Yesterday in one of my moments of reflection, I happened to think about a very vital person who is winding down his stay on earth. This man has been very active in the community, a very well respected man. His eyes still twinkle when he talks, or at least most of the time. And then I thought about my mother and how much knowledge she had. I thought about her life and the sorrow she had endured and over come. And I remembered grandma. When a person releases their hold on life and the family and friends are left behind, it seems like an insurmountable task ahead to survive without that person. When my brother died suddenly in a car crash, it was like a light went out in the world. He was there with his laughing face and his winning ways. He exuded life through every pore of his being. And then he was no more.
I could not accept that. It was inconceivable that he was dead. He had a new son. He had a wife. He had found God. He had everything to live for and yet his lifeless body was before me. He did not move and he was cold. He was my only brother and he was dead. He was with my father.
This weekend is Memorial Day. Memorial Day. Like I need a day to remember all I have lost. I visit the graves when I am near them. Not my husband though. He is here. His marker is across town, but he is here. I could not survive if he were not. He was my life and his eyes were the clearest blue I have ever seen. There is an advertisement that shows a woman, ready for bed, talking to someone. She walks into the bedroom and the camera pans to an empty pillow. She stops talking and shakes her head. I wonder how many times I have lived that scene. My very wise mother once told me that divorces are easy cause you have anger to keep you on track, but when you lose a partner they immediately take on sainthood and you only remember the good parts. She was right.
For many years I would mourn the lost and think of the "what might have been" that had changed my life, but no more. It has all been for a reason. Every life and every death that has touched me has been very meaningful in one way or another. Now I can look back and see them all. They live right in my peripheral vision and I can see them clearly. I do not need to bring flowers.
I see my grandma with the sweetest smile and great grandma, so tall and regal. Aunt Lola so stern. Uncle Ray, the handsomest man in the whole world and his beautiful wife Beth. I see Gary and what might have been; Kenny and what was. I see my laughing Jake and Josephine with all her faults. I see Gibby, Mark, Shirley, Marty, and a very, very long list of my friends who hold places on the AIDS Quilt and a very big piece of my heart. I picture a tiny coffin when I was 15 and my sister lost her baby. I see fallen leaders, assassins, and the list goes on and has no end.
But I see something else. I see a future and I see myself being the one to go. And that is my message to you today. I am trying very hard to leave a legacy that will make all of you who know me proud. So when my eyes are closed to open no more I want you to remember this....I lived as I lived. My life made me the person you loved. I have no regrets, no hard feelings. I never met any one I did not like and I saw good in everyone. I trusted my fellow man and loved my God and I will be with him in Paradise. I will watch the road for you and we are all going to have a glad reunion. And one more thing, I think God plays Country Western on the loud speakers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2u_rEcWW8M&feature=related
I could not accept that. It was inconceivable that he was dead. He had a new son. He had a wife. He had found God. He had everything to live for and yet his lifeless body was before me. He did not move and he was cold. He was my only brother and he was dead. He was with my father.
This weekend is Memorial Day. Memorial Day. Like I need a day to remember all I have lost. I visit the graves when I am near them. Not my husband though. He is here. His marker is across town, but he is here. I could not survive if he were not. He was my life and his eyes were the clearest blue I have ever seen. There is an advertisement that shows a woman, ready for bed, talking to someone. She walks into the bedroom and the camera pans to an empty pillow. She stops talking and shakes her head. I wonder how many times I have lived that scene. My very wise mother once told me that divorces are easy cause you have anger to keep you on track, but when you lose a partner they immediately take on sainthood and you only remember the good parts. She was right.
For many years I would mourn the lost and think of the "what might have been" that had changed my life, but no more. It has all been for a reason. Every life and every death that has touched me has been very meaningful in one way or another. Now I can look back and see them all. They live right in my peripheral vision and I can see them clearly. I do not need to bring flowers.
I see my grandma with the sweetest smile and great grandma, so tall and regal. Aunt Lola so stern. Uncle Ray, the handsomest man in the whole world and his beautiful wife Beth. I see Gary and what might have been; Kenny and what was. I see my laughing Jake and Josephine with all her faults. I see Gibby, Mark, Shirley, Marty, and a very, very long list of my friends who hold places on the AIDS Quilt and a very big piece of my heart. I picture a tiny coffin when I was 15 and my sister lost her baby. I see fallen leaders, assassins, and the list goes on and has no end.
But I see something else. I see a future and I see myself being the one to go. And that is my message to you today. I am trying very hard to leave a legacy that will make all of you who know me proud. So when my eyes are closed to open no more I want you to remember this....I lived as I lived. My life made me the person you loved. I have no regrets, no hard feelings. I never met any one I did not like and I saw good in everyone. I trusted my fellow man and loved my God and I will be with him in Paradise. I will watch the road for you and we are all going to have a glad reunion. And one more thing, I think God plays Country Western on the loud speakers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2u_rEcWW8M&feature=related
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