Do you remember that song that goes "Yesterday, when I was young, and the taste of life was sweet, like rain upon my tongue."? I can hear it playing in my head, but the words do not jell any more. This is like so many other things in my life that have gone awry.
I remember when beer bottles had screw on caps and sometimes they were a little hard to grasp and that is why God gave us teeth; to open bottle caps! Alas, those days are over and gone. Well, actually, so are the teeth. I think I used to have 32, but that number is slowly dwindling. Granted, four of them were wisdom teeth which never fit anyway, but nonetheless, they were there. Unfortunately the caps that were so easily removed with my super powerful jaws have now been replaced by caps devised by a mad scientist. The first thing I need to do is read the "how to remove cap" instructions printed on the miniscule cap. Well, the very first thing I have to do is find the magnifying glass so I can SEE the instructions. Ok, here we go!
To remove cap grasp bottle firmly. Push down on cap while twisting counterclockwise. You may need to exert extra pressure. Now, we are dealing with a prescription bottle with a cap that is maybe an inch across. My fingers quit bending that far many years back, but I am game to try. So I grasp the bottle firmly in my left hand. I press my right hand onto the cap. Everything is plastic and of course my hands are sweaty in anticipation of this chore. Ok, push down and twist counterclockwise. I am assuming the cap goes counterclockwise; not the bottle. And in a perfect world, something would turn and something would open. Hell, maybe I was supposed to turn myself counterclockwise. So, I try again. Once more with feeling! So this time I grasp the bottle in my right hand with the cap in my left. Counterclockwise should still be the same direction. I recall life lessons that say "Lefty loosey, righty tighty." Sounds great in theory.
By this time I have worked up a sweat and wonder if I really need these blood pressure pills open at all. Surely some one will stop by later today and they will open them for me. This leads me to remember all the things I need open, like the jar of pickles, the bottle of lavendar cleaner, and that bottle of aphid killer that I threw across the fence in total frustration. What has my life become? I can not even try to catch the rain on my tongue anymore, because I might catch pneumonia instead.
And all this brings me to the crux of the matter. I am getting old. Not only are my fingers stiff and my teeth gone, even words take on new meaning. Like colon is no longer a punctuation mark, it is now something inside me to be babied and cleansed on a regular basis. Will no longer means determination, it is something I have to make and file with the court or when I go toes up the state of Colorado will be my beneficiary! Friends and family are no longer just people to be cherished, they are to be feared and revered and do not tick them off or they will not come to my funeral. (I do not want to be the only one there!) Walker is no longer someone I meet on the path, it is what holds me up. Depends is not an act you perform when counting on someone to do something, it is now a noun to replace "string bikini or thong."
And I could go on all day, but I can't because I want to make a cake and I have got to get that new bottle of vanilla open. Think I will take it down to the Senior Center and make that our challenge for the day! Please do not laugh at this because one of these days you are going to be wanting to taste the rain only to find that it is now acid rain and you want no part of that!
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I remember when beer bottles had screw on caps and sometimes they were a little hard to grasp and that is why God gave us teeth; to open bottle caps! Alas, those days are over and gone. Well, actually, so are the teeth. I think I used to have 32, but that number is slowly dwindling. Granted, four of them were wisdom teeth which never fit anyway, but nonetheless, they were there. Unfortunately the caps that were so easily removed with my super powerful jaws have now been replaced by caps devised by a mad scientist. The first thing I need to do is read the "how to remove cap" instructions printed on the miniscule cap. Well, the very first thing I have to do is find the magnifying glass so I can SEE the instructions. Ok, here we go!
To remove cap grasp bottle firmly. Push down on cap while twisting counterclockwise. You may need to exert extra pressure. Now, we are dealing with a prescription bottle with a cap that is maybe an inch across. My fingers quit bending that far many years back, but I am game to try. So I grasp the bottle firmly in my left hand. I press my right hand onto the cap. Everything is plastic and of course my hands are sweaty in anticipation of this chore. Ok, push down and twist counterclockwise. I am assuming the cap goes counterclockwise; not the bottle. And in a perfect world, something would turn and something would open. Hell, maybe I was supposed to turn myself counterclockwise. So, I try again. Once more with feeling! So this time I grasp the bottle in my right hand with the cap in my left. Counterclockwise should still be the same direction. I recall life lessons that say "Lefty loosey, righty tighty." Sounds great in theory.
By this time I have worked up a sweat and wonder if I really need these blood pressure pills open at all. Surely some one will stop by later today and they will open them for me. This leads me to remember all the things I need open, like the jar of pickles, the bottle of lavendar cleaner, and that bottle of aphid killer that I threw across the fence in total frustration. What has my life become? I can not even try to catch the rain on my tongue anymore, because I might catch pneumonia instead.
And all this brings me to the crux of the matter. I am getting old. Not only are my fingers stiff and my teeth gone, even words take on new meaning. Like colon is no longer a punctuation mark, it is now something inside me to be babied and cleansed on a regular basis. Will no longer means determination, it is something I have to make and file with the court or when I go toes up the state of Colorado will be my beneficiary! Friends and family are no longer just people to be cherished, they are to be feared and revered and do not tick them off or they will not come to my funeral. (I do not want to be the only one there!) Walker is no longer someone I meet on the path, it is what holds me up. Depends is not an act you perform when counting on someone to do something, it is now a noun to replace "string bikini or thong."
And I could go on all day, but I can't because I want to make a cake and I have got to get that new bottle of vanilla open. Think I will take it down to the Senior Center and make that our challenge for the day! Please do not laugh at this because one of these days you are going to be wanting to taste the rain only to find that it is now acid rain and you want no part of that!
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