Looking back.....

 Looking back at my life I can see clearly now!  All the things I should have done as opposed to the things I actually did.  My very clear looking back memory show me setting in the church office with the Reverend Rush J. Barnett.  His wife, Genevive and daughter, June bug were some where in the house, but I was in the office talking about my future.  Reverend Barnett was preacher at the First Christian Church in Nickerson, Kansas.  It was one of three churches.  There was the Baptist Church and the Methodist Church.  There were no other churches.  No Catholic Church.

Anyway, I was 16 years old and we were discussing my future as a missionary in Africa.  As soon as I was 18 years old, I could begin the firm plans as to education and all that stuff.  It would be a non paying job, but at 15, I did not need money.  A little food and the clothes on my back.  The church would be responsible for all my travel and I had no other needs at that point in my life. Ah, but the best laid plans of mice and men oft' times go awry!  Not sure I know where I picked that up, but alas it is the God's truth if it were ever written.  Reverend Rush J.Barnett along with his wife and precious baby were transferred "back east."

His replacement was there within a month.  Reverend Johnson and his wife, whatever her name was and his pimply faced son moved into the parsonage.  I do not remember the son's name, only that he was creepy and had a bad case of acne.  Dreams of Africa were laughed out of my head by this new preacher.  Mother finished her schooling, and it was not long after that we made the move from Nickerson, Kansas, population1009 people to Hutchinson, Kansas, population 29,000.  We never traveled back to Nickerson, though it was only 12 miles.  We never bothered finding another church.  I never bothered dating either.  I did not seem to really fit in anywhere, so I took up drinking.  I had a friend whose father made home brew.  Since he was rarely home, we had free rein on the liquor cabinet.

I dropped out of school my senior year, fell in love shortly thereafter.  We were married 3 weeks later and began the life of moving from town to town with my husband working as a tree trimmer.  Our home was usually a furnished apartment in a town where Duane worked until the tree jobs ran out.  Then we would throw our meager belongings in the car and move on to the next town.  It was life as we lived it and being young and in love it worked for us.

Or it did until he decided he wanted to have a baby.  I thought a home first was the order of the day, but not in his world.  I pictured a vine covered cottage with a baby on the floor and he pictured something else.  I was never sure just what he had in mind for security.  I was pretty sure of one thing, if I was going to have a baby there was going to be a doctor and a hospital somewhere in the picture. And there was.  We were two novices at the business of building a home and family with no tools whatsoever, and no guidance from anyone.  But we did it.  We managed to have 5 of those little babies and they have all grown and gone now. He wanted to build an empire for his kids.  That was his dream. 

But I want to tell you that we ended up with 4 girls and one boy.  They are all functioning members of society.  They all pay taxes and most of them vote.  They may actually all vote.  I can not tell you if they are Republicans or Democrats, but I would bet most of them are Independent.  Mother was a fire breathing, Rush Limbaugh following Republican.  I am Independent.  Mom and I never really discussed politics.  I paid for her subscription to Limbaugh's newsletter, but I never read it.

Now, I am the mother.  I am the Matriarch!  My momma told me that.  The Patriarch died many years ago.  He is gone, but he is not forgotten.  60 years ago Lucy and Duansie built the framework of the Seeger Empire.  After we divorced and he built his home in Western Kansas we thought about reconcilling, but that was not to be.  We were now two completely different souls. Several years later we met some where and I asked him, "Well Duane, how is the Seeger Empire nowadays?"  Without missing a beat he replied, "The Seeger Empire is a tad bit shaky!"

But it was his dream and he lived it.  I am glad I was there for part of it anyway.  Humble beginnings is what life is all about.

Fly high, my first love!  We are leaving a legacy in the five kind, loving children we bore and raised to adulthood.  

Gotta' take credit for that!

Is there still love even at my age?

 When I first met Earl Duane Seeger 68 years ago, I knew immediately what love was.  One look in those sky blue eyes, a toss of that sunshine blonde hair and the muscles rippling in his arms and I was in a tailspin.  He was fresh out of the service and looking for love!  He had a job and a car and lived with 2 of his brothers.  A short 3 weeks later we were standing in front of the minister in the Presbyterian Church on Sherman Street  in Hutchinson, Kansas.  His mother had come in from Jetmore, Kansas and a blizzard sent her and Walter back before the service began.  October 30, 1960.  One or 2 of my sisters were there.  I can still close my eyes and remember my first love.

