It has taken me 77 years, but finally I get it. My greatest failure in life has been the one that I thought was a virtue. I have failed in 6 marriages and God only knows how many relationships and never had a glimmer that any of those failures were really my fault, but they were. Today I am closing the door on all of those and adopting a new outlook on life. I have watched other women walk all over their husbands and lovers and brow beat them into submission. I have watched jealousy rear it's ugly head in those instances and watched as those same couples celebrated year after year. And here I set alone.
Today I am closing that door on another relationship that I thought was a friendship that would endure, but that is not happening. Why? Because I once more put my heart and soul into something that was not to be. I thought I was needed, but I wasn't. I was used. That is what I do best....I get used. I ask for nothing, hence I get nothing. Along with that relationship I am bidding farewell to a family member that no longer needs me.
You see, I am a trusting person. If you tell me something, I believe it. My word is my bond, hence, your word I took as your bond. I help you up and you return the favor. That works until I need a hand up, or an ear to listen, or a kind word. I realize I do have friends that are just that, but I keep remembering something mother told me. "You will have friends in your life, but if you can reach the end of your life and count all your friends on one hand, you are blessed." Right now, I am not feeling very blessed. I am feeling used.
The sad part is that the two people who have brought me to this point (realization) in my life will never know what a sad part they played in my decision unless some one draws them a picture. They do not read this blog. They do not know that I even have a vulnerable side, nor will they know it. I guess I was happiest when I volunteered at hospice. I was eleventh hour and I knew where my clients were in their journey. I was blessed to take many to the edge and over. I became a part of the family and for the most part I could walk back into their homes and I would be welcomed with open arms. I liked feeling like I had helped, but I do not do that anymore. My last client was my last and I will not do that again.
It hurts when I pour myself into something and get nothing in return, so I am not taking that chance again. I am sure I will go on helping people, but what I will not do is let my little heart become attached to any one or anything. Life is too short for that. So to my friends out there who have not handed me the short shaft, we are good. Not to worry, but the two that left me with this hole in my heart, just know that I am done. No more. If I see you on the street I will smile, but do not look into my eyes, because all you will see is an empty heart.
Today I am closing that door on another relationship that I thought was a friendship that would endure, but that is not happening. Why? Because I once more put my heart and soul into something that was not to be. I thought I was needed, but I wasn't. I was used. That is what I do best....I get used. I ask for nothing, hence I get nothing. Along with that relationship I am bidding farewell to a family member that no longer needs me.
You see, I am a trusting person. If you tell me something, I believe it. My word is my bond, hence, your word I took as your bond. I help you up and you return the favor. That works until I need a hand up, or an ear to listen, or a kind word. I realize I do have friends that are just that, but I keep remembering something mother told me. "You will have friends in your life, but if you can reach the end of your life and count all your friends on one hand, you are blessed." Right now, I am not feeling very blessed. I am feeling used.
The sad part is that the two people who have brought me to this point (realization) in my life will never know what a sad part they played in my decision unless some one draws them a picture. They do not read this blog. They do not know that I even have a vulnerable side, nor will they know it. I guess I was happiest when I volunteered at hospice. I was eleventh hour and I knew where my clients were in their journey. I was blessed to take many to the edge and over. I became a part of the family and for the most part I could walk back into their homes and I would be welcomed with open arms. I liked feeling like I had helped, but I do not do that anymore. My last client was my last and I will not do that again.
It hurts when I pour myself into something and get nothing in return, so I am not taking that chance again. I am sure I will go on helping people, but what I will not do is let my little heart become attached to any one or anything. Life is too short for that. So to my friends out there who have not handed me the short shaft, we are good. Not to worry, but the two that left me with this hole in my heart, just know that I am done. No more. If I see you on the street I will smile, but do not look into my eyes, because all you will see is an empty heart.
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