Yep! I am once more drowning in a sea of "what in the world was I thinking!" My little life usually goes along on an even keel; some times I win, some times I lose, and all is well, because it is life. I am busy most, if not all of the time, but I do take time to smell the roses. Life is good as I stand here like a deer in the headlights and watch the last little bit of freedom I know disappear under a pile of eBay items that need to be listed, quilts that need quilted, thread that needs spun and woven, garden that needs tilled, hats that need embroidered, meals that need cooked, dogs that need petted, and friends that "need to talk".
I have never learned to say no. It is a word that is completely forgien to my vocabulary. I have not learned the art of sitting quietly and watching a movie, reading a book, or just contemplating my navel. Lyn and I planned our vacation yesterday. At least we picked the dates. She, of course, had to give me the lecture about how this time "You will relax and not be heading for home the next day." She knows me and I thank her for trying and maybe this time it will work.
Now, this all sounds good, but this is something that throws me into a tail spin. We started talking about this a couple weeks ago and the cloud of dread slowly floated over my head and began to settle on my shoulders. With the cloud of dread came the depression that creeps in at times of dire stress in my life. So, I bit the bullet and the dates are set.
Do not misunderstand me here, I love to go back home and see the kids, grand kids, sisters, cousins, friends (Hi, Joe!), and just chill. I love to eat at Skaets. Kansas City is always a treat with Shirley fussing over us. I love to drive and take pictures and every moment I am on my vacation, I count the moments until I can get back home. I can not relax. I can not remember the last time I just let go and relaxed. You know, the one where you lay on a hill and watch a cloud float past, or set on a creek bank and wait for that old cat fish to bite? When I am back there I think how great it would be to live there. You know, just pick up and move back. It all sounds so simple; just move.
But with home comes memories and with memories comes sadness. Sadness for a life that could have been; a life that should have been. Dreams of a little country home and a picket fence and kids in the yard and a puppy barking at the cat. And with sadness comes depression. And with depression comes memories and the cycle starts all over again. If I could go back and make the choices I should have made, who would I be today? But, I can not do that, can I? With age comes wisdom, or so they say. With age comes hopelessness and dread. I had one shot at this life and I think I may have screwed it up. Deer in the head lights!
So this is Holy Week. I take consolation in that. I also take consolation in the fact that only a few of my friends and family read this, so they will not know how nuts I actually am. So maybe some one out there can flip my switch and tell me how I can salvage what is left? Some one sent me an email the other day, which I read in my typical every other line fashion, but I think I got the gist.
Lord, help me when I complain about having to fix supper, to remember those who have no food. When I complain about the cost of gas, help me be thankful that I have a car and can get around. When I complain about having to clean house, help me be thankful that I have a home. When I complain about the long walk to the duck house, help me be thankful that I can walk, and see, and feel. And when I am antsy because a friend drops by to take me from my chores, be thankful that I have friends. Amen
There! I might have solved my problems.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRoVH5u9Qk8&feature=related
I have never learned to say no. It is a word that is completely forgien to my vocabulary. I have not learned the art of sitting quietly and watching a movie, reading a book, or just contemplating my navel. Lyn and I planned our vacation yesterday. At least we picked the dates. She, of course, had to give me the lecture about how this time "You will relax and not be heading for home the next day." She knows me and I thank her for trying and maybe this time it will work.
Now, this all sounds good, but this is something that throws me into a tail spin. We started talking about this a couple weeks ago and the cloud of dread slowly floated over my head and began to settle on my shoulders. With the cloud of dread came the depression that creeps in at times of dire stress in my life. So, I bit the bullet and the dates are set.
Do not misunderstand me here, I love to go back home and see the kids, grand kids, sisters, cousins, friends (Hi, Joe!), and just chill. I love to eat at Skaets. Kansas City is always a treat with Shirley fussing over us. I love to drive and take pictures and every moment I am on my vacation, I count the moments until I can get back home. I can not relax. I can not remember the last time I just let go and relaxed. You know, the one where you lay on a hill and watch a cloud float past, or set on a creek bank and wait for that old cat fish to bite? When I am back there I think how great it would be to live there. You know, just pick up and move back. It all sounds so simple; just move.
But with home comes memories and with memories comes sadness. Sadness for a life that could have been; a life that should have been. Dreams of a little country home and a picket fence and kids in the yard and a puppy barking at the cat. And with sadness comes depression. And with depression comes memories and the cycle starts all over again. If I could go back and make the choices I should have made, who would I be today? But, I can not do that, can I? With age comes wisdom, or so they say. With age comes hopelessness and dread. I had one shot at this life and I think I may have screwed it up. Deer in the head lights!
So this is Holy Week. I take consolation in that. I also take consolation in the fact that only a few of my friends and family read this, so they will not know how nuts I actually am. So maybe some one out there can flip my switch and tell me how I can salvage what is left? Some one sent me an email the other day, which I read in my typical every other line fashion, but I think I got the gist.
Lord, help me when I complain about having to fix supper, to remember those who have no food. When I complain about the cost of gas, help me be thankful that I have a car and can get around. When I complain about having to clean house, help me be thankful that I have a home. When I complain about the long walk to the duck house, help me be thankful that I can walk, and see, and feel. And when I am antsy because a friend drops by to take me from my chores, be thankful that I have friends. Amen
There! I might have solved my problems.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRoVH5u9Qk8&feature=related
1 comment:
Of all the post I pick and it had to be this one. Sounds like someone needed a pick me up. Myself when that happens cant relax or want to relax, Put your mind at ease say this stuff is not going to go any where It will still be their. You do only have One Life To Live so Live it. Your not getting any younger and your going to miss out on a lot of stuff, Those last memories Make them worht your wild. Remeber When you or anyone passes YOU CANT TAKE THEM WITH YOU Your treasures will be in heaven and not earth
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