I glimpsed my future and that shit ain't gonna happen here!

Remember a while back when I was flirting with the idea of dating because I thought it might be nice to have a gentleman friend to hang out with?  Plead the blood of Jesus over that thought!  I saw myself at the grocery store yesterday and Lou Mercer is not ready for that!  We are in week number something or other ( I have actually lost track of time) of this social distancing and not getting closer than 6 feet to any other human.  I am a rather gregarious soul and do enjoy people so this has been very trying for me and probably a lot of other people.  But, back to the subject.

I went to Lagrees yesterday to pick up a couple items that I needed.  I always start on the produce aisle.  I picked up a bag of lettuce, a tomato, and 3 bananas.  Next stop was the mark down shelf.  There was already a gentleman there, so I waited.  He picked up each bag and ran his fingers over the plastic covering of each item in every bag.  He deemed three of them as good enough to go home with him and I watched as he took them over and put them in a grocery cart that was attended by a lovely lady that I figured must be his wife.  I saw he already had several of the bags in the cart.  A cursory look at the rack told me he had taken anything that was worth paying for.

I caught sight of him several more times in my journey through the store.  The lady never let go of the cart and when he would venture off to check something out, she remained with the cart.  Very soon I formed a vision in my mind of what life with this guy would be like.  I would be in charge of the cart and he, as the bread winner, would be in charge of what went in the cart, and also what I would eat.  I pictured the home with him collecting the mail and sorting through it and letting me look at the advertisements that arrived.  He would pay the bills while I stood quietly by.  I wondered if the woman had any wants or desires of her own.  I know I have plenty!

The jest here is that he was the man of the house.  He decided what they would eat.  My job would be lord only knows what.  I made up my mind from that 15  minute peek into some one else's life that no way in hell do I need a man.  Been there, done that, and like it like it is. I want to push my own cart and put in it what I want to eat.  I really do not mind picking up a bag on the discount shelf and finding day old produce in it.  I usually always buy my bananas when they are ready to turn because they make better banana bread.  When I buy eating bananas they are usually pretty green.

I did not see them leave the store, but I am betting money, he was driving.  Now, I am pretty sure that  they have a tidy house, they eat good and no doubt watch the same shows every week night that they watched for the last 40 years.  Maybe I am just getting old and set in my ways, but I would like to steer the boat, so to speak, every once in a while.

Granted it would be nice to have a man around to talk to and share my day with, but I have baggage and I am pretty sure any man I find in this day and age is going to have his own baggage and I just am not ready for that.  I sometimes eat breakfast for supper and sometimes my noon day meal is something I just ran through the blender.  Or more often than not, a nap instead of eating.

I am a packrat, by nature.  I buy my own car when I need one.  I love my company and I am pretty sure it is going to stay that way.  The square dancing lessons are over.  Fishing out the back of the boat is over.  Classic Country music still plays on my stereo and always will.  Last man friend I had gave me a jazz cd.  Wonder where that went?

So, stay home.  Stay safe.  And stay single!  That will be my mantra!

The Mesa is changing and so am I.

I moved out here in 1982, one year before I married Kenny.  We lived in sin.  I thought if I could live with him for one year and not get my "knickers in a knot" and walk out that I could probably make him my 6th and final trip to the alter.  As you see, I am still here, so that was a wise decision.  Either that or it was meant to be.  But that is not what this is about.

When driving out here on the 50 hwy bypass the fabric of the whole landscape has changed.  Coming out Santa Fe Drive and turning east on the highway has stayed fairly unchanged, although the 2 bars on the Southside of the highway are shuttered and have been for years.  The one known as "Bear Country" is the only one I was ever in.  There used to be a functioning lumber yard (forgot the name) and it is now vacant.  Right after crossing the bridge, there was a produce place on the north named "Cheatum' and Chiselum'".  It was rumored that some guy killed his wife and cut her up in there.  He then dispersed her parts into trash cans around town.  I am just reporting the news as I recall it, so do not ask for details.  The house across the street is now a car wash the produce stand is a strip mall.

The Headquarters restaurant was where anyone that was anyone went for coffee every morning.  It turned into a Wendy's and is now vacant.  There was another hamburger place that turned into a bank.  We now have a total of 5 or 6 strip malls,  5 or 6 marijuana outlets.  KFC is a pizza place.  While most of the landscape has changed, some of it has remained the same.  Candy's Tortilla is still here.  Chet's is now Lagreese's, but is still a grocery store.  Mesa Vet is still there. Frank's Meat Market. Taco House. Giadonne still has a restaurant, but has torn down the ice cream stand and put in a marijuana store and a Bands in the Backyard amphitheater.  Johnson's auto parts changed hands.  The milk barn is a liquor store.  Mesa Hardware remains the same.  Of course the Mesa Kitchen still sets in the corner of 25th Lane and the highway along with Jr's and the drug store.

I do not like to do the "remember when" thing because it just makes me feel old.  I guess I have been in this same house for 37 years which seems like a very long time because some people do not even live that long, but to me it is only a "little while back".  I was a wife, mother, grandmother.  Now I am a widow, mother, grandmother, great grandmother and I am getting tired. I am an  inch and a half  shorter.  My dreams of what my future will be have changed several times.  When I was young I wanted to sing with a country western band and go all around the country singing in bars, now I just want to listen to my cd's and caterwaul away when I am driving.  Haven't been dancing in 40 years, so probably not going now.

Mother always told me that every thing changes and that hind sight is 20/20 looking back.  I think I have lived a pretty good life and I have definitely outlived most of my enemies.  I think I am ready to maybe set back and let whatever happens, happen.  Tired of chasing rainbows and butterflies.  Maybe they can chase me a while.

We will see!