I remember back when I was young and starting my life as an adult. I was filled with hope and joy at the future ahead of me. I had a wonderful husband who loved me and our life would be complete if we had a child. Of course it must be a son. Nothing else would work. So after a year or so, I finally got pregnant. And then I had the baby. It was a girl, heaven forbid so we had to try again right away. My husband was adamant that the next one be a son. Whoops! foiled again. The third one was also a girl and by this time my loving husband was fed up with me and my failure to give him an heir. After much begging and pleading, he gave me one last chance. I was filled with gratitude at this magnanimous man and the kindness he showed me after 3 complete failures. This time I did it right! I gave him his son.
Of course that marriage went South like a fart in a whirlwind! Not even the birth of his son could save it. But then there was the divorce and then the brief reconciliation. And then the second divorce which was delayed a bit because I was busy giving birth to my 4th daughter. All of this is history and is not relevant to much of anything, except facts. And you do know that the facts as I remember them and how he remembers them are not necessarily the same. I was 3 years younger than him when we married, but he was 3 years younger then me in his latter years. Mother always said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the same goes with truth. One man's truth is another man's fantasy, much like one man's pleasure is another man's pain. But I digress.
One thing I have always held dear was life! I was invincible in my younger years and my zest for life was what kept my head above water when I was sinking in emotional pain. And I survived. And here I am today wondering just what in the hell all of that was about. My kids are grown and gone away and have kids and grandkids of their own. Mother, father, sisters, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends be damned. They are all gone. I try to look up the family tree and see someone above me and it just ain't happening. And it isn't just the people, every thing is different. I go to Nickerson and the house is gone. All the houses on Strong Street have been replaced. It is still pretty much a ghetto, but it was my ghetto. I go to Hutchinson, where I spent most of the time with the kids and that house is gone also along with the house next door.
And now I am in Pueblo, Colorado for the last 40 years. My in-laws are all gone except for one brother in law that I never see. My husband is gone and has been for almost 20 years. Where does this all end? All the pictures on my desk are pictures of the past. Two old grandma's, a mother and father on their wedding day, a brother as he was frozen in time in the 7th grade. What do people do when they get too old to be useful any more? Do they just wither away? I did the volunteering thing. Now what? Make cookies? Water the plants? How long does that take?
So I lay in my bed at night and go over what I have done and it looks like a pretty pathetic showing in the grand scheme of things. I remember a dark haired girl and the dreams she had of being a missionary. And I escape to that world. But then I wake up and I look down at my sleeve and I see, coming out of the sleeve, my mothers hand.
Of course that marriage went South like a fart in a whirlwind! Not even the birth of his son could save it. But then there was the divorce and then the brief reconciliation. And then the second divorce which was delayed a bit because I was busy giving birth to my 4th daughter. All of this is history and is not relevant to much of anything, except facts. And you do know that the facts as I remember them and how he remembers them are not necessarily the same. I was 3 years younger than him when we married, but he was 3 years younger then me in his latter years. Mother always said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the same goes with truth. One man's truth is another man's fantasy, much like one man's pleasure is another man's pain. But I digress.
One thing I have always held dear was life! I was invincible in my younger years and my zest for life was what kept my head above water when I was sinking in emotional pain. And I survived. And here I am today wondering just what in the hell all of that was about. My kids are grown and gone away and have kids and grandkids of their own. Mother, father, sisters, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends be damned. They are all gone. I try to look up the family tree and see someone above me and it just ain't happening. And it isn't just the people, every thing is different. I go to Nickerson and the house is gone. All the houses on Strong Street have been replaced. It is still pretty much a ghetto, but it was my ghetto. I go to Hutchinson, where I spent most of the time with the kids and that house is gone also along with the house next door.
And now I am in Pueblo, Colorado for the last 40 years. My in-laws are all gone except for one brother in law that I never see. My husband is gone and has been for almost 20 years. Where does this all end? All the pictures on my desk are pictures of the past. Two old grandma's, a mother and father on their wedding day, a brother as he was frozen in time in the 7th grade. What do people do when they get too old to be useful any more? Do they just wither away? I did the volunteering thing. Now what? Make cookies? Water the plants? How long does that take?
So I lay in my bed at night and go over what I have done and it looks like a pretty pathetic showing in the grand scheme of things. I remember a dark haired girl and the dreams she had of being a missionary. And I escape to that world. But then I wake up and I look down at my sleeve and I see, coming out of the sleeve, my mothers hand.
1 comment:
Wow !!! Don't know whether this should make me laugh or cry. What I do know is it makes me love you more than ever. Your eloquence and artistry blows me away. Wanted to see you today but my heartless heart dictated otherwise. I hope your day was a good one. Mine certainly was. We slept in, then enjoyed a yummy, healthy brunch (prepared by me, of course 😉.) Spent a lot of time tending my yard and garden plots. The beans are growing like my burgeoning waistline. The trellis for the snap peas is almost finished. I transplanted some of those beet sprouts throughout that bed because I'm told the peas will be finished by July and the beets can take over. I watered most of the beds in the garden. Dinner was Jimmy's job, and he grilled a NY strip steak with some flank that we marinated in a jamaican sauce, PLUS a bunch of Italian sausage. We shared a lovely bottle of red wine.I took a picture which I'll share on Facebook. I can't believe it's already after midnight. Must wrap this up. Do call me in the morning if you can. All love and aloha, always. Your friend, Michael McGuire. 💜🧡💜🧡
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