And so I continue to let my life play out, or do I?

I have been doing a lot of thinking since I did the last post.  Deer in the headlight sort of thing.  As we get older we tend to think back over our lives and wonder if we made the right decisions, or at least I do.  I must take in to consideration that had I done things differently, one of the repercussions would be that I would not have the kids and grand kids today and that would be sad.  But can I be sure?  Let me take a small turn back in time to the day I sat with the Reverend Barnett when I was 16 years old and I told him I wanted to be a missionary.  He was very pleased and gave me some books to read.  Then he moved away and was replaced by a new minister who did not much like young girls seeking validation.  First missed opportunity.

Then we moved to Hutchinson and I started dating a little guy in my class named Gary.  We were high school sweet hearts and that was that.  I loved his mother and his sister.  But alas, I wanted to date someone who was taller.  Gary was very short, only about 3 inches taller than me.  I wanted to dance and I needed a taller boy for that and Gary had no rhythm.  So I dated Corky and we won all the dance contests, but alas I did not love Corky, I loved Gary.  But Gary had moved on, and this was my first taste of love gone wrong.  My first, but not my last, by any stretch of the imagination.

Since time began, older brothers have been bringing home boyfriends for little sisters, so Jake brought home to me Earl D. Seeger who was to become my first husband and the father of my children.  My brother died in a car wreck when my son was one month old.  Life was never the same after I lost my brother and Earl and I divorced a few years later.

Then it was the long legged guitar picker, the director of the radio station, the guy who owned the construction company, the steel worker and finally Kenny.   Some times I think I may have a little Mae West in me cause I never met a man I didn't like.  Some of them I could not live with, but I remained on speaking terms with all of them except one.  He was really mean.  Now do not think I remained friends with them, just on speaking terms.   If life could be lived over, Kenny would have been first and only, but life does not work that way.

At some point during the last 30 years I began to realize that I was a very viable woman and did not need to be defined as Mrs. Anybody.  Kenny did that for me.  He gave me the confidence to know that no matter what happened in my life, I was responsible and resourceful and I would always come out on top.  When he died in 2003 I knew a short period of panic and then I remembered what he had taught me and I have been fine ever since.  Good Lord put me on this earth for a reason, put me through my trials and tribulations for a reason , tested me with fire and tempered me with love and pronounced me ready for what ever is next. 

I can never go back and undo anything I did and all the wrong turns I have taken have led me to this spot in the road.  And here I will stand, looking left, right and down the road and back behind, knowing that what ever I decide to do next will be done because this is where God put me and all I have to do is listen and that still small voice will lead me where he wants me to go and I will do what he has chosen me to do.  He has been leading me all along and I never even knew it.  Now I do!

It is official, my life is in the crapper, again.

Yep!  I am once more drowning in a sea of "what in the world was I thinking!"  My little life usually goes along on an even keel; some times I win, some times I lose, and all is well, because it is life.  I am busy most, if not all of the time, but I do take time to smell the roses.  Life is good as I stand here like a deer in the headlights and watch the last little bit of freedom I know disappear under a pile of eBay items that need to be listed, quilts that need quilted, thread that needs spun and woven, garden that needs tilled, hats that need embroidered, meals that need cooked, dogs that need petted, and friends that "need to talk".

I have never learned to say no.  It is a word that is completely forgien to my vocabulary.  I have not learned the art of sitting quietly and watching a movie, reading a book, or just contemplating my navel. Lyn and I planned our vacation yesterday.  At least we picked the dates.  She, of course, had to give me the lecture about how this time "You will relax and not be heading for home the next day."  She knows me and I thank her for trying and maybe this time it will work. 

Now, this all sounds good, but this is something that throws me into a tail spin.  We started talking about this a couple weeks ago and the cloud of dread slowly floated over my head and began to settle on my shoulders.  With the cloud of dread came the depression that creeps in at times of dire stress in my life.  So, I bit the bullet and the dates are set.

Do not misunderstand me here, I love to go back home and see the kids, grand kids, sisters, cousins, friends (Hi, Joe!), and just chill.  I love to eat at Skaets.  Kansas City is always a treat with Shirley fussing over us.  I love to drive and take pictures and every moment I am on my vacation, I count the moments until I can get back home.  I can not relax.  I can not remember the last time I just let go and relaxed.  You know, the one where you lay on a hill and watch a cloud float past, or set on a creek bank and wait for that old cat fish to bite?  When I am back there I think how great it would be to live there.  You know, just pick up and move back.  It all sounds so simple; just move.

