Twenty-seven years ago today.

Twenty-seven years ago today it was 15 degrees below zero.  There was snow on the ground and the drive line was out on one of our trucks.  Bet you think I  have total recall?  No, just some days I can actually remember better than others.

You see, at that time I was a living in sin with a man and had been for over a year.  I do not have a very good track record with the men, you know.  Seems to me that the quickest way to turn one of those fellows from a saint to a raging lunatic is to slip a ring on that third finger, left hand.  This guy was perfect.  We had the same sense of humor, same goals in life, both loved to fish, I liked his kids, they tolerated me, my kids liked him and so there was just one problem.  Could this match that seemed made in heaven remain so if it were on a 24/7 basis.

Our solution was to live together for one year and if at the end of that year we still felt the same, we would do the deed, so to speak.  So we found this little place back here on a back acre with a huge garage.  House was nothing to write home about and was in fact, not finished.  They had put a door on the bathroom and that was it for the inside.  They were getting a divorce and the price was right.  But the best part was a huge two story garage in the back that was a trucker's dream.  So we combined his house and mine into one household and set up housekeeping.

Now, I need to tell you this one little thing, Kenny was not near as liberal minded as I was.  He did not like Mexicans, Negroes, or Gays.  Well, it seems I had all those in my family and he tolerated them well.   OOPS! His daughter divorced her white guy and married an Indian!  Well, by now we were looking like the United Nations around here.  Dinner at our house on holidays looked like Calico Bean Soup!

So on December 23, 1983 we were working an Eby pipeline job down the center of Prairie.  The job was shut down for the holidays.  One of our tandems had broken a drive line so Kenny and Gene Baugh had taken it out the day before and dropped it off to be rebuilt at Pueblo Brake and Clutch.  December 23 they went to Pueblo Brake and Clutch to pick it up and they were closed for their Christmas party!  It being 15 degrees below zero the little guys decided to call it a day.  Gene went home and Kenny came in the house.  I can never forget that romantic little fellow that day.

He walked in, looked at me and said,( and this is a direct quote ) "Well, let's go get this shittin' mess over with!"  Now how could a woman of my stature resist  a proposal like that!

Luckily I had a new pair of jeans and his were passable.  So off we went to Canon City, thirty five miles west of here.  Now why we did not just go to town is more than I can figure out, but Canon it was.  We picked up our license and were referred to a Senior Citizen assisted living place somewhere and assured we could find a minister there.  We did.    The minister told us to come back at 4:00 and he would be ready.  So we went and got a doughnut at the doughnut shop and returned at the appointed time.

As you know, at that time we needed 2 witnesses.  His wife was bedridden and we had to poke our head around the corner so she could see us before she would sign.  The second one was somebody wandering the halls and we never laid eyes on her.  But by then the ceremony (?) was complete, we paid our fee and came home.  Do not remember the ministers name, where we were or any of the particulars, but I know it was cold!  We came home and found a bottle of wine on the kitchen table.  Seems Gene had figured out what we were up to that cold day!  I might add that several months later we asked Gene if he would like to have a glass since it had not been opened yet and his reply was (another direct quote) "Oh shit!  If I knew I had to drink it I would have gotten the good stuff!"

We did finally talk a son-in-law (since replaced) into doing it for us.  He shook it up, popped the cork and shot me in the head with it.  Gotta' love these kids!

And to any one who wonders if it was worth it all, it sure was.  Those twenty years were what made me the woman I am today.  Kenny Mercer was the person in my life who reached inside me and brought out the good.  He was the man who gave me the self esteem to say "Yes, I can!"  He gave me a home and security and the means to be independent.  He gave me common sense to make the right decisions on this road alone.  He was not much of a church going guy, but he went with me lot.  Pastor Faye baptised him.

Now, I do need to tell you this.  He did not do all the teaching.  As time went by my bigoted, racist, Republican husband became an open and affirming member of society.  He was the first to jump on the band wagon for gay rights,
the first to defend the migrant population, and his grand kids were the greatest things on earth what ever color they were.  He went from being a staunch Republican to being an Independent and bless his little Democratic heart when it stopped beating.

So that is my tale.  Life for me this time of year gets a little melancholy, but I think Garth Brooks says it all in his song, part of which says something like this, "Some things are better left to chance, I could have missed it all, but I'd a had to miss The Dance!"
 