They say you never forget your first love and I believe that to be the gospel truth.  I know he loved me till the day he died and I still hold a very special place for him.  The marriage lasted 10 years and produced 5 beautiful, healthy children!  We shared custody and no one paid child support.  Some times the kids were with me and some times with him.  Even when I married husband #3 and moved to Colorado, the kids traveled back and forth.  Child support was never an issue.  Early on when the kids were with me full time he made the statement "Why should I pay you child support?  You have the kids and I have nothing."  Made sense to me!

So now, many years later he is gone.  I am a widow of 20 years from my 5th husband.   I live in a 2400 square foot house and do not even date.  Church on Sunday, Lagrees grocery through the week and occasionally the little grandson spends the night.  I do have a male friend and sometimes I make lunch or supper for us.  I have coffee with his brother a couple times a month if I remember.  I work as a seamstress for the local uniform store to make a little extra money.  That is my life.  That and taking walks around the neighborhood several times a week and going to the doctor in the spring for my annual checkup.

So what I am wondering this morning, is when did the fire go out and complacency set it as my new normal?  There was a time when I marched for gay rights.  A time when Martin Luther King's dream was also my dream.  When child abuse and neglect would bring me toe to toe with the offender.  A time when I would grab my fishing pole and head to the river all alone to catch the "big one".  A time when a man in a pair of tight Levi's was like waving a red flag in front of a bull!

I guess what I want to know is this:  At what point did I become an old woman and leave the vibrant being I used to be soaking up the sun in a solarium some where?  Is there an internal clock in all of us that one day just shuts off all the emotions I used to have and turns on the nap in front of the television through the news mode?  And through the Jeopardy! I used to like?  I still like to cook, but that is because I need to eat.  I take a shower every morning, but I do not even see the reasoning behind that because I do not even get dusty most of the time.  When did dancing all night end and 8:30 bedtime begin?  Is this all there is to life?

Do not misconstrue this missive as me complaining about my life.  My life is good.  I am secure in my retirement.  I do not want to join the Red Hat Club or volunteer at the local food bank.  Sixty five years ago my dream was to be a missionary in Africa.  I wanted to feed the hungry and comfort the sick, but instead a blonde headed, blue eyed Greek God crossed my path and I never got back on track.  I guess what I want to know is this:  Do any of you out there ever regret the path you followed?  

Momma always said, "You can not get the toothpaste back in the tube."  That just means that nothing once done, can ever be completely undone.  If I had never met Earl Duane Seeger, my life would definitely be different.  Better?  Probably not because I would not have the kids I have today.  They are my legacy and my life.  

But sometimes I just wonder had I actually made it to Africa, would I have made it back home?  I could have been in a pot and been dinner for a bunch of cannibals!  God works in wonderous ways, his miracles to perform.  

Peace! 

Life here on South Road goes on as time flys by me.

 The January 6 hearings are over for now.  The tomatoes are in full bloom and the watermelons seem to be reluctant to grow, but life goes on here at my house.  I am once more in isolation because someone I was around has Covid.  Patty Lynn is here for a visit and she was with me, so at least I have company!

The tomatoes are in full bloom and I see tiny little green ones setting on the vines.  I think I have about 40 plants, so I should be good.  Of course the well is acting up and the pump man has been here once already. The 2 pepper plants I planted have refused to grow, but the zucchini looks like it will be feeding me pretty soon.  The Broccoli  refuses to head.  The geese are still alive and well, and I can not remember how old those things are!  Bret was 8 or 9 when I got the first 3 and he is about to push 30 over the edge, so you tell me!  I thought the damn things only lived 10 years or so with proper care.  According to my calculations I have bought and dumped into the barrel 72 bags of feed.  That means I have lifted 3600 pounds of grain.  Not to mention the cost of about $1000.  And that does not count the expense I incurred when my flock consisted of 37 ducks and 17 geese, which were all eaten by the neighborhood foxes.

But all that is irrelevant at this point.  My flock now consists of 5 ganders and 2 hens that show signs of perhaps living forever!  The grass in the back yard is non-existent!  What I now have for vegetation is something called Purslane.  This is an edible weed that the good Lord has blessed me with to keep me healthy.  

What is purslane good for?