But with home comes memories and with memories comes sadness.  Sadness for a life that could have been; a life that should have been.  Dreams of a little country home and a picket fence and kids in the yard and a puppy barking at the cat.  And with sadness comes depression.  And with depression comes memories and the cycle starts all over again.  If I could go back and make the choices I should have made, who would I be today?  But, I can not do that, can I?  With age comes wisdom, or so they say.  With age comes hopelessness and dread.  I had one shot at this life and I think I may have screwed it up.  Deer in the head lights!

So this is Holy Week.  I take consolation in that.  I also take consolation in the fact that only a few of my friends and family read this, so they will not know how nuts I actually am.  So maybe some one out there can flip my switch and tell me how I can salvage what is left?  Some one sent me an email the other day, which I read in my typical every other line fashion, but I think I got the gist. 

Lord, help me when I complain about having to fix supper, to remember those who have no food.  When I complain about the cost of gas, help me be thankful that I have a car and can get around.  When I complain about having to clean house, help me be thankful that I have a home.  When I complain about the long walk to the duck house, help me be thankful that I can walk, and see, and feel.  And when I am antsy because a friend drops by to take me from my chores, be thankful that I have friends.  Amen

There!  I might have solved my problems.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRoVH5u9Qk8&feature=related

This is a little family in the making, if you wonder what one looks like.

If you wonder what the life of Riley looks like, just take a gander at this little chickadee, all kicked back and taking it easy. 

 Now here we go just having a little peek at Grandma Lou.  This is the little angel that Grand Daughter Deven chose to weave a blanket and give it to her for Christmas.

And there she is hid behind all the toys that it is necessary for a tiny baby to tote around just to get through the day. 

And there is mom and soon to be dad.  I just wanted you to meet them.  I emailed her for the correct spellings on the names, but have not gotten an answer yet.  As soon as I get that I will formally introduce you to this little family who is slowly becoming a vital part of my life here in Pueblo. 

I do know the mom is Kimmie and her favorite food is Sloppy Joes!  I do know she is working on getting her Diploma and then going to school to make herself into something the Little Princess will be very proud of, and so will we!  Going to be there to see her walk up and grab that diploma and make us all proud!

Watch for them more in future postings!

Five words no mother wants to hear, ever.

Always in my mind, the 5 words I never wanted to hear were, "There has been an accident."  I heard them years ago when I lost my brother.  And then I heard them yesterday.  They held the same paralyzing fear yesterday as they did back in 1965.  Only this time I heard them through my mother's ears and there were other words, motorcycle, son, ambulance.  Each word was tearing me apart and I had to pull into a parking lot to make sense of them.

Lou, this is Carolyn and I was on my way to town and there has been an accident.  Bret, Amanda, motorcycle, Cruiser, ......."I need to know which hospital you want him transported to.  They will want to know."  A million questions rushed through my mind, but I asked none.  She had no answers, so it was not fair to ask.  My first instinct was to race to Santa Fe Drive to the scene, but a cooler head prevailed.  I would go to the hospital and wait.  So I did.  I left my car with the valet and went immediately to the ER.  No ambulance yet.

I would call my minister.  Phone book was in the car.  So I called the church.  Answering machine.  In case of emergency call.....my pen was in the car.  Why is it that we delude ourselves into believing we are organized right up until the moment when we need to lay our hands on information and we find we are like Babes in the woods.  I knew I should call some one, but I did not know who.  Oh, wait.  He has sisters, I have kids!  But what would I tell them?  What did I know?  Motorcycle, son, ambulance.

So, Lou Mercer, the woman with so many friends stood in an empty emergency room staring out a window all by herself, the loneliest woman in the world.  And like so many mothers before me I turned to the one person who could and would listen.  I had never faced anything like this with any of my children before, but yesterday I did and yesterday I remembered why I had spent my whole life clinging to this man.  So I called on him,  "Oh, God!  I know I am always wanting something, but this time I really, really need you to do this for me.  Make it right.  Make this go away and if you choose not to do that then give me the strength to deal with what I must."  I am sure there was a lot more said and I bet I made promises, but God knows me pretty good.  We have been there before and while some of his greatest gifts were unanswered prayers, I knew in the depths of my being that he would answer this one.