That part of the dance is over.  Not forgotten and the strains of the music still play in my head, and I fully expect to hear it when I waltz off the edge of this realm and into that great beyond.  I have the belief that life is meant to be just that! Do not light your candle and hide it under a bushel!  Put it on a hill where the whole world can benefit from your light.  I learned that in Sunday school more years ago then I care to remember.  That and "Life goes on."

The potato is growing! Better hurry!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180601681132&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT

See that link right there?  That is for the hottest item on eBay today and time is running out!  Anyone who knows me also knows my passion for the Southern Colorado AIDS Project.  I thought I would like a little potato soup and here was this little fellow, just begging to be picked.

This guy is sprouting so I can not guarantee anything except that it is a potato.  It is injured as all of our hearts are at one time or another.  Why am I telling you this?  Go see this prize for yourself and somebody better get to bidding.

I am going to have an auction a month and lord only knows what will turn up next!

Oh, look at what day it is!!! I did it again. Curses!

Curses!! Foiled again!  Today is December 17.  In one week is Christmas and at least the tree is up.  Only because Bret and Amanda drug it out of the box, hit it a lick with the air compressor and ran around it with a string of lights.  Now I distinctly remember last year swearing that this would not happen this year. And yet here I am and the only thing under that tree is a brown box and in the box is Bret's birthday present, which is tomorrow!  Now the birthday is covered.  They got paid yesterday and when they went grocery shopping they brought home a chocolate cake laden with chocolate frosting and swirls.  My God!  I can hear my arteries slamming shut thinking about that thing!  But there it is.  When the boy turns 19 the mother/birthday party, per se, is a thing of the past.  Oh, damn good thing!

Now back to this dilemma of the Christmas that has once more crept up on me.  I do not know how it does this year after year.  And of course my back has chosen this time to have one of it's little spasming drop me to my knees three times a day spells that it has on occasions when I am unduly stressed. So, I got to think here.

First stop will be Vitamin Cottage.  They had burlap Eco bags out there with heavy rope handles.  I bought 2 so I need to go back and buy 14 more of those bags.  Then 16 pounds of mixed beans at Mauro Farms.  Dig out 16 quart jars and 16 pint jars.  32 towels. Soap, lotion and body butter with a couple Lip balms and that takes care of the immediate big kids.  Then the 20 smaller grand kids and great grand kids I will make glycerin soap with a $5 bill inside.  That only leaves 7 odd sized kids to do for.  Big kids always appreciate the soap and stuff and let's face it, you can not buy anything this good anywhere but my house!

Oh, then comes my menagerie of token friends who get just a tiny love gift.  One year I donated a flock of chickens to Heifer International for  all the adults and they looked at me like I was nuts.  I felt good though and some body somewhere got an egg out of the deal! 

OK, I can see that I do not have time to set here and gas on this thing.  Oh, crap!  Now it is snowing.  Now I will have to drive very carefully so I do not slip into someone.  Can not put this off.  I am on a mission!  Now, next year, I am definitely going to be prepared.  Do not paint me the procrastinator just yet.  Where there is life, there is hope.


This is my new shopping network.  Let me know if it works!http://www.biggestshoppingstore.com/?a_aid=1880

It can only happen in Pueblo, Colorado.

I had forgotten about this until just now.  A week or so ago John, Linda and I went to the Chinese Restaurant to eat.  Nothing new and startling about that, at least not until the bill came.  As you know it is almost always accompanied by a fortune cookie.  They are fun little things to read and can usually elicit a chuckle at the very least.  Some of them even try to teach you a word of Chinese in the process.  Not so in this particular restaurant.

On the one side was what ever it said for the fortune and on the back it was repeated in Spanish.  Now luckily John is a Spanish speaking fellow, or sort of anyway.  He can interpret , but does not actually speak it.  He said it was a literal translation.  So I am a wondering how this Spanish fortune cookie ended up on our table.  In our usual haphazard fashion we managed to exit the place leaving the Spanish fortune cookies crumbled on the table and the fortunes were among our litter. 

Just wondered if any of you had ever had anything like that happen to you in your neck of the woods.

No Disneyland for my kids and they survived!

I was downstairs just now pinning a quilt in the quilter and had one of my epiphany's.  I just love that word!  So, anyway, I had the television on and heard the announcer say something about a trip to Disneyland for some little kids who were very ill.  It was then I thought how nice that was that the little kiddies can go there and have fun.  Flash back to my children.  I raised five of those suckers and never even thought about Disneyland.  Assuming it had been invented at the time.

