from Germany.  Boy was that an exercise in futility.  The floors were wood and they had to be paste wax coated which meant I had to rent a buffer every time I cleaned the floor.  His Kahki pants had to be starched and the crease sharp and exact!  Of course the fact that he was just going to get drunk and spill stuff on them was entirely beside the point.  Oh, and the allegiance I held for the Navy must be replaced by the Army.  Charlie and Kenneth were both Marines. But guess what!  I finally got my sailor!

Anthony was in the Navy on board the USS Proteus, a sub-tender.  The motto was Prepared, Productive, Precise.  And he reflected that later in life as well.  He was stationed in Hawaii.  He was in Pearl Harbor, but it was after the bombing.  Of course that was many years before I met him.  There is a lot to be said for the twilight years, but right now it slips my mind that anything I come up with would be worth repeating.

I saw his white bell bottom pants.  Of course they did not fit him any more, but I did get to touch them and for a while I was back on the streets of Nickerson and the sailor boys were "cruising  Main".  I was still 17 years old with dreams of being a missionary.  I still could not look a man in the eye, but I could envision him with dark hair and soft brown eyes dressed in his Summer Whites.  I can hold my little sailor boy in my minds eye, but more importantly, in my heart.

And at this point in life, memories and dreams is about all we have, isn't it?

If I had known

 If I had known the last time I held you that it would be the last time, I would not have  let you go.  I would have hugged you tighter and I would have thanked God for letting me.

If I had known that the last time I talked to you on the phone was the last time I would hear your voice I would not have put the receiver back in the cradle.

If I had known that the trip to the Reservoir was the only one we would take I would still be standing on the bluff looking out at the water.

The Scrabble Board is dusty.

The kite remains folded.

The Sand Dunes are still waiting.

The Aspens have lost their leaves.

The sun still sets and the moon still rises.

The stars still twinkle and I am sure some where life goes on, but it is not here.  I look into the abyss that is my life and try to make meaning of it.  I put one foot in front of the other and I say the things I am expected to say, but the world is empty and space but a void.

I must search for a new meaning to life because, after all, I am a survivor.

Those are the words you're gonna have to eat!

" I don't love you anymore, I'm glad that we are through.

Those are the words that I said to you.

Take those words and coat with chocolate, make them sugar sweet.

Those are the words you're gonna have to eat."

I tried to find this song on youtube and ended up with a recipe for Buttercream Frosting.  While that was not my original intent, I needed that also.  Many years ago this was one of the songs Corky and I danced to at the Convention Hall Saturday night dances in Hutchinson, Kansas.  Some girl sang it and I can not remember who, but it is playing in my head as I type. 

But it is not the song that is important, nor who sang it 60 years ago when Corky was the love of my life and dancing my only passion, but rather the words.  "I don't love you any more, I'm glad that we are through.  Just what was it that I thought I saw in you?  Take those words and coat with chocolate, make them sugar sweet!  Those are the words that I'm gonna have to eat!"

Now Corky is a distant, although pleasant memory and his face has faded from my memory, but those  words are still in my head.  This past week has brought that song back to the forefront and made me rethink a lot of stuff.  As I watched our capitol was being invaded by men and women carrying the American flag and smashing anything in their way into the bowels of the building where government business was being conducted.  Windows were shattered and men and women elected by us, fled into hiding.  Democrat, Republican, Independent seemed to make no difference to this mob.  And as I watched I could not help but wonder where our leader was?

I do not need to tell you how that little scenario played out.  America is still standing.  The Captiol building is still standing.  You and I are enjoying the same freedoms we had before and Joe Biden will be sworn in on January 20th.  Nothing changed except now a whole bunch of people will be arrested and tried, hopefully for treason or at the very least treasonous acts of terrorism. A few people are dead and that is sad.  But let's go a step further and question what they thought would happen.

They did this supposedly because they loved America and wanted to own her.  Did they think if they got into the building that you and I would just say, "Oh look!  They are in there, now Donald Trump will still be president.  He will rule the United States and we will be his followers?"  Methinks these people should have listened when they were studying the government in school.  America is a Democracy ran for the people and by the people.  We elect our officials to do that so we do not have to go to Washington ourselves.  If we had wanted to keep trump we would have voted him back in for another 4 years, but we did not.

For many years, I was an Independent and was registered as such.  I voted for Reagan and Bush.  I voted for Kennedy.  I cast my vote for Jimmy Carter and learned that just because a man is a good Christian and loves his wife does not mean he will be a good President.   I am not vocal in my politics and as long as whomever is in charge is fair and honest, I am content.   I will not go into this any further, only know this:

America is strong and designed to stay that way.  It is called checks and balances and we use it every day in our daily lives.  It is sad that this had to happen as the whole world watched, but that is modern day communications.  I imagine Putin was laughing his ass off and cheering the rioters on while doing so, but I was very sad.  So I went to youtube and I found this https://youtu.be/EBjEjoAzdHE .

So rest in peace,  America, the good guys are still in charge and peace will prevail.  To the people that tried to bring her down, sorry.  You should have read the Bill of Rights and peeked at the Constitution.  The game is not "King of the Hill," it is called "Democracy!"