It can only happen in Pueblo, Colorado.

I had forgotten about this until just now.  A week or so ago John, Linda and I went to the Chinese Restaurant to eat.  Nothing new and startling about that, at least not until the bill came.  As you know it is almost always accompanied by a fortune cookie.  They are fun little things to read and can usually elicit a chuckle at the very least.  Some of them even try to teach you a word of Chinese in the process.  Not so in this particular restaurant.

On the one side was what ever it said for the fortune and on the back it was repeated in Spanish.  Now luckily John is a Spanish speaking fellow, or sort of anyway.  He can interpret , but does not actually speak it.  He said it was a literal translation.  So I am a wondering how this Spanish fortune cookie ended up on our table.  In our usual haphazard fashion we managed to exit the place leaving the Spanish fortune cookies crumbled on the table and the fortunes were among our litter. 

Just wondered if any of you had ever had anything like that happen to you in your neck of the woods.

No Disneyland for my kids and they survived!

I was downstairs just now pinning a quilt in the quilter and had one of my epiphany's.  I just love that word!  So, anyway, I had the television on and heard the announcer say something about a trip to Disneyland for some little kids who were very ill.  It was then I thought how nice that was that the little kiddies can go there and have fun.  Flash back to my children.  I raised five of those suckers and never even thought about Disneyland.  Assuming it had been invented at the time.

But we have to go back further.  All my children were fathered by my first husband, the drop dead gorgeous German guy who thought Hitler was the smartest man that ever lived.  I have always had an infinity for the German guys, but Hitler was so wrong!   My roots go back to the Black Forest and the Erms, so I think that is where that comes from.  Well anyway, after 11 years we decided to split everything in half and call it a bad experience.  So I walked out with a 1957 Chevy and 5 kids.  He got the tree business and his freedom.  Seemed fair to me.  When it came time for child support, he explained to me that he did not want the divorce, so he should not have to pay alimony or child support.  That made sense to me, so that is how it stood.  Back in those days you could do that.

Now understand this, when I struck out on my own with 5 kids to take care of, I did not have a high school diploma and knew how to do jack as far as supporting myself went.  Ever hear the saying "Ignorance is bliss?"  Very true in my case.  I got a job waiting tables.  I then went to work at the Red Carpet Restaurant as a short order cook, moved up to head cook and then manager.  Had a disagreement with the boss so went across town and bought my own place. The rest is history.  Got married, got divorced, got married, moved to Colorado, got divorced, got married, got divorced, got married, got widowed and here I am.  But I digress. 

I look back on raising the kids there in Hutchinson, Kansas and wonder just what kind of mother I really was.   I know I never took them to Disneyland, but I did take them fishing!  Every Sunday in the summer we would go by a place on Second Street and pick up 6 hamburgers and french fries for $1.00.  Name of the place was  B & D Carryout.  We then headed out to the Arkansas River, or behind the Bible Camp on Cow Creek. Once we went to Dodge's Sand Pit and I caught a very big Channel Cat.  Put it in the freezer and the kids fed it to the cats.  So, here is the question I have for you.  Today all my kids love to fish.  I think even Sam thinks about it sometimes.  Now had I taken them to Disneyland would that have made an impression on them  in a very lasting way?

I look back on those years and know that had I been depositing the child support check instead of the check from my second and third jobs I might have been able to give the kids more, but would that have made me a better mother?  Their dad took them on vacations.  He came and spent time with them.  They went to his home in Garden City and stayed sometimes and as they grew older spent more time with him.  We never pushed and pulled the kids.  Just told them when they got older they would understand and I think they pretty much do now.  They are all successful in one way or another. 

Sam put himself through college and is financially successful.  Dona put herself through Cosmetology School and has her own shop in Lakin.  Patty is retired from the Library.  Debbie is a survivalist in eastern Kansas and could build you a house from tin cans!  Sue is here in town and is self sufficient.  There are all honest, tax paying,  hard working, caring, self sufficient human beings.  They all love me as their mother and while Dad has been gone for many years, I still see  shades of him in all of them.

So, did they miss out by not going to Disneyland?  Or, and I just thought of this, maybe they went!  Maybe their dad took them.  I guess I never really asked them!  The point I am getting to, and I always have one you know, is this, I did the best I could with the tools and the knowledge I had at that time.  It is always easy to look back and see how it should have been done.  I sometimes wonder if I knew way back then, what I know now, just how my life would have played out on the big screen?  I should not have ever married the first one, but then I would have no kids.  Don't want that.    Everything and everyone that has touched my life, however briefly,  has made me exactly who I am today.  So if you love me today, you have to love the past that brought me to this point.

