I woke up at 4:10 this morning. That is not unusual. What is unusual was the emptiness I felt. Not emptiness of the soul, because I always have God with me. Always. I could not live if I did not. This emptiness is different. I guess I can only describe it as a lack of a life force. Now what that means can be a variety of things, but for me it seems to be the force that makes me want to face the day with a big smile and reach out and grab life with both hands. That is missing.
I opened the back door to find something I did not expect in the form of rain. Not just a sprinkle, but real rain falling and splashing on the back sidewalk. That is usually enough to pull me out of a funk, but not today. I put a turkey in the oven to bake, tidied the kitchen a bit and thought about this new phase of my thought process. Emptiness is not a feeling I like. So I will analyze it here and see if that helps.
I have friends; lots of friends. Or do I? Webster defines a friend as "1. a person attached to another by affection or regard. (Regard is defined as esteem or respect by the same dictionary.) 2. a patron; a supporter. 3. a person who is not hostile. 4. a member of the Society of Friends: a Quaker." Now I have a lot of the 1, 2, 3, and even a few 4. But I do not agree with his definition of "friend." To me, a friend is so much more.
My mother always told me that to "have a friend you have to be a friend." She also told me that if I could reach my golden years and count my true friends on one hand I was to consider myself blessed. So here I am looking back down the road of my life and it looks like a damn war zone. My best friend all through grade school was Barbara Hawk. I do not know what became of her. I remember when I was in high school, I had a friend named Carol Mason who had moved to California. She was going to give me a one way train ticket to San Diego for my graduation. That never happened.
Then I got married and had babies and divorces and lots of acquaintences, but few "friends". Gilbert Fields was my friend, but he died early on in the AIDS epidemic. He is the reason I am an activist today. ( I wonder if he ever checks in on me?)
Oh, there are a couple. Vi Luna and Evelyn Decker come to mind. I met them 50 years ago when I worked at the Red Carpet. I have not seen Vi for several years, but I do see Evelyn and talk to her regularly. She was out this summer. So, let's see, that is 2. And then there is Shirley Bagbey. Shirley lived out here in the county and then moved to Kansas City 7 years ago. Now she is back and we talk every day and do "stuff." That makes 3. I consider all my kids as friends, but technically they are family, so they go in that category. There is a man in my life who is sort of boyfriend, kind of a friend and more like family, but not really.
I guess maybe I am expecting too much out of life. Maybe I should not take life so seriously. It is all an illusion anyway, or at least that is how it appears to me. I suppose it is the getting old that bothers me. I had such high hopes when I was young and even into middle age. I was optimistic enough back then to adopt a 7 year old kid when I was 50 years old. I look at the world around me and I hear the rumblings that they will have a pill someday that will keep us alive forever. Sorry, but that sounds like pure hell to me.
Somewhere I am remembering "Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his friends." That may not be accurate, but it sounds good to me. I want a friend like that.
So, I guess I will go open the kitchen window and listen to the rain. The sun should come up pretty soon and the day will grab me and suck me dry. Life has a way of doing that!
I opened the back door to find something I did not expect in the form of rain. Not just a sprinkle, but real rain falling and splashing on the back sidewalk. That is usually enough to pull me out of a funk, but not today. I put a turkey in the oven to bake, tidied the kitchen a bit and thought about this new phase of my thought process. Emptiness is not a feeling I like. So I will analyze it here and see if that helps.
I have friends; lots of friends. Or do I? Webster defines a friend as "1. a person attached to another by affection or regard. (Regard is defined as esteem or respect by the same dictionary.) 2. a patron; a supporter. 3. a person who is not hostile. 4. a member of the Society of Friends: a Quaker." Now I have a lot of the 1, 2, 3, and even a few 4. But I do not agree with his definition of "friend." To me, a friend is so much more.
My mother always told me that to "have a friend you have to be a friend." She also told me that if I could reach my golden years and count my true friends on one hand I was to consider myself blessed. So here I am looking back down the road of my life and it looks like a damn war zone. My best friend all through grade school was Barbara Hawk. I do not know what became of her. I remember when I was in high school, I had a friend named Carol Mason who had moved to California. She was going to give me a one way train ticket to San Diego for my graduation. That never happened.
Then I got married and had babies and divorces and lots of acquaintences, but few "friends". Gilbert Fields was my friend, but he died early on in the AIDS epidemic. He is the reason I am an activist today. ( I wonder if he ever checks in on me?)
Oh, there are a couple. Vi Luna and Evelyn Decker come to mind. I met them 50 years ago when I worked at the Red Carpet. I have not seen Vi for several years, but I do see Evelyn and talk to her regularly. She was out this summer. So, let's see, that is 2. And then there is Shirley Bagbey. Shirley lived out here in the county and then moved to Kansas City 7 years ago. Now she is back and we talk every day and do "stuff." That makes 3. I consider all my kids as friends, but technically they are family, so they go in that category. There is a man in my life who is sort of boyfriend, kind of a friend and more like family, but not really.
I guess maybe I am expecting too much out of life. Maybe I should not take life so seriously. It is all an illusion anyway, or at least that is how it appears to me. I suppose it is the getting old that bothers me. I had such high hopes when I was young and even into middle age. I was optimistic enough back then to adopt a 7 year old kid when I was 50 years old. I look at the world around me and I hear the rumblings that they will have a pill someday that will keep us alive forever. Sorry, but that sounds like pure hell to me.
Somewhere I am remembering "Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his friends." That may not be accurate, but it sounds good to me. I want a friend like that.
So, I guess I will go open the kitchen window and listen to the rain. The sun should come up pretty soon and the day will grab me and suck me dry. Life has a way of doing that!