• The health benefits of purslane may include its ability to possibly aid in weight loss, improve heart health, and ensure the healthy growth and development of children. It may also protect the skin, build strong bones, and increase circulation.  
• You can google it yourself.
• So I have been busy harvesting,  cleaning, and freezing this stuff.  It is every where in my yard so the good Lord must want me to do that!  Now there is a plant that kind of looks like Purslane which is poison and will kill me if I eat it, so I tend to stay away from that one, or at least I hope I stay away from that one.
• So, anyway, life goes on here at my house.  Hopefully I will be getting a new door on the back of the house soon.  I have been paying taxes on 2 bathrooms for 40 years and this past year I actually had the second bathroom added.  I had called the property tax people to tell them that I was paying taxes on a bathroom I did not have and she explained to me that I did have 2 bathrooms.  That was one of those conversations that left me shaking my head.  So, now I do have 2 bathrooms and I match the description on my tax bill.  At least I feel better now that I actually have the second bathroom.  Hopefully I am going to put a new door on the back of the house sometime soon.  The door I have now has a doggie door and a tiny burglar could creep in if I were to forget to put the cover on at night.
• So that is how things are in my world at the present time.  I have to go let the geese out for the day.  I put seven to bed last night and hopefully (?) 7 will come out this morning.  Patty will be making plans to head back home on Friday unless one of us tests positive for Covid tomorrow.  Keeping my fingers crossed that this crap goes away some day.
• Peace!

Life in the land of Covid.

 Wending my way through this life has been interesting to say the least.  As I enter my (what I hope are) twilight years, I find myself in a unique position.  I have gone though my life without a lot of medical problems.  The removal of my tonsils when I was 12 was the only surgery I really needed.  I still have my appendix and have very few medical issues.  A few tetanus shots, necessitated by stepping on rusty nails, was all I ever needed.  Until now.

Welcome to the land of Covid!  I did the responsible thing I got my vaccinations.  I had 4 of them to be exact.  I wore my mask.  I isolated.  I did everything just like the CDC recommended.  And for the first  year all was well.  And then I had some work done on my house.  Very nice man.  Single and only a few years younger than me.  An anti-vaxxer.  He was careful.  He wore his mask.  Ya da, ya da, ya da. He caught Covid.  When he was first diagnosed, he called and enquired as to all my family and friends, sure that my house was ground zero.  Nope.  I didn't have it, nor did any of my friends.

He finally traced it back to some one he had worked with on some plumbing job.  So he let me off the hook on that one.  Yes, he was going to get vaccinated!  Then, no, he was not getting vaccinated.  He did not know what was in the vaccine.  Of course he doesn't know what is in the food he grabs from the deli every day either, but you know how men are.

And then, after two years of dodging the Covid bullet, I finally seen the second line appear on my covid test.  I was devastated.  I had been so careful, but I had him for supper one night and the next morning he tested positive for a second time in only a few months. That was all it took.  Responsible?  I think not.  Talk about Typhoid Mary!

I do have to say this, if you are vaccinated and still get Covid, you will have a lighter case.  I am very glad I was vaccinated, because had I not been, I am sure I would not be writing this today!  For the first day I slept most of the day and ate very little.  Second day was not much better.  I am still in quarantine.  I do not care if I ever leave this house again.  I do not want this again!  

The above was written several weeks ago, but it is still fresh in my mind.  I do not want to get that crap again, but here is the deal.  It is still out there.  It is still being passed around and I am sure it is still killing people.  I have the masks that I wear which are the approved ones, but I seem to be the only one wearing one.  I went to Walmart yesterday and there was myself and one other old lady with a mask.  I go in the neighborhood drug store and they wear no masks.  A few employees wear masks at LaGreese, but very few of the customers wear one.

I used to have Covid stats in my toolbar and checked them every day, but then I decided that was no longer necessary.  So where do we stand on Covid?  I do not know.  I sometimes think I am the only one worrying about it, but then I may be the one in charge of worrying.  The sad thing is I remember the days of iron lungs in hospital corridors and the death toll from polio.  I remember the days before vaccines for childhood diseases when quarantine signs were tacked on the front doors of houses and the inhabitants could not leave until the doctor said they were clean and free of germs.

I also remember that when I had my babies, I dutifully took them for thier  "childhood" vaccinations.  There was never a question of whether they wanted them or not, just something we did.  It was being good citizens and that is what good citizens did.  It is a little hard to find people of my era that does not carry the small pox scar. And now there is something going around called Monkey Pox.  De ja veau?

Could very well be!

The other shoe just dropped!

 Whether our friends know it or not, Roe vs. Wade was the glue that held it all together.  It actually made it possible for women to have a say over there own reproductive organs.  It made us "equal" in more ways then just one.  For years I have watched and listened to the debate over right and wrong as to the use of my reproductive organs and finally became comfortable with my body and choices I made for it.  Roe vs. Wade saved a lot of lives in the years it was law.