Don't ask me for all my little dark secrets, cause I have forgotten most of them.  Can't get the toothpaste back in the tube and not sure I want to try.  Just know that I will love each and everyone of you just exactly as you are with all your idiosyncrasies and I ask that you make me the same deal.  When you look at Lou, what you see is what you get!  I may come with baggage, but I carry it well!

This was last year's Christmas Tree!

Now even I have to admit that is a sad sight for a Christmas Tree!  That was last year and this year is shaping up to be a little bit better.  This poor dead tree is laying out by the trash barrel and is well on it's way to becoming compost!  Bret and Amanda have the big tree up over there where the treadmill is so we are good to go.  Course if someone hits the button the tree is going to shoot out through the front window.

Today would have been Kenny's birthday, had he hung around, but we know he did not.  Being a widow pretty much sucks if you want to know the truth of the whole matter.  Divorces are so cathartic!  Mother always told me, when I was ranting and raving  about something one of the idiot husbands had done to bring about the latest divorce, "If you are ever a widow your husband will take on sainthood."  Mothers are always right!  I do not understand that, though, because I am a mother and I am not always right!  I digress.

I have been alone 7 years.  That is a long time.  From Thanksgiving until the end of January, I pretty much stay in a funk.  I had lunch yesterday with a minister friend and he was telling me how lackadaisical he has been the last few weeks.  We talked a bit and then he mentioned his mother had been gone just one year.  I then explained to him how the grief cycle works.  Anniversaries are just that.  We may not even realize, but when we put our finger on it, we know.

So does life go on?  Sure it does.  We mark one month, then one year, then 5 years, and so it goes.  What is our alternative?  There is none.  Do our memories become less acute?  Sure they do.  What was raw emotion fades to a dull ache and that eventually turns into just another day.  Another page on the calendar and just another day to get through.  Sometimes I actually think I am going to be happy again, someday.  For now it will just have to do that the Christmas Tree is up and I think it is pretty.  I will spend more time in church this season and do a little more volunteer work.  I am actually going to Colorado Springs for the volunteer party at SCAP.  Never did that before, but Linda is insisting on it this time.

So as we enter this Holy Season, I want to tell you Merry Christmas way early.  I will miss Kenny this year, but I miss him every day anyway.  I think all the little fellow ever wanted was for me to be happy, so after seven long years I am going to work on that and it is going to start this Christmas.  I have friends and family.  I have people who love me and need me and if I can spread the cheer, that is what it is all about.  And remember,

Jesus is the reason for the season!

Icarus at work!

 This is Icarus!  This is my calico cat that loves me to distraction!  It is about 5:00 AM and we just got up a little bit ago.  See, what you do not know, and can not see because I can not take a picture of us in bed is that I sleep on my side and she sleeps on my shoulder!  At some point I will wake up enough to push her off my arm.  She then puts her nose against my nose and gives me tiny licks. It is at this point I remember where that tongue has been and cover my head up.  She will then content herself with laying with both front paws on my hands and we drift off again.

Now I know you people out there are wise in the ways of the world as well as the workings of the feline creatures we call our friends.  And indeed, they are our friends!  Icarus does not go out and catch mice simply to be catching a mouse.  She knows I am incapable of catching one, so she does it for me. 
She  loves me!  Now I have told you the sleeping arrangements here, so tell me this......what goes on while I am sleeping?  I can only hope she does not think I want dinner when I am laying there with my mouth agape snoring.  That could be a very rude awakening.  And she does not know that I have never eaten a centipede!  I am afraid to tell her for fear she will misinterpret that as meaning I am feeling adventurous and might like to munch on one! 

 Now you see her reading her notebook here.  How she gets in that little hole between the monitor and all my very important notes I wish I knew!  The modem is back there and apparently she knows that I need to leave that plugged in so she leaves it alone.  The cursor catches her attention fairly easily as does the letters marching across the screen.  She puts her nose right on the screen and I can come up with some interesting writing if one finger wanders.  I tell myself she is reading what I write!  I am very glad I kicked in the extra money for the larger monitor so she could see better!

I came home the other night after dark and saw two sets of eyes out by the duck house.  You know how big those eyes look in your headlights!  I thought it was a couple mountain lions, but it turned out Icarus had a friend over to scout out the place.  It was the neighbors calico, so she is keeping good company!  She goes out to the fowl house with me every morning and evening when I do chores.  One morning she thought she might like to sneak up on one of the ducks.  Goosey Gander seen her and came up behind her!  When Icarus spotted him she shot about 8 feet straight up in the air!  Never have a camera when I need it most!