It was orchestrated from the beginning when a friend came upon the accident and she chose to call me instead of letting the sheriff call, and she was allowed to call.  Things always come easier when delivered by a friend.  I want to thank her for doing me that favor.  I will not use her last name, but she know who she is and she also knows that I loved her when she was my daughter in law and I love her today, because she is a beautiful person.

So, as you have guessed by now, little Bret is alright.  He is alright because all the things that usually happened did not.  The speed limit there where this happened is 50MPH but it was moving slow.  Amanda saw a wreck ahead so she slowed down and changed lanes.  Bret passed her and then he saw the accident so he cut in front of her and slowed.  Some one ahead hit the brakes, Bret hit his brakes and Amanda hit hers.  She hit the back of the bike which shot out from under Bret.  All speeds were reduced or the boy on the bike would not be here today.

Later Bret was recounting the accident and he said " I seen Amanda coming behind me and I knew she was going to hit me, but I had to brake."  I asked him, "Did you at that point in time wish you might have been a little nicer to her?"  His answer was, "Oh, yeah!"

So today we are getting through the "what if " phase of this.  Will he ride his bike again?  Sure!  Will he wear a helmet next time?  No!  I never wore one.  It restricted my vision and my hearing.  On long trips I guess they are all right.  Will Amanda drive again.  Sure!  I hauled her to work today, but that is not going to happen again.  Things happen.  Life goes on.  What will I do different?  Keep a phone list in my purse or make sure all the important numbers are in my phone.  But the most important number is burned in my brain and that is the hot line to Heaven.  And the best part is that no matter where I am, it is still a local call!

Hey! Wait just one minute here!

This is not fair!  No way is this a fair thing to happen to me!  Yesterday it was 70+ degrees.  Day before that it hit 80.  Now  this morning there is snow.  Stop this madness.  It is Spring.  The Daffodils are blooming and everything!  The ducks are mating as are the geese. Now I have Robins playing in the snow.  What is wrong with this scenario?

Oh, yeah, now I remember, I live in Colorado!  Beautiful Colorado in the foothills to the Rockie Mountains.  Kenneth and I were on our way to a place near Durango many years ago to get a load of coal for some one.  Being the end of May and hotter than the dickens, I wore my shorts and we did not bother taking a coat.  The first problem we encountered was that the pass had the chain law in effect.  Usually we called and checked things like that, but rarely, if ever do you worry about it when it is 80 degrees.  Course there is that little altitude thing we should have thought about.  A lesson learned, but not retained, although we did make it a habit to carry chains and coats no matter where we went or when we went.

See, I should have known when I met that man what I was in for.  Before we ever did the "I do" thing in front of the minister in the assisted living center in Canon City and had a celebratory doughnut as our wedding supper, there were signs of the future.  Take for instance, the weekend camp out and boating trip the weekend AFTER Labor Day. 

We loaded the camper shell, boat, fishing tackle, lots of food, camp stove, two kids and my poodle/chihuahua, Sysnyck  and headed for Turquoise Lake, about as high up as you can get without going clear to heaven.  It was late when we got there so we immediately pitched the tent and went to bed.  It immediately began to rain.  The bathrooms were locked up, being after Labor Day and all, but it was a big forest.  Morning broke to show a beautiful view of the lake, ice floes and all.  Fuel had leaked out of the camp stove.  Kids were wet and frozen.  My bottom  and the forest floor did not take to well to each other.  But we had come to boat and fish and by jeepers that was what we would do.  And did it we did.

The worms were frozen, but the boat was not.  We boarded the seaworthy vessel and cranked it up;  fishing poles remained on the bank.  My stalwart Captain roared away from the dock, the dog jumped overboard, the daughter burst out in tears because she was going to die.  He idled, turned  around and picked up the dog and headed back to shore.  We arrived home early that afternoon and it was again 80 degrees, but we were still frozen.

