If I could shut off my memory....

Morning seems to be when I remember best.  I woke up this morning  back in the late 60's.  I was working as a waitress in a restaurant in Hutchinson.  It was my first job in the real world with my kids dependent on me since I was newly seperated and had filed for divorce.  Back in those days child support was optional and welfare required that you not work to qualify for help from the state.  So there I was.  I had never waited tables as a means of support.  Many years before I had been a cook/waitress/dishwasher at a place out on 4th street called the Tiny Tear.  Course most of my life at that time was spent in an alcohol induced fog, so I remembered little of that experience.  But now it was   ten years later.

The people who ran this resturaunt took pity on me and were very patient and they needed help on the night shift really bad.  The logistics of the job are not important, just the people.  There were the two "real waitresses" and a young girl who was attending college and supporting her self.  There was also a cook,  cook's helper and a dishwasher.  We were closed one day a week and that was the only day off that we had.  To make a long story short, the cook and the young college girl fell in love.  Oh, it was so romantic.  They billed and cooed and carried on something fierce.  She, however, appeared a lot more enthralled with the relationship than he did.  The strange part was, they never dated.  Never.

 He would leave work on Sunday when we closed and not appear again until Tuesday afternoon.  Where did he go?  The young college girl did not know.  Nor did anyone else.  She cried and he gave her a ring.  But still they never dated.  He swore he loved her with his whole heart, and she believed him.  We all did.  And like all things in life and like mother always taught me, "It all comes out in the wash!"  He was going to Wichita.  Why?  Why not?

The young college girl gave up and returned the ring.  She moved on.  He quit cooking there, the two "real waitresses" moved to Texas, and I took a job cooking at the Red Carpet Resturant.  I saw the cook from time to time, but that friendship petered out as any friendship that has secrets will.

Many years later found me in Pueblo, Colorado.  A lot of water ran under this bridge and I finally found my niche in the construction industry.  The AIDS epidemic reared it's ugly head.  It was sad back then.  People were dying at an alarming rate.  I divorced again, got my degree in accounting and all my little acolades because I was so damn smart.  Then I married for the last time.  For whatever reason I began volunteering with the AIDS group in town and it was tied in tightly with the Gay community.  I have watched the face of AIDS and sexual orientation change from complete denial to total acceptance in my life time and I am proud to say I was in the forefront of most all of it!  but I digress.

I remained friends with only a few people back home, but one of them was a friend of the cook.  Remember him?  He was the one who ran away to Wichita every chance he got.  The one who left the college girl crying.  He became quite successful in his chosen profession, but he never married.  One day his friend called me and said "Do you remember 'the cook' "?  Sure I did.  She then told me he was rushed to the hospital and they had no idea what was wrong with him, but he was in a coma.  The next day he was dead.

Weeks would pass before the autopsy returned the results of his demise.  AIDS.  Not really AIDS, but disease associated with the syndrome.  At that time it was still a "gay disease."  At that time it was selective.  It was a scourge.  You were not even tested if you were not gay, and he was not gay!  Oh, wait a minute.  All the trips to Wichita began to creep in on the corners of my mind.  Could he have been leading a secret life?  Was that what that was all about?  The young college girl had become a quite successful architect and married very well, but he had not.  He lived all alone in a very nice house and had friends, but no romantic interests.  Or  so we thought.  It all comes out in the wash.

And why do I have this on my mind this morning?  I think it is because of the hatred that is being spewed through this election.  One governor struck down a bill passed by his state governing body that legalized discrimination.  Another is proposing legislation that legalizes it!  Contenders for the position of president are calling to criminalize birth control, homosexuallity, gay marriage, and about anything that has been passed in the last 20 years.  I may have to run for office myself.

My platform would be love and tolerance.  No discrimination.  A living wage and a chicken in every pot.  The only two things I would outlaw would be homelessness and poverty.  Everyone that wanted an education would get it and a few that did not want it would get it anyway.  Drugs would be illegal.  Gangs would be illegal.  Killing people because you are a jerk and can, would be illegal.  You get the picture?  Kind of a pollyanna world, so to speak.

