A mothers worst nightmare.

Raising 5 kids on my own was not an easy undertaking and came with a lot of lessons learned the hard way.  When I was very young Aunt Helen came to Nickerson and brought us kids all something.  This was her way of showing us she cared.  This one particular year, she paid my dues to the Brownies and bought me a Brownie dress and cap.  I was so proud, until I went to the first meeting and found a bunch of snobbish girls who did not care that I had the dress and cap, I was still from the wrong side of the tracks.  (This is a misnomer that I shall address at a future date.)



The girls were rude.  They were girls I went to school with and they were rude in school, so I do not know what I expected to change.  I never went back.  The dress, cap and pin were disposed of some where.  Mother did get the dues in cash.



Fast forward to many years later when I found myself newly divorced with 5 kids and several full and part time jobs.  Debbie was the oldest and must have been in the second grade or so when I enrolled her in the Brownies.  At the time I was just starting as Dinner Cook at the Red Carpet Restaurant  under the tutelage of  Bob Bailey.  My ex-sister in law, Rosie Seeger was my babysitter and it was summer.  Rosie lived in the south end and the restaurant was in the north end two miles away.



The Brownies first outing was a picnic on the Arkansas River in the southern part of Hutchinson.  A get acquainted sort of thing.  The leaders assured me that they would drop Debbie off at Rosies after the picnic, so off I went to work.  At 2:00 o’clock the phone rang and Rosie said Debbie had not been dropped off as promised.  I called the leader.  She informed me that she thought I must have picked Debbie up as she was not seen after they came up from the river.  My heart dropped!  Then I became angry.



“You said you would drop her off at the sitter.!”

“Yes, but I thought you must have picked her up!”



Words were exchanged as to her mental state and the police were called.  Bob covered for me and I raced to Rosies.  As luck would have it, the policeman in charge of the investigation was Ronnie Moore, who had been a classmate of mine in school.  He assured me that everything would be done to find Debbie and I should just set tight and he would keep me up to date on what was going on.



This was back in the day when the telephone was hooked to the wall and if you were expecting a call you needed to be near the phone.  I waited at Rosies because it was closer to the place where she was last seen and the other kids were there.   I had plenty of time to envision Debbie falling in the river, or some man grabbing her, or being hit by a car.  Since I did not know where she was I sure did not know where she wasn’t!  I could envision all sorts of things and none of them were good.  Do you realize how slowly time passes when you are waiting with a life in the balance?  All I knew was  that Debbie was missing.



Ronnie was my rock through that ordeal and I do not think I ever properly thanked him, nor did I ever see him again. 



It was about 3:30 when the phone rang and Bob explained to me that Debbie had just walked into the back of the restaurant looking for me.  She had walked all the way from the Arkansas River through the south end of Hutch to 13^th and Main which was probably 2 miles to find her mother!  I guess it was a good thing that I had taken them to the restaurant several times when I went to make bread on Sundays.  Otherwise she would not have known where the restaurant was.  She had walked past Rosies street, past  fifth street where we lived and found the place where mommy should be.  It seems her experience with the Brownie division of the Girl Scouts was about as warm and fuzzy as my experience all those years ago.



There is one thing I have learned from motherhood over the years and that is this:  Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs I will ever have.  There is no rule book.  Hind sight is better than foresight.  And no two kids are alike.  The psychology that works for one is wasted on another.  I earned every gray hair in my head at the hands of my children.  And lastly, while it does not pay very good wages every little success; every little “I love you mom” and the card on Mother’s Day; all are priceless. 


It is what it is.

Today is Tuesday, February 18.

It is the day before my oldest daughters birthday.  She will be 58 years old tomorrow and like me, does not care who knows her age because it is just a number.  I was 20 years old when she was born.  Her dad was not at the hospital, because back in those days most men left such jobs to their wives.  He did check in later to see if it was a boy or a girl.  Of course the fact that she was a girl was a big disappointment to him because he wanted a son.  Sadly he would be disappointed 2 more times before I was "woman enough to have a son."  He got drunk to cover his disappointment, but he did let me name them.  Debra Louann, Patricia Lynn, Dona Marie.  No particular thought to their names, just a name that popped into my head.