Abortion is not an easy choice, as some people might think.  I can still remember back to when I was still in high school and the gossip was rampant about a woman who did "back alley abortions."  I forget her name, but I still remember snippets of gossip about "Mrs. Somebody" who, for a price would perform an abortion supposedly on her kitchen table.  Some one pointed her out to me and she just looked like a normal everyday woman.  No appearances of a "baby murderer" to me.

Time passed and abortions became more common.  I cannot spout dates and laws, but I do know that at some point the "procedure" became legal.  Of course, there were steps that had to be taken and it seems to me that maybe the father even had to give consent.  I did know a girl who had one and when it leaked out she was shunned and eventually moved away.  But of course, my memory of that is not clear.  Time has passed and a lot of things have changed, but apparently, the need to put limitations on what a woman can and cannot do with her body has not.

What you do in the sanctity of your home, with your body is none of my business.  Apparently, it is the business of the Supreme Court and the judges that set on the high bench and decide what some law that was passed many years ago.  What lofty goals they must have!  How they can set on the highest court in the land and pass judgement on a lonely, scared little girl in a back alley abortion clinic is more than I can understand.  I am sure there is a story that brought her there.  

The sad part of the whole thing is there is no right or wrong to this ordeal.  My God knows the paths I have walked and the places I have been.  He knows the decisions I have made and why they were made.  I have been divorced 5 times.  Divorce is wrong.  Hope they do not decide to set my divorces aside because that could get damn messy!

The fact of the matter in this is that women have now taken a back seat to the functions of their own bodies.  It is not a man over woman victory here,  it is a statement that basically says, "Do as we say.  We are better than you at deciding what you do."  Many years ago when I campaigned for gay rights, which will probably be the next right to fall, there was a speech that went like this:

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• By David W. Virtue

www.virtueonline.org3/26/2007

When the Nazis came for the communists,

I remained silent; I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,

I remained silent;I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,

I did not speak out;

I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,

I did not speak out;

I was not a Jew.

When they came for me, there was no one left to speak out.

Gay Pride Month

 Having been raised in Kansas I have ideas about politics that I should probably keep to myself, but you know me!  I will first go on record as saying, I was raised by a Republican registered voter mother and as such, I respected her opinion.  As I grew and matured, I realized that I was probably going to choose a different party.  And I did indeed choose differently when I became active in Colorado.

I became involved in the gay rights movement, which did not gel well with my mommy, but that was the route I choose and if I had it to do it all over again I would still have chosen that road.  Now my mother had a very good friend and co-worker who just happened to be gay.  Gibby was also a friend of mine.  We worked together and he helped me with the kids Christmas one year.  Good friends are hard to find and even harder to keep.

Sadly this all transpired at the time that a disease that was called HIV was rearing it's ugly head out in California.  It was the "gay disease" because it seemed to only affect gay people.  It was the "hot potato" of the political world at that time.  No one wanted to address it.  It was as if the politicains completely ignored it, "it" would go away.  Sadly it did not.

Randy Shultz wrote a book and named it for what it was "And the Band Played on".  It entailed the inaction that occured during that period.  The government continued to ignore the "gay disease".  It was indeed a phenomena in that only gay people got it and only gay people died from it.  Since it only affected that one segment of society it was not important.  But then it began to bleed over into the WASP community and that was a wake up call.

I do not have time nor inclination to go into all the  ramifications of the governments inaction at that period in time.  This is about my friend Gibby and how his life meant something to my mother and to me.  Gibby was not infected at the time I left Hutchinson.  Dates mean nothing to me in my memories of him.  I only know that I was living in Colorado when I got the call that Gib had moved to California and  he had tested postitive for the virus.  He wanted to come "home" for Christmas.  Mother was concerned about "catching it".  So to make a long story short, Gibby died in California and is buried some where that was not disclosed because of the "shame that surrounded his death."  His family was afraid that someone might "dig him up" and "desecrate his body."  And the Band Played on.

But as with most of life, time moved on.  The disease was named  Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome and later and finally settled on as HIV (human immunodeficiency virus).  It is no longer the dark secret that it was in the beginning.  Since the death of my sweet Gibby, I have been very active in the movement.  Some one in California started a memorial quilt with panels for each death designed and executed by someone who loved that person.   This is a link to that project.

I have designed and executed a miniature to be held here locally and shown the month of December at out local library.  We usually have a ceremony of commemeration on December 1, which is designated World AIDS Day.   Covid put a stop to that!   I have once more digressed so let me get back on track.