But in the meantime, I send good thoughts to "the cook" and everyone who hides in the shadows because of fear or shame or whatever reason.  If the college student/architect or the "two real waitresses" or someone who knows them happens to read this, I wish you would contact me.  Just go google loumercer3, or Lou Mercer.  Or leave a comment below.  I would love to hear from anyone that knew me back then.

In the meantime remember:

 BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED!

This is mine and I know how to use it.

From the time I was hatched back in Nickerson, Kansas, I knew right from wrong, up from down and which side of the road to walk on most of the time.  When it came time to ride a bike I knew which side of the road to do that on also.  When walking I walk on the left side of the road so I can see and avoid the oncoming traffic.  If it becomes necessary, I can step into the ditch.  

When I drive that is done on the right side of the road because that is where I belong.  When I ride my bike, I ride on the right side.  My bike is the same as a car or motorcycle.  It makes sense to me.  If a car comes up behind me, it can slow down if there is oncoming traffic or speed up and pass me. I bring this up for several reasons.  Last evening I went out to fill up the car so I did not have to do it in the blinding blizzard this morning which is neither here nor there.  On 25th Lane the inevitable occurred.  There was a car coming towards me on the left side of the road.  And there was a bike coming towards me on the right side of the road.  Neither one was going to give an inch so I just stopped.

And this brings me to the next part of the equation.  Our city fathers, in their infinite wisdom have spent tax money painting bike lanes all over our fair city.  I have yet to see a bike rider in those lanes and the bikers I talk to refuse to use them because they are not suicidal.  Bikers still ride on the sidewalks and dart across the street in the middle of the block.  On fifth street, which is one way going east.  They have 2 bike lanes, one going east and one going west. Parking is in the middle of the street.  And yet on Mark Hamal heading towards Santa Fe, the parking is against the curb and the bike lane is between the parking and the traffic lane.  I would not try that one, because a door is going to open right in front of me and there I go.  When you get to Santa Fe you will need to run over the cyclist if you want to turn because the bike lane abruptly ends there.

Now to my rant.  Wouldn't it have just been easier and a whole lot cheaper and less confusing to teach people how to ride a bike on a public road?  We have to have driving lessons and a drivers license, why couldn't they require the same for a bike?  Now I am getting pretty damned old here and I am sure at some point they are going to revoke my license, but I can ride a bike!  Or I could ride a bike except for that balance thing that seems to go south with age.  I do know one thing, sooner or later, if I keep driving in town and anyone is stupid enough to use the bike lane, I am probably going to run over them.  And since I said this, it will no doubt be pre-meditated!  

You know, I kind of hate this getting old because now I can see where the government is screwing up and I am just to tired to give a shit!  You have a good day!

Nothing I do is ever simple, or ever done only once!

When I went to Sam's Club the other day, I bought tuna.  Canned tuna.  10 cans of canned tuna with The Bumble Bee Lable.  I rarely buy 10 cans of tuna, but since this was in water, I thought it ought to be good for me.  150 calories in the whole can!  How could I go wrong?  Today I flipped to the news online and guess what!  My tuna is recalled!  Recalled!  So I get my tuna cans out and search for the recall lot #.  After due time I find it and I am saved only by the sell by date.  But, this process took 15 minutes out of my day.  See?

Just now I went down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and then had to come back upstairs because I forgot my cup.  I searched for that cup and started a load of clothes and went back down to get a cup of coffee and remembered I left my cup upstairs so I came up and looked for it up here and finally remembered that I took it to the kitchen when I went to get the tuna.  See?

When I leave this morning to dash into town, I will forget my phone.  If I may hap remember the phone, I will forget what I am going to town for in the first place.  So I make a list and forget the list.  The first curve after 25th Lane on the way to town is known as the "oh, shit!" curve because that is where I always turn around and come back to the house to get whatever it is that I forgot.

Every day I promise I will do better, but those are empty words.  Today I do need to call and see when my doctor appointment is, because it is not in my calendar.  I put the card some where and wrote it some where, but God only knows where that might be. 

My mother always said that as long as I remember the daily things, like hygiene, eating, people I deal with daily, and things I do on a regular basis that I am alright, but I am not so sure.  I have stopped in the middle of a sentence and forgotten where I was going with that thread and launched off on something that popped in to replace the first thought.