Back to Debbie.  When I brought her home, I had no idea what I would do with her.  I did have a bassinette for her to sleep in, a pile of cloth diapers, a diaper pail to wash the diapers in when she pooped.  I had bottles and a can of formula.  Also several baby t-shirt, pajamas, and several blankets.  I had a supply of glass baby bottles with rings and caps.  The bottles had to be washed and then sterilized in a special pan along with the wrings and caps.  As I recall, they were filled with formula and then once more run through the cycle to sterilize the formula inside.  She had to be washed with a special soap and God only knows what else.  Being a mother back then was a full time job.  Even the diapers had to be washed separately with special soap.  There was no time to enjoy being a mother, because if a germ touched her she would be dead and it would be my fault!

Of course her father never touched her and he sure as hell never changed a diaper, nor did he watch while I did that because it made him sick.  The door was for walking away and he did that quite often.  But, as I look back, I was the lucky one.  He never felt her soft warm breathe on his cheek.  He never felt her tiny fingers curl around his thumb.  He never experienced her first smile while looking into her eyes.  And her first word was "Momma".  She was a little white haired angel that would grow to be the "leader" as oldest kids often do.  Patricia Lynn was born 19 months later, but more about that when her birthday comes. (I plan on doing a blog for each one.) ((The best laid plans of mice and men oft times go awry.))

Today Debbie lives in Eastern Kansas on a 40 acre farm with her husband, Hammer.  "Hammer" is not  his legal name, but it is what I call him.  Few people call him Carl.  She and Hammer are raising 3 grandchildren.  These kids were born to her son who for whatever reason, does not take care of them, but that is a whole 'nuther story.

I have always thought, looking back, that I did not do a very good job of raising my kids.  We all know that life is 20/20 looking back.  I can now see very clearly what I should have done, but I can not get the toothpaste back in that tube.  Today Debbie put it in language I can understand.   This may not be word for word, but along these lines.

We had been rehashing the unfairness of wages for women working back when we were working.  The men we worked beside made twice as much as we did and while I was raising 5 kids that never came into play.  I worked beside men that made twice what I made because "they have families to take care of".  When I noted that I had a family to take care of also, I was told that I should get married.  That was at the Holiday Inn.  She had worked for her father and was paid half of what the men were paid.  It was just how it was back then.

Debbie has always held the belief that "What does not kill you will make you strong."  Today she told me that I did a good job raising her and that her grit and determination were instilled in her by me.  Not her father, but me.  I taught by example.  I am very proud of her for many reasons.  She champions the underdog.  She feeds the stray cats.  She instills responsibility in her grandkids.  She holds them to a higher standard, because that is who she is.

So, Debbie, Happy Birthday tomorrow.  Keep up the good work.  Always remember that whatever you do, someone is watching and if no one bothers to tell you that you are a wonderful woman, Mother knows.  I love you.

The wisdom of one younger and wiser than me.

  This is Hammer, me and my daughter Debbie.  If you look at us, it appears that she is a clone of me.  Spitting image of her mother!  And the interesting part of the whole thing is we think a lot alike and seem to have the same reasoning power.

I was talking to her the other day and I commented that she had the same reasoning powers that I did and she must have inherited them from me.  At that point she told me that many years ago she had come across a paper that someone had written and that the basic rules on that sheet of paper had kept her on a steady course for her life.  She read them to me and they sounded like something might have writtem back in my early life..We do not know who wrote them, but I would love to share with all of you.  She said her copy was covered with fly poop, grease spots and water marks, but she could still read it and agreed to send it to me.  Today it arrived in my mailbox and I copied it for you.  

RULES FOR BEING HUMAN        

Author unknown

1.      1.  You will receive a body.  You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2.       2.   You will learn lessons.  You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life.  Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons.  You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3.        3.  There are no mistakes, only lessons.  Growth is a process of trial and error:  experimentation.  The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately works.

4.        4.  lesson is repeated until learned.  A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it.  When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5.       5.  Learning lessons does not end.  There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons.  If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6.        6.  “THERE” is no better than “HERE”.  When you’re “THERE” has become a “HERE, you will simply obtain another “THERE” that will again look better than “HERE”.

7.       7.  Others are merely mirrors of you.  You cannot love or hate something about another person unless is reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8.       8.  What you make of your life is up to you.  You have all the tools and resources you need.  What you do with them is up to you.  The choice is yours.

9.      9.   Your answers lie inside you.  The answers to life’s questions lie inside you.  All you need do is look, listen and trust.