The year on that was 1982.  Perhaps you recall that being the year there was a sudden spike in antibiotic sales?  Both kids had raging fevers the next day.  I am a firm believer that such things are brought on by a virus and not getting cold and wet, but I did make an exception in that case.

The following summer, July 4 weekend to be exact, we took a 3 day weekend, same boat, vacation to the high lakes in the Rockies.  Kids refused to step foot off the place after the first vacation.  When we got home I was so sunburned I had to sleep standing up.  Not really, but it was bad!  So I now know, but still occasionally forget what Colorado is all about.  Check my car.  I have blankets, coats, sunscreen, water, an emergency stable food source, and my Bible.  I am taking no chances. 

The kids are grown up and gone.  Kenny has passed to his much deserved  reward and I am here alone.  I do still go to the mountains, but only for the day.  I go with a friend or sometimes just drive up to Beulah to see my friend Jan.  So I stay in Colorado.  It has become home to me and I expect when I close my eyes and see Kenny coming to pick me up, his silhouette will be against the back drop of Pikes Peak or Turquoise Lake or something else quite as beautiful.  When that happens I will not look back.  And I expect you all to be happy and wish me bon voyage!  Cause I will be tripping the light fantastic with a man who never had a lick of rythym any where near his body, but he could catch a fish.

I saw a sign........

Men who beat their guns into plow shares, will be ruled by men who did not beat their guns into plow shares....(Or something like that!)  Thomas Jefferson.

Dougie Do and Elvira too!

Last Wednesday I had a date.  Well, Elvira and I did.  We had a date with Doug Poll who owns Doug's Grooming Salon.  What a delightful little fellow he is!  Elvira loves him.  See her there in his arms and see him kiss her.  Hard to believe that I have to take second place to a dog, but there you have it.   If I have to share the fellow, I am glad it is with my dog.

Elvira does not really like to go to the beauty shop, but she loves to go see Doug.   Flips me a look and off to the back room she goes.  Don't blame her for that.  When she comes back out she is going to be one pretty little girl! 

My first encounter with Doug was back in December.  My son's boss had been taking Cosmo to Doug for several years so I thought I ought to give him a try.  He is located at 2320 Thatcher here in Pueblo.  For many years I had lived right around the corner on Scranton, but moved to the Mesa before Doug started there.  But stranger yet, is that he started Doug's Grooming in that location on October 1, 1987!  Know what that is?  October 1 is my birthday!  Small world huh?

Want to get smaller?  His birthday is October 6.  I am not going to tell you the years cause I for one, am a tad bit vain!  Suffice it to say I am several years older then him.  What that has to do with anything, I have no idea!  But let me tell you this, I have always had a dog of some sort that had to be groomed so I am fairly wise to the groomers and how the doggie relates to them.

Take Elvira.  Lady groomed her here at the house.  The little rat ran away, jumped off the dryer, and almost ended up completely bald on one side.  She is definitely a dog that needs a groomer with a firm hand.  Doug has that.  I do not stay to watch the process, but I know that this drop dead gorgeous little groomer will take her in hand and I get almost all the way home and he calls to say she is done.  So I go back to get her and Doug is holding her and look at how he smooches around on her.

Doug has 2 favorite charities.  The first is Multiple Sclerosis and the other is the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.   Can't fault a boy that supports causes like those!  And businesses in this fair city do not usually open until 9 or 9:30.  Not Dougie!  I can drop the dog off at 7:30.  Most people are not usually up that early, but he has his day pretty well started by then.

What I like best about Doug is that he is always such a happy little guy and always glad to see me.  Well, glad to see anyone.  And I am a firm believer that animals have a sixth sense about people.  The dogs all seem to like Doug, which means he is a good person deep down where it really counts.  If Elvira were to drag her feet and act like she did not want to go, you can bet I would be looking for a different groomer.  But she is always happy to go, so we have found a home with Doug.

My recommendation to you, if you have a poochie dog, is to grab up the phone and call Doug at 719-545-7300.  You are going to have to wait on your first appointment because he is in high demand.  But then you make your appointment when you pick the dog up and you are in like Flynn.  Just be prepared to take a back seat to your dog.  Doug and the dog will want to get to know each other.  That is the way of the world.

All creatures great and small, the Lord God made them all....or something like that.  ;)