Now I will give you a few facts and then get out of here.  Calico cats are to the best of my knowledge always female.  Cats are very clean animals especially when you take into consideration that they go in their litter box for their toilette, walk across it and then proceed to lick there feet.  Then they want to come and kiss us.  Cats can be devoted to us and still remain completely independent.  Most aloof animals on the face of God's green earth.  While cats and dogs seem to be mortal enemies, mine will all sleep on the same pillow.  Icarus got her bluff in early!

I do know the name Icarus comes from a Greek God or something of the male persuasion and was someone that flew to close to the sun and melted his wings.  She was actually named by a "person of interest" who is no longer in my life, but I left her named Icarus just to remind me of why he is no longer in my life!  So, I am out of here, but on my way out the door, I want to share with you what someone shared with me.....

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king!

Just think about that!

SCAP is represented here at World AIDS Day.

Here is the Southern Colorado AIDS Project table, although in all honesty it is now known as Southern Colorado Health Network operating as SCAP or vice versa.  I forget.  When I started my volunteer work there more years ago than I like to admit it was SCAP and so that is how I will remember it and that is the name I will use because it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  Arf! Arf!

Starting with the back row we have John Mark Hild, minister at the Metropolitan Community Church here in our fair city.  Next is me and then my com padre, Aaron. Aaron is my buddy and makes me laugh like a loon!  Not often I find someone with a mind that works like mine!  See the back row all has on the Focus shirt.  We do that so we remember who we are.

On the front row on the left is the lovely Linda Lorraine, SCAP case manager and other things.  She is our stabilizing force and we love her.  She is always there when we need her, and she is there when we do not need her, and when we need her, but don't know we need her.  The woman is what you call "devoted".  That happens in this business.  Show up a few times and pretty soon you feel like you are needed!

And last but certainly not least is Bill Sharpton.  He works in the Colorado Springs office which is our boss.  I do not know exactly what his title is, but  do know he is single!  His sister was a very good friend of mine and I miss her so much.  Somewhere I have pictures of Marty and the big red turkey that liked to come visit at my house, especially when Marty was there.  That turkey loved that girl and tried to set on her lap and I have pictures of that little endeavour. 

OK, there you have us in all our glory.  Motley looking crew that we are!  Hey, we try!  If we could clone these four people here we could set this world on fire because these are some of the best Colorado has to offer and I am damn glad to be standing in the middle of the finest Colorado has to offer! 

It seems as I wind this down that I have been given a most rare opportunity to work side by side with some of the greatest people on this earth.  In all my years of bopping around with the SCAP crowd, the Pueblo Community Health Center, Pueblo Health Department, the Gay Community..........I am sorry!  The whole of Southern Colorado is tied together and I can not name names without missing some one or some place.  Just know if you are reading this, Lou Mercer loves everyone of you and I thank God every day that he put everyone of you in my path!

Together we are going to fight the good fight and since we are all winners, you know what that means!

Home is where the heart is.

The other day, well today actually , I received an email from a friend and in it he was explaining to me where his home was located and the layout of his home.  He also said it was in the ghetto, but he was happy there.  I told him that home is where the heart is and that got me to thinking.  Where is my heart?  Where is the one place that is my sanctuary, that I feel safe and loved and wanted?  After much soul searching, I know.

Where I am now is a very nice house and I have an acre of land.  Not big enough for anything, but a little too big for nothing.  This house is solid, warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  I am located so I get very little traffic and it is quiet.  No one comes here unless I draw them a map and then they get lost.  I am almost secluded, but the neighbors know I am here and watch out for me.  That is good.  But where is my heart?

It is in Nickerson, Kansas at 709 Strong Street.  That was my ghetto; my wrong side of the tracks. It did not have running water.  We heated with a wood stove and cooked on a wood stove in the kitchen.  The out house was on the back of the lot.  Sears catalog and the whole bit.  Those were just the times.  I think we were the only street in town that was that far back in time, but there you have it.  Now you may ask why anyone in their right mind would go back to a hovel like that and I am here to tell you.

We were all there together.  Momma cleaned houses and put food on the table.  Cereal was cheap back then and we ate a lot of that and other grains.  Apples and Carp (You know that bony trash fish that other people throw away.)  We had fried apples, baked apples, boiled apples, apple sauce and I do not to this day eat a cooked apple in any way shape or form.  Don't eat Carp either.  Those are nasty!  Dad was there in his own little way.  He share cropped with a farmer and he was one of the last to give up the team of horses (and only then because they died of old age ) and never bought a tractor.

My baby sister Dorothy was there with her big brown eyes and dimples.  Mary was there with her long beautiful hair and her petite little body.  Donna was the serious one who ate the middle out of the loaf of bread after school.  My brother Jake was there and had not gone to the Army yet which he did by altering  his birth certificate at the age of  16.  Josephine had not eloped  yet. 