     10.  You will forget all this.

     11.   You can remember it whenever you want or need to.

      So thank you to Debbie Keisel for sending this to me so I can share it with others.  Who knows, we may make the world a better place if we try hard enough!

What is normal?

Recently I have had the occasion to wonder, what is normal?  What is not?  To me, 5'1" and 160 pounds is normal.  Not so to my 100 pound step daughter.  Getting up at 4:30 is normal and perfectly acceptable to me.  Not to my 23 year old grand daughter.  Spending 7-8 hours a day on my computer is "normal" to me, but I have friends and family members who are challenged to turn their computer on, if they even have one.  I talk to one daughter several times a week on the phone, another weekly, one monthly and one I have not spoken to in years.  Which of those scenarios is "normal?"
When I was raising my babies it was "normal" for me to work 2 and three jobs just to make ends meet.  Yet I know families where no one works.  To them it is "normal"  for some one else to "take care" of them.  I do not consume alcohol, but I know people who drink as a matter of course.  I don't buy or drink soda pop, but I know people who  drink it on a regular basis.
What I am trying to get to here, is what is normal?  Could it be that there is indeed, no "normal?"  When we were growing up back in Nickerson, it was much like being raised by the wind.  Mom worked cleaning houses.  Dad did not work.  Mom came home and cooked our supper, we ate and then mom ironed a basket of clothes for one of the ladies in town.  We went to bed.  We got up and did it all over again.  My Dad sometimes had a "hot toddy" for his "cold".  Sometimes he let us have a teaspoonful.  Usually not.  The woman at the end of the block kept an eye on the little kids for 50¢ a week.  (She liked to ride stick horses and the little kids would run behind her.)
We were very poor, but so was everyone else.  Poor was the "norm."  We moved to Hutch and fit right in with that society.  Mom was a secretary by that time.  She would later go on to waitress work which paid better then office work back then.   By that time us kids were all beginning to leave home.  Mary got married at 15, I got married, Dorothy got married, Donna drifted off to school, and Jake was Jake, and Josephine was divorced and remarried with her kids grown and gone.
I immediately had a nest full of kids and began travelling the state with my tree trimmer husband.  I remember back when I was raising kids, Ward and June Cleaver were raising kids at the same time as I was, but talk about a world of difference!   A two parent home!  Ward went to work and guided the children in the right direction.  He did not appear to drink or carouse.  That was the "normal" for June but  my "normal" was far different. 
And so it is now today.  I look back down the road of my past and I see a skinny little girl with bare feet picking her way down a road of shattered dreams, lost opportunities, broken hearts, dragging 5 little kids behind her to reach the ever elusive rainbow at the end.  I now stand at the precipice to what, I know not, and I ask myself, "Did I do it right?  Did I do the best I could?"  The answer is "no".  But I do know this, I did the best I could knowing what I knew then with the tools that were at my disposal. 
I got all my kids into the world of adulthood.  They are all functioning members of society.  True, they are no doubt scarred by their childhood, but aren't we all?  They all have a different perception of "mother, hearth and home," but don't we all?  If I could walk the road again and know what I know now, they would all have gone to college.  We would be a close knit family and we would vacation together and talk on the phone every day and be so happy.  But until some one figures out a way to live our lives in reverse, they will just have to live with an imperfect mother, but one that loved them all nonetheless.
So, I just got off the phone with the oldest daughter who reassures me that there is no such thing as normal and as for her childhood, when someone says,  "How are you ?"  she replies, "Mentally unstable, but I am very friendly."
So there it is in a nut shell!

Meet the oldest daughter, Debbie and her hubby, Hammer.

Son in law, Hammer and middle daughter, Dona

This is oldest, Debbie and second, Patty off to the right.

This is the littlest great grandson.

And here he is showing Grandma Lou how he can ride his bike!

This is the great grand daughter.  Girls are few and far between this generation!

This is the trap that hangs on her wall to keep grand kids under control!

This is the radio and it actually works!

Welcome to Longton, Kansas and the Bar HD or HD Bar ranch.  I forgot just what she said her brand was.  I know I have the HD part right.  Since they are retired bikers living the good live in Eastern Kansas, I thought HD was Harley- Davidson.  She was quick to tell me that it was Hammer and Debbie.  Might have been H Bar D.  That sounds good!  Crap!  Don't tell her I forgot.  And don't tell her I forgot how long she has been married either!  But I remember that day very well.