But we have to go back further.  All my children were fathered by my first husband, the drop dead gorgeous German guy who thought Hitler was the smartest man that ever lived.  I have always had an infinity for the German guys, but Hitler was so wrong!   My roots go back to the Black Forest and the Erms, so I think that is where that comes from.  Well anyway, after 11 years we decided to split everything in half and call it a bad experience.  So I walked out with a 1957 Chevy and 5 kids.  He got the tree business and his freedom.  Seemed fair to me.  When it came time for child support, he explained to me that he did not want the divorce, so he should not have to pay alimony or child support.  That made sense to me, so that is how it stood.  Back in those days you could do that.

Now understand this, when I struck out on my own with 5 kids to take care of, I did not have a high school diploma and knew how to do jack as far as supporting myself went.  Ever hear the saying "Ignorance is bliss?"  Very true in my case.  I got a job waiting tables.  I then went to work at the Red Carpet Restaurant as a short order cook, moved up to head cook and then manager.  Had a disagreement with the boss so went across town and bought my own place. The rest is history.  Got married, got divorced, got married, moved to Colorado, got divorced, got married, got divorced, got married, got widowed and here I am.  But I digress. 

I look back on raising the kids there in Hutchinson, Kansas and wonder just what kind of mother I really was.   I know I never took them to Disneyland, but I did take them fishing!  Every Sunday in the summer we would go by a place on Second Street and pick up 6 hamburgers and french fries for $1.00.  Name of the place was  B & D Carryout.  We then headed out to the Arkansas River, or behind the Bible Camp on Cow Creek. Once we went to Dodge's Sand Pit and I caught a very big Channel Cat.  Put it in the freezer and the kids fed it to the cats.  So, here is the question I have for you.  Today all my kids love to fish.  I think even Sam thinks about it sometimes.  Now had I taken them to Disneyland would that have made an impression on them  in a very lasting way?

I look back on those years and know that had I been depositing the child support check instead of the check from my second and third jobs I might have been able to give the kids more, but would that have made me a better mother?  Their dad took them on vacations.  He came and spent time with them.  They went to his home in Garden City and stayed sometimes and as they grew older spent more time with him.  We never pushed and pulled the kids.  Just told them when they got older they would understand and I think they pretty much do now.  They are all successful in one way or another. 

Sam put himself through college and is financially successful.  Dona put herself through Cosmetology School and has her own shop in Lakin.  Patty is retired from the Library.  Debbie is a survivalist in eastern Kansas and could build you a house from tin cans!  Sue is here in town and is self sufficient.  There are all honest, tax paying,  hard working, caring, self sufficient human beings.  They all love me as their mother and while Dad has been gone for many years, I still see  shades of him in all of them.

So, did they miss out by not going to Disneyland?  Or, and I just thought of this, maybe they went!  Maybe their dad took them.  I guess I never really asked them!  The point I am getting to, and I always have one you know, is this, I did the best I could with the tools and the knowledge I had at that time.  It is always easy to look back and see how it should have been done.  I sometimes wonder if I knew way back then, what I know now, just how my life would have played out on the big screen?  I should not have ever married the first one, but then I would have no kids.  Don't want that.    Everything and everyone that has touched my life, however briefly,  has made me exactly who I am today.  So if you love me today, you have to love the past that brought me to this point.

Don't ask me for all my little dark secrets, cause I have forgotten most of them.  Can't get the toothpaste back in the tube and not sure I want to try.  Just know that I will love each and everyone of you just exactly as you are with all your idiosyncrasies and I ask that you make me the same deal.  When you look at Lou, what you see is what you get!  I may come with baggage, but I carry it well!

This was last year's Christmas Tree!

Now even I have to admit that is a sad sight for a Christmas Tree!  That was last year and this year is shaping up to be a little bit better.  This poor dead tree is laying out by the trash barrel and is well on it's way to becoming compost!  Bret and Amanda have the big tree up over there where the treadmill is so we are good to go.  Course if someone hits the button the tree is going to shoot out through the front window.

Today would have been Kenny's birthday, had he hung around, but we know he did not.  Being a widow pretty much sucks if you want to know the truth of the whole matter.  Divorces are so cathartic!  Mother always told me, when I was ranting and raving  about something one of the idiot husbands had done to bring about the latest divorce, "If you are ever a widow your husband will take on sainthood."  Mothers are always right!  I do not understand that, though, because I am a mother and I am not always right!  I digress.