My world is full of "Sorry, I forgot," and "Damn when did I say that?"  and, "Refresh my memory on that again."  So far I have not forgotten anything that was earth shattering, although I did get on 1 25 the other day and had to get off suddenly when I remembered that I was going to Canon City and not Colorado Springs!  Guess I just had the Springs on my mind.  I have not stepped out in front of a Mack Truck, but that is because I am rarely around Mack Trucks. 

So I have this to say...

If I see you some where and do not recognize you, refresh my memory.
If you are one of my kids and I do not recognize you, don't take it personally.
If we had an appointment and I stood you up, call me.
If I have something that belongs to you and I have not returned it, come and get it.
If you have something that belongs to me,  go ahead and keep it because I probably bought 3 more to replace what ever it was.
As it is I have forgotten why I even started this little spiel, so I guess I will just go down and get a cup of coffee!

Have a great day, because you deserve it!

A sad state of affairs.

I woke up early this morning and peeked out the bedroom window and there were a million stars twinkling in the sky.  It made me so happy to just be alive.  Since it was still before 5:00 AM I decided to just lay there and reflect.  You know, I have seen a lot of "firsts" in my lifetime.  Now, I do not mean in my personal life, but more in the political arena. 

1.  First President to serve 4 terms (also the last!)
2.  First President with only an initial for a middle name.
3.  First President that was a 5 star General.
4.  First President to publicly admit wrong doing and resign from the Presidency.
5.  First Catholic President.  And also my first public assassination.  And my first public     
     assassination of the assassinator. 
6.  First divorced President.
7.  First Black President.

As it now stands, the primaries are in full swing and we will have an election in November.  I will once more witness a first no matter who wins.
1.  Bernie Sanders, Jewish and of Polish descent. 
2.  Hillary Clinton, Former First Lady and a Woman. 
3.  Donald Trump, Racist, Bigot, married 3 times, divorced twice, bankrupt 4 times, not his fault.

Now, I ask you, is this any way to start my day?  How can I let go and let God with this mess on the news all day long?  Right there is reason enough to not even get out of bed in the morning!  And it is not just the political arena that has me dancing around on my back legs.  We are living in a world of the have's and the have not's.  While millions of dollars are being spent on this race for the white house people are starving.  Drive past the soup kitchen down town before 11:00 AM.  The lot is full of people with their worldly possessions in a box or sack or a shopping cart they have commandeered from some place.  Some do not have anything but the clothes on their back.  They have absolutely nothing.  We live in a world where you either have it or you don't.
   
If you have it; you have it.  If you don't; you aren't going to get it.  The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.  It was designed that way.  It is set up that way.  And it works that way.  Way back when I started school, I was taught if I worked hard and was honest, I would succeed in life.  Later in the Baptist church I was taught that if I gave my 10% God would reward me.  I did not even really need to go to church, just make sure I got the 10% there. 

Now many years later, with a lot of lessons well learned and deserved or undeserved hard knocks under my belt, I look back down the road that was my life.  I have a big house full of possessions.  I have a car.  I have bank accounts and bills and a social security check that helps me maintain a certain lifestyle.  Will I ever go on that cruise?  Probably not.  Will I ever have more money than I will ever need?  Probably not.  Do I thank the good Lord every night for getting me through the day and every morning for waking me up?  I sure do. 

Would I want to me the President?  No way in Hell.  That is one of those damned if you do and damned if you don't jobs.  I would rather set here on my little acre and listen to my geese honk, with a cat on my lap and dogs at my feet and watch the sun come up in the east and go down in the west and wonder what I can cook today that I haven't cooked before.  Sure was not the soufflé!

Just some of my ramblings that nobody really understands or cares about, but this keeps me sane!

Wait a minute! I thought I was supposed to vote.