This is gay pride month.  So my hat is off to Gibby and all the pioneers before him who stood up and said "Yes I am gay!  And I am proud!  It is who I am!"

I am proud to say that I helped bring gay pride to Pueblo.  It is what it is and I have plagues in my china cabinet that proves I am more than just a clanging cymbal.

Smile down, Gibby, because I will never forget you and your unconditional love to me and my family!  And thank you to the doctors, nurses, health care providers and all the people who jumped into the fray to restore sanity to a period that had none at the time.

Peace!

Winter doldrums, spring fever and summer sweat.

 My world is a wonderful place!  Winter is behind me and since it was a mild one and all the geese survived, it was a fairly good one.  Spring bursts forth with a wonderful display of leaves, foliage and flowers to stir the juices in my soul and make my heart sing.  Now we enter summer.  I like summer.  Not sure why, but I do.  It brings out the bugs, bees, hummingbirds, and vicious summer storms.   The first three things I really like.  The summer storms I can do without!

Now, Kansas was a different story as far as storms go!  Most days were just days.  Some were hot and some were hotter.  Some times it rained and some times it poured!  But always in the summer we watched the sky line for the clouds that could bring the tornadoes.  There always seemed to be a feeling in the air of what could be.  The tornado clouds were low and dark and the storm trackers were in their element as they scurried from one area to another to get a closer look at impending doom.  The air seemed to be full of electricity from the approaching storms.

Since I had a nest full of kids at the time, I watched the sky line and wished that this time I had a house with a storm cellar.  Now when I did have a house with a storm cellar I never went down there.  Storm cellars were just for that purpose and since no one went down there, spiders were prolific and BIG!  I harbored the idea that the tornado would suck all the webs and spiders out before I got down there, but I am not sure that was a rational thought!

A side note here on the cellar business.  When we lived in Glasco, which is in northern Kansas, we lived in a farm house that had a root  cellar.  This was a nice root cellar with concrete walls and floor and ceiling.  It even had a light hanging from the ceiling.  Of course, the first thing Duane and his brothers did was to "set" a crock of grapes which would ferment into wine.  Also something that would turn into some other form of alcoholic beverage in time.

The rules on this was that under no condition was myself or Maude, Larry's wife, to go into that root cellar.  That was "man business".  I also at that time had a little Chihuahua dog named Jake. (Jake will enter the story again!)  A couple weeks passed and the men went to work and the women stayed home.  We were very compliant about not going into the root cellar, but alas!  Much like the forbidden fruit that tempted Eve, the root cellar called to us.  What was going on down there out of our sight?

So one day we decided to just go look.  Two crocks were setting on the ledge and we lifted the cover and peered in at a stinking mess of grapes and water  with foam on top.  That was one foul smelling concoction, so we quickly covered it back up and scurried up the stair.  We saw no hope of any of that mess being of any use at all to us.

So the men returned home.  Supper was on the table so we ate.  Then Duane said, "Where is the dog? I haven't seen him since I got home.  That was unusual since Jake was usually there in case somone lost control and threw meat on the floor.  We began the search.  No dog.  After looking in all the usual places we gave up.  Duane then decided to check his alcohol progress in the cellar.  Lo and behold!  There was Jake shut up in the cellar!  How did he get there?  Were we in the cellar where we were not supposed to be?

Oh, no!  We would never break the rules!  Then how did that dog get in the cellar?  And try as I might, I could not lie my way out of that one!  I will not go into the scene that followed, but suffice it to say, I never disobeyed another rule that man made.  Never went into the root cellar again and the biggest blackest clouds could come and the storm that followed was mild in comparison to a husband who had been lied to by his wife!  

That was 60 years ago.  Jakie and Oopsie, my two dogs have been gone for years.  There is no one left to share my memories with anymore.  That is sad to me.  I often wonder if my mother had memories she wanted to share and I did not have the time nor the inclination to listen?  

I miss my momma!  I miss the old aunts and uncles!  I miss the history that I will never have a chance to learn now.  But most of all, I miss who I was then.  I was a 90 pound girl and the world lay before me.  Mother always said, "Hindsight is 20/20, looking back."

So I set here and remember and try to document just some of the history so some day maybe my grand kids and great grandkids will read some of this stuff and know that grandma had hopes and dreams and wants and needs.  Just maybe they will find a tiny corner of their hearts where they can bask in memories that will never pass this way again.

Peace and Love!