We had clod fights.  We walked to the sand pit.  I fished off the Bull Creek bridge while Jake and his buddies swam naked in a hole a little further upstream.  We had two creeks in Nickerson, Bull Creek and Cow Creek.  Also had the Arkansas River.  Every spring they flooded and isolated the town.  In the winter the Arkansas froze and had to be dynamited.  Old Black Joe lived on the river in a pile of lumber and made silver jewelry with turquoise stones and he was Jake's friend.  Momma was mortified to find out Jake hung out with the likes of him.  He died on the river.
We never had a dog.  Never had a cat.  Jake and I listened to the Grand Ole Opry on the car radio because the radio in the kitchen would not pick it up.  WSM in Nashville as I recall.  We had electricity eventually and got a pump in the kitchen.  The out house remained.  I attended Elementary school in Nickerson and went to 2 1/2 years of high school there. Came back to there after living with my Grandma my first  half of my Freshman year.  Smoked my first cigarette there.  Learned about God and salvation there.  Forgot about it there. Won a three speed English racing bike there by getting the most "Our Family" labels off of canned goods.  Flew my kite into a tree at the cemetery and could not get it down.  Watered the sweet potatoes and a spider got on my foot.  Momma had her hysterectomy there when I was in the seventh grade. 

The Reinke girls lived next door with their dad because their mom had died when the youngest was born.  I was glad my momma was still alive.  If we wanted ice for the ice box we had a card to put in the window with how much we wanted right side up.  All the doors used a skeleton key and you didn't lock the door because everybody had a skeleton key.  Whittling  Joe and Johnny Carson lived up on the highway and they let the chickens come in there house. Pop was a nickle and that was a lot of money. Ora Ayers rode her stick horse because she wasn't quite right in the head.  And we better be good cause the Gypsy's were camped outside of town and might come steal us.  We were poor, but poor was a state of mind.  There were people who had less then us

When I can not sleep, I walk the streets of Nickerson, Kansas.  I pass the feed store, the grocery store, the church and I say my prayers and fall into the most blissful sleep.

So my memories go on and on.  My ghetto lives in my heart and mind and everything I am today and will be in the future is because I was there and it impacts me forever.  So find your ghetto, or grotto, or wherever your safe place is and hang on to it with both hands.  It is your heritage.  It is your lifeline.  When life is stripped away and I stand before my maker, I know he will see a skinny knock kneed little girl with tangled hair and dirty bare feet and he will say, "Get in here you little urchin!  I been waiting for you to get home!"
And I will waltz in those pearly gates and up those streets of gold just like I belonged there.  Nickerson, Kansas is a state of mind!

And now, the candle light service for World AIDS Day.

This is our tree all decorated on December 1, 2010.  The red ribbons each have at least one name of someone who has been claimed by AIDS.  We were inside for the program and when it was over we picked up a candle and wrote a name on a ribbon and processed out to the amphitheater.  When we got outside the candles were lit, because there was some sort of something in balloons and the community college did not want us waving flamesaround. 

                                Up on top there is my friend Diane from the Indian Nation who is also the nurse at the Pueblo Community Health Center who holds sway at the Collaborative Clinic.  She is in her native dress and the woman is a real beauty.  And want to know something else?  She has a twin sister so if you happen to have access to this album you will see a close up of her also.  If you look back there behind Eddie Three Eagles and to the right of the drummer you can see them.  Aren't they cute?

So, anyway, after we got outside, we hung our ribbons on the tree and said aloud the names that we were placing there.  I only did two names this year.  I get tired of putting my friends on a tree.  I guess I am selfish that way and over the years my list has gotten so long that it is redundant.  I always do Mark though, because he was such a vital part of my life for so many years.

After the candles were lit and the ribbons hung, and the names said, Eddie Three Eagles purified the ground and then blessed the tree.  He then sang Amazing Grace in his native tongue and then we joined him as he sang it again.  That was  so moving! 

When the whole thing was over everyone went around in a collapsing circle.  Another moving thing.  When we went inside we lingered just long enough to pass out the hugs and Eddie Three Eagles gave me a peck on the cheek!  Hugs from everyone and home after a very long and rewarding day.

December 1 will come again!  It always does and it will always be World AIDS Day.  Next year I suggest you find a candlelight observance some where near you and attend.  There will be one, of that I am sure because the world is full of Lou's and John's and Erik's, and Annalees.  Call your Art Center, or your Health Department and if no one can help you do it yourself.  Our first observance was at our Arts Center outside in the freezing cold, but we were there and for this disease to ever be overcome it has to be out there and it has to be talked about.  People have to be educated and it starts with the young ones. 

Our testing at the college turned up not one single case of HIV.  Do you think that was an accident?