Here she came dragging in this giant of a man, hippie type, 2 tours in Viet Nam and what more could I expect out of life?  I had known him about 6 minutes when he said something and I asked him, "Man, are you frigging nuts!" To which he replied, "I sure am and I have the papers to prove it."  Probably the best son in law I ever had!  Devoted to Debbie.  When they decided to tie the knot they picked me up and the lady who ran the U Pump It and off we went to the court house.  I was Maid of Honor and Shirley Smith was Hammer's Best Man.  That is how we do things here in Colorado!  That had to of been over 20 years ago.

They kicked around as kids will do. They lived in Lakin, Kansas.  They moved to Guffy, Colorado.  Then they bought 40 acres on Eleven Mile Reservoir.  They built a cabin with just their two hands.  They went to Sturgis and I am hoping she kept her shirt on, and if she didn't I do not want to know about it.  They moved to Pueblo, then to Lakin.  They bought matching Harley's.I am not sure of the order of all this.  I am sure that they had several "I have fallen and I can't get up moments."  Then they found this little piece of Heaven called Longton, Kansas.

They got the house and 40 acres with a pond and wild Raspberries and the rest is history.  They have horses and I do not know why.  Sometimes they have a goat or a cow.  Look at her picture up there.  Click on it and make it big.  Who does that look like?  That girl is the spitting image of me in more ways than one.  She looks like me, she walks like me, she talks like me, but I think she can spit further than I can, cause I am out of practice.  She can out hunt, out fish, out track and out shoot most men I know.  She can gut a deer quicker than you can bat an eye!

She gets up at 5 AM and feeds the animals, works the land, cans the bounty and has never tackled a job she did not finish.  Her husband loves her, grand kids worship her, her friends adore her, her siblings look to her for validation.  How did I raise such a strong, independent woman?  How did she go from the first tiny baby I suckled to this survivalist, frontier woman?  Beats hell out of me!  I think she was just born with a mind of her own. Course her father might have had something to do with the hunting and that stuff. 

I know Hammer has another name, but I told you I would keep a few secrets.   So, daughter Debbie, know you have made your mother proud.  You were my first born and I think you were a learning process for me.  Hope the next one I had turns out as well.

Longton, Kansas, center of someone's universe.



 This is a tree growing out of a roof on a building at the end of Main Street!



This is looking down Main Street from some direction.

I be thinking this is the grocery store.

Now we are leaving town.  This barn is on Main Street!

This is the house on 5 lots with a garage my other daughter bought for $12,000.

  I have decided to let you meet my children.  This is about my daughter, Debbie.  She is the oldest.  Today I am going to introduce you to her fair city.  Tomorrow you will meet her and the grand kids.  Her grand kids, my great grand kids.

So this is Longton, Kansas, down in the Southeast corner of the state.  Just got off the phone with them and it rained there, while it was dumping snow all over me!  Today they had a little frost on the window. Now, a brief description of Longton and then a link so you can explore further if you like.

It was established in 1870, elevation 918 feet, and population dropped from 396 in 1980 to 389 in 1990.  Some body must have left town or a lot of them died.  The Cappers Weekly , if you remember that paper, was founded by the Capper Family and the Capper home still stands there to this day.

Longton is in a very lush, beautiful part of the state with gentle hillocks and oak trees in abundance.  Debbie is on 40 acres and has her own pond.  Unfortunately she also has Copperheads and other poison snakes which just scare the bejeepers out of me.  When you are headed for their house you better know where you are going because physical addresses mean nothing back in those hills.  And do not be surprised if you encounter an Armadillo running across the road.

I know people think Kansas is a flat, desert like place, but Longton is the exception to the rule.  It is very humid down there and I think if I were to leave Colorado it would be for somewhere like Longton.  Might buy that building with the tree growing out of the roof!  I would be close to my friend Ely May in Missouri and closer to Vi on over in West Plains.

So, see you tomorrow when you will meet my daughter Debbie and her husband, Hammer!  They are the biker survivalists in my family and if the world is going to end in 2012 I am headed for their house, snakes or no snakes.  So see you tomorrow!

Here is that link I promised you!
http://www.skyways.org/towns/Longton/index.html