What happened to the primary?  I thought I was supposed to go to the poll over at South Mesa where I always go and cast my vote for my chosen person for the big election in November?  Apparently not.  It now appears if I want a say in who is the Democratic nominee for President I have to go to County High and attend a caucus.  When I register out there and they see I am really a registered Democrat then I will get a black X on my hand.  Then apparently both sides will tell me who I should vote for.  Now, sorry, but this insults my intelligence.  Does it appear that I have been living in a bubble all this time that Hillary and Bernie have been slugging it out with the debates an all?  I would have to be pretty brain dead not to have made a decision by now.

It was certainly a lot easier when I had all day long to run by the school and show them my identification, step in the booth, and vote.  Then I could see my friends and I always ran into some one I knew. When I was done I always got a little round circle that said "I voted" in the center.  Wonder if I will get one of them tonight?

And speaking of tonight, do you think I will actually make it out there?  I have to be there at 5:30 and I also have chores that need done at 5:30.  That means the geese will have to be locked up early.  They do not like that.  It also means my dogs will be alone and I will miss Jeopardy.  I do realize it is my civic duty to vote and like President Obama said "If everyone votes, it will not matter what the 1% want."  It was just so much easier when I had the whole day to take care of a 3 minute job.

This is what confuses me... I now receive a ballot in the mail.  No more going over to the school and doing that either.  I then have that mess to figure out and be sure I sign it and put proper postage on it, or load up and drive into town to one of the convenient drop off locations which I have yet to find one bit convenient and have had to park and go up to the second floor where I am once more questioned about whether I am a legal voter.  That in itself is amazing because had I put it in the mail they would not be able to confront me and make me feel like the criminal for exercising due diligence in voting.  Course when I mail it in I have to go to the postoffice and buy the stamps required.

So my question here is this, who decided to change the whole system?  Seemed like it was working pretty well before they fixed it.  And on what level of government was this decided?  Is the whole state this way?  Will we ever get back to being a civilized society, or is this the best I can hope for in my remaining time here on this little blue and green ball?  And how much longer is this little ball going to be spinning?  I love the advertisement where goat girl says "We have been fracking saftely for 65 years."  No we have not!  I remember an unexplained explosion near where I worked in Hutchinson  40 years ago.  I also remember the furniture store going skyward "for no apparent reason."  I remember sink holes opeing up in the streets.  That one may have had more to do with the salt mines that run under the city, but come on people!

Once more I have digressed, but old age does that to you or at least to me.  Makes me long for the good old days when a man's word was his bond.  When credit was extended at the grocery store on the corner because the owner knew who you were and knew you worked hard.  When mother stayed up late ironing clothes for the rich people in town and dad made a hot toddy because he did not want to get a cold.  And when President Roosevelt talked to us on the radio and all of us kids listened, because he was the President.  Then Harry Truman came and he said "damn!" and we were all amazed that he was elected when he used "dirty words."  And the words that I lived by then were words that I live by today.

And the world keeps turning and people keep killing each other, drugs are rampant, and the news is filled with what some movie star wore to some big deal in Hollywood.  And I really do not give a shit!

What are those things with big black wings?