I have been alone 7 years.  That is a long time.  From Thanksgiving until the end of January, I pretty much stay in a funk.  I had lunch yesterday with a minister friend and he was telling me how lackadaisical he has been the last few weeks.  We talked a bit and then he mentioned his mother had been gone just one year.  I then explained to him how the grief cycle works.  Anniversaries are just that.  We may not even realize, but when we put our finger on it, we know.

So does life go on?  Sure it does.  We mark one month, then one year, then 5 years, and so it goes.  What is our alternative?  There is none.  Do our memories become less acute?  Sure they do.  What was raw emotion fades to a dull ache and that eventually turns into just another day.  Another page on the calendar and just another day to get through.  Sometimes I actually think I am going to be happy again, someday.  For now it will just have to do that the Christmas Tree is up and I think it is pretty.  I will spend more time in church this season and do a little more volunteer work.  I am actually going to Colorado Springs for the volunteer party at SCAP.  Never did that before, but Linda is insisting on it this time.

So as we enter this Holy Season, I want to tell you Merry Christmas way early.  I will miss Kenny this year, but I miss him every day anyway.  I think all the little fellow ever wanted was for me to be happy, so after seven long years I am going to work on that and it is going to start this Christmas.  I have friends and family.  I have people who love me and need me and if I can spread the cheer, that is what it is all about.  And remember,

Jesus is the reason for the season!

Icarus at work!

 This is Icarus!  This is my calico cat that loves me to distraction!  It is about 5:00 AM and we just got up a little bit ago.  See, what you do not know, and can not see because I can not take a picture of us in bed is that I sleep on my side and she sleeps on my shoulder!  At some point I will wake up enough to push her off my arm.  She then puts her nose against my nose and gives me tiny licks. It is at this point I remember where that tongue has been and cover my head up.  She will then content herself with laying with both front paws on my hands and we drift off again.

Now I know you people out there are wise in the ways of the world as well as the workings of the feline creatures we call our friends.  And indeed, they are our friends!  Icarus does not go out and catch mice simply to be catching a mouse.  She knows I am incapable of catching one, so she does it for me. 
She  loves me!  Now I have told you the sleeping arrangements here, so tell me this......what goes on while I am sleeping?  I can only hope she does not think I want dinner when I am laying there with my mouth agape snoring.  That could be a very rude awakening.  And she does not know that I have never eaten a centipede!  I am afraid to tell her for fear she will misinterpret that as meaning I am feeling adventurous and might like to munch on one! 

 Now you see her reading her notebook here.  How she gets in that little hole between the monitor and all my very important notes I wish I knew!  The modem is back there and apparently she knows that I need to leave that plugged in so she leaves it alone.  The cursor catches her attention fairly easily as does the letters marching across the screen.  She puts her nose right on the screen and I can come up with some interesting writing if one finger wanders.  I tell myself she is reading what I write!  I am very glad I kicked in the extra money for the larger monitor so she could see better!

I came home the other night after dark and saw two sets of eyes out by the duck house.  You know how big those eyes look in your headlights!  I thought it was a couple mountain lions, but it turned out Icarus had a friend over to scout out the place.  It was the neighbors calico, so she is keeping good company!  She goes out to the fowl house with me every morning and evening when I do chores.  One morning she thought she might like to sneak up on one of the ducks.  Goosey Gander seen her and came up behind her!  When Icarus spotted him she shot about 8 feet straight up in the air!  Never have a camera when I need it most!

Now I will give you a few facts and then get out of here.  Calico cats are to the best of my knowledge always female.  Cats are very clean animals especially when you take into consideration that they go in their litter box for their toilette, walk across it and then proceed to lick there feet.  Then they want to come and kiss us.  Cats can be devoted to us and still remain completely independent.  Most aloof animals on the face of God's green earth.  While cats and dogs seem to be mortal enemies, mine will all sleep on the same pillow.  Icarus got her bluff in early!

I do know the name Icarus comes from a Greek God or something of the male persuasion and was someone that flew to close to the sun and melted his wings.  She was actually named by a "person of interest" who is no longer in my life, but I left her named Icarus just to remind me of why he is no longer in my life!  So, I am out of here, but on my way out the door, I want to share with you what someone shared with me.....

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king!

Just think about that!