I was talking to my daughter Debbie, for her happy birthday this morning and I got to tell you, I am getting damned old here.  I know this because she is now officially almost old and I am her mother so that makes me 20 years older than her.  Now in all fairness, I knew I was old before she brought it up.  I had reason to face my aging body head on earlier this week.  I had mentioned it on facebook, but since she is not on facebook she had to hear it second or third hand and was a tad bit upset by that.  So for her sake I shall once more relive the humiliating episode.  I do want to say up front, this was not due to anything on my part and I am still capable of living alone most of the time.
So, I have a deadbolt and a locking knob on my back door.  Now, I should tell you that the locking knob tricks you.  You can lock it and then open it up and go outside.  Most knobs of that ilk will not turn when locked, but this sucker does.  After several times of locking myself outside, I got my shipping tape and covered the knob so it could not be turned.  This worked very well for a year or so.  I have a coded lock on my front door and the last thing I do before going to bed is lock the deadbolt on the back and the screen door on the front.   If someone  needs to get inside after I am bolted, locked and safely secured inside, they are SOL (Sadly Out of Luck.)
When I get up in the morning I get on the computer, talk on the phone, drink coffee, and just hang out in my pajama's.  About 7:30 or so I wander out in my pajams's to let the geese out.  If I think about it, I take my phone, but rarely do I carry it with me.  Such was my journey on Monday morning.  Since I am in the boonies out here I can wander all day and never see a soul.  Neighbors leave for work about 5:30 AM.  So after checking this and that I decided to come inside.  Whoops!  The knob did not turn.  I was locked out.  I hurried to the front door hoping I had forgotten to lock the screen.  Nope!  I am a creature of habit.  Damn the luck!
So I set on the deck and assessed my options.  I could walk up the road to a friends house in my pajama's and house shoes and hope she was home.That was iffy.  I could get the drill and drill out the center of the knob, but the drill was inside.  I even eyeballed the doggie door, but I was pretty sure I did not want to be stuck in that for any length of time.  Then I remembered that I had ran an antenna wire out the window in Susie/Sam/Bret's old room.  I would simply pop the screen open the window and crawl through.  That seemed like a really good plan, but thinking was a hellofalot easier then the completion of the task.  So with trusty screwdriver in hand I began my task.
The screen popped right out and I think I can have it rebuilt for $15 or so.  The window slid open very easily.  I put my right leg in and set down on the sill.  So far so good.  I could see the floor down below me about 6 1/2 feet.  I knew where the ceiling was cause I kept hitting it with my head.  I do not know how burglars do it.  There was absolutely nothing to hang on to and nothing to cushion my fall assuming I could get my left leg to bend in three places so it would be on the side of the window that the other 3/4 of my body was on.  I would have given all my worldly possessions for a chance at the throat of whoever locked the door.  ( I have since forgiven her.)
In a moment of clarity I seen my right leg sliding down to the floor and pictured my left leg scraping across the sill and catching on the cross bar.  I envisioned being split down the middle and I was pretty sure I better think fast.  So I then seen that if I could hang on to center post and move to my right my left leg might follow my lead.  That worked and by clinging to the center post and hoping it did not come loose I could then take that left leg and flail around enough to catch my toe on the tv table.  It was a good plan as long as everything went very slowly.  One slip and I was nursing home bound.  It went smooth as silk and soon I was inside my house with one foot on the tv table and the other in a wire laundry basket.  Hell, I felt like Spartacus!!!
So, dear Debbie, there you have my saga.  My arm is almost healed  and my hip will probably go back in it's socket soon.  The first item on my agenda was to unlock the storm door.  Then I took the knob off the back door and removed the innards so it could not lock.  I have a step ladder under the window now, just in case, but I really think I am probably good to go.  Who knows!

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Oh, the hell you say?

Birth and death are both amazing things that everyone of us will encounter at some time.  And it is utterly fascinating that at both those events we will be seeking the light!  I have had the pleasure of being present at both ends of the spectrum and I must say it was an honor every time!

First think about the birth.  What starts out as a little seed grows into a tiny human being in the space of 9 months give or take a few days one way or the other.  When the time comes it comes.  The mother does not have a choice as to what day and time this will occur in most cases.  Baby starts positioning itself for the downward journey and if mother is not ready, she better get ready.  I wonder if babies think on this trip?  I doubt it.  Birth seems to be one of the miracles of life.  And then here is baby!  In a well run clinical setting, baby pops out into a room full of medical people ready to catch baby and clear it's breathing passages, weigh the little bundle, measure, probe, prod, and so on as mommy and daddy, grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, beam with pride.  That is a perfect world.

We are all born, there is no disputing that fact and as sure as the world turns, we will all die.  In a lonely room some where we will face out destiny.  We will be the mother or father, the grandma or grandpa, the aunt or uncle, son or daughter.  We know what happens after birth when we have followed the light into this world, but we have no manual to follow when we follow the light at the end.

I am a simple minded woman.  I believe in God and I beleive his name is God.  I beleive in the Holy Bible and I beleive that Jesus is the son of God.  I beleive that when I follow the light out of this world I will be swept up in the arms of Jesus and carried to a place in Heaven,  wherever that might be, where I will never be hungry or cold and will walk on streets that are paved in gold.

Those are my thoughts for this day as I set here thinking of my sisters that have gone before me and the babies that have come since.  